I realized something important this week about how men think and act.
It’s that men who pay attention and think about the feelings they have, why they have them, what they mean and how to talk about them are RARE.
And it’s even more unique and special for a man to pay attention to his feelings in relationships with women and to be able to talk openly about them.
So like everyone else, I like to think that I’m special.
But am I really different than other men?
Ok, I’m hogging the newsletter for myself, my ego is getting carried away…
Here’s what I want to talk to you about-
Why can’t men talk about their feelings?
It’s like they’re helpless morons when it comes to knowing and sharing how they feel with you.
And why do men react so weird when you want to talk about things like issues, emotions, relationships, commitment, marriage?
The answer is pretty fascinating but has more than one simple dimension to it.
Let me ask you…
Have you ever asked a man how he feels about you or your situation and then he starts acting all freaked out?
He turns into a deer in headlights.
Or even worse, he starts getting angry and frustrated and turns the conversation back on you with unrelated problems or issues.
Well, you’ve run into the BRICK WALL guys have with relationship communication.
And guess what?
It’s YOUR fault!
Yep, I’m not letting you shift the blame to someone else for what matters in your life.
As some of my more enlightened friends like to say:
“Don’t go to victim”
If you know someone can’t communicate a certain way, it’s up to you to find a better way.
Then once you can reach them you can help them improve.
As the saying goes,
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me.”
So are you continuing to bang your head against the brick wall?
Shame on you!
Lots of women do – all their lives over and over in relationships until they’ve become convinced that men are idiots and you can’t ever make things work.
Quit it for cryin’ out loud!
There’s a better way, but you’ll never figure things out just trying what makes sense to YOU.
Don’t be RIDICULOUS!
(here’s where I get all up in your face!)
Planning and approaching issues in your life just by what “makes sense” is not only naive, it’s honestly pretty stupid.
That’s why people go to school, they go to college, they study and read, they go through job training and THEN they go out and make a go of it.
So how much thinking, planning, reading and learning have you done around the things that effect your relationships and your love life?
Maybe you picked up the latest best-seller by some publishers daughter on something dumb like how swans mate and are monogamous and you and your guy can be beautiful and happy like swans in love too…
Hey, not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll write a book about that.
Not!
Seriously though…
Are you banging your head against the wall?
Or are you looking to learn?
Here something fascinating to learn…
Men have a “SECRET BUTTON” you can push that will make communicating with them almost effortless.
And if you learn what it is and how to use it you’ll be able to get at what he really thinks and feels… and teach him how to talk to and understand you.
So let me take you through a situation I guarantee you’ve either been in before or you’ll be in with a man…
HELLO!
That means pay attention because this is one of those “universal situations” that can mean priceless knowledge for you.
Let’s say your talking with a man you’re interested in and you want to take things to “the next level” but you don’t know how.
And you’ve been waiting on him to talk to you or express his interest or love for a while.
But he hasn’t done that, and you get a little disappointed and frustrated with things.
You’ve tried being patient and talking with your friends but you’ve got to know how he feels and you need things to move forward.
So what do you do?
Well, most women build up everything they’re thinking inside until they have to let it out in one big emotional release.
And guess what men see when this happens?
No, they don’t see how much you care or love them and how amazing it is that you want to be with them.
Somehow instead of seeing the good and the positive intentions you have, they see intense negative emotions that they can’t understand.
And men get scared of emotions that are really intense or that they don’t understand.
Most of all, they just aren’t used to them.
So when you share your feelings and want to know his feelings for you, he freaks out.
He either becomes the “deer-in-headlights” guy or the “angry-frustrated-scared” guy.
Most women do what makes sense in this situation – they push and encourage the man to talk, to get in touch with his feelings and to share HER feelings.
But men don’t see it as positive encouragement.
They see it as you being “over-emotional” and pushy about the issue.
(Yeah, I know… Men are freakish emotional creatures!)
When you resist or react negatively in any conversation, everything becomes more difficult.
And the WORST mistakes you can make here with a man I call the 4 Deadly Sins:
- Assuming – that he knows what you want or expect
- Begging – for him to “give you” what you want
- Convincing – trying to make him feel the way you do
- Bullying – bullying him into your way of thinking or feeling.
You will never have any long term success with a man if you keep doing these.
You’ll be beating yourself against the “BRICK WALL”.
So what’s the “SECRET BUTTON”?
Well, remember that there’s a catch to all improvements in your life, right?
So the same goes for this button thing.
You’ve got to make it happen by changing YOUR communication first in order to push his communication button.
It’s up to you to get a man’s fears and defenses out of the way so you can get to the bottom of things.
And getting past the masks men can wear with women out of fear is the essence of “pushing the button”.
Here’s the 5 basic steps I’ve recognized that you can use to push his “secret button”. And I’ll give you some examples to give you a general idea of what these are as best I can in a short newsletter:
Step 1) The Primer
This is a the “starter” for the conversation that will build an entirely positive context – and it might seem like something you could skip, but it’s actually the most important step. It might be something like starting off talking with positive comments about the time you’ve been spending together and some of the great times you’ve had. The idea is ALL about setting the right context so a guy becomes positive, comfortable and opens up.
Step 2) Casual Introduction
This is the first step into “where things are going”. Instead of springing “the talk” on him, keep talking about positives, the good things, the things you want to continue that are WORKING. If you don’t have too many of these things, think harder. You’re interested in a future with this guy for some reason, right? But don’t just compliment him. Make sure it’s about BOTH of you, and how you are together, not just about him.
Step 3) Applying With Positive Strokes
So now you’re tuning into each other a bit in the conversation and sharing thoughts about the good things you have together.
Then tell him, “Hey, you know what’s great? I bet you and I see things differently, which is OK, but I love spending time with you and we have such a great time together”.
Again, you’re getting into a conversation about relationships that will eventually turn to your situation, but you’re doing it in a way that doesn’t trigger any resistance or fear from the man – and this is what you’re aiming for.
Step 4) Non-situational Honesty
Step 5) Active Listening
Step 4 and 5 are a bit more complex so I’ll save them for another time.
But steps 1, 2 and 3 are a lot to work with and get you thinking.
If you follow these it will blow a man away
AND even better… it will create massive ATTRACTION!
Yeah, imagine that.
By talking about serious relationship “stuff” you won’t scare a guy off.
No, you’ll actually make his attraction for you STRONGER.
How?
Well, men secretly wish that they had women that they felt completely open and comfortable with to share their feelings, thoughts and desires on subjects they usually have a hard time with.
It feels REALLY good to talk about things, especially if they’ve been bottled up!
I bet you’ve felt that too.
When you push the button for a man, he experiences a kind of open and honest communication “release”.
And the more intense the topic or issue is, the more amazing and “freeing” the experience is.
For men, there’s nothing tougher and more foreign than getting really in touch with their emotions and sharing them with someone.
When you’re the one to do this, men almost can’t believe it.
They instantly see you as someone unique, rare, and “cool”.
And when you can talk about tough issues in a way that makes them easy and fun and you have the right amount or “detachment” from the outcome, it makes men EXTREMELY attracted to you.
So what exactly are these 5 detailed steps to push a man’s communication button?
I talk about each step in detail, exactly what to do, and the common mistakes to avoid in my eBook – Catch Him And Keep Him.
You can check out all the details here:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Thanks for reading and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
this sounds like too much work…………..and manipulative to some degree.
Any advise for the men out there on how to communicate with women? I mean, it does not help that us girls must be trained how to do it, and we are still dealing with male morons.. So, it takes two to tango. Teach them too.
I am so tired of walking on eggshells around such delicate beings.
If they can’t understand me when I speak the same laguage I feel they just don’t want to…inevitably MOVE ON SISTER….Next
This kind of made me mad. As per usual, a woman masking her true emotions so as not to freak her man out. All I have to say is… grow a pair.
It is not up to us women to heal and educate men who refuse to take responsibility for thier inablility to communicate. We just need to choose men that don’t need an armchair psychologist to baby them through the process. Healthy women find healthy men. It is up to the women to work on themselves and then they will attract the right men. Not the fixer-uppers.
Unfortunately some men appear to be very insecure creatures. I do know that a man needs to feel absolutely comfortable with their mate before revealing any personal issues. They need to know that they can trust you with who they are. That has been my experience anyway. Frederick Douglas has a quote that goes something like this, “Build a strong child or you will be repairing a man for the rest of his life”. Some men to to be repaired, some don’t.
This is what I learned from this article…never date an emotionally distant man unless he proves his ‘willingness’ to learn to communicate well all on his ve-wy ve-wy own. A good interpersonal communications class is a great start. Tiptoeing around wondering when not to share your feelings versus telling him what you want (what the difference is I have no clue) will only drive you insane.
You are a horrible writer.
The worst part of this article is that it makes women feel like they have ‘failed’ if they can’t get their man to communicate with them openly. Guess what, each person in a relationship has a responsibility to each other. If both people in a relationship aren’t SELF AWARE enough, then that is the INDIVIDUAL’S problem, and shouldn’t be placed on the woman or man. There is little to no point in pointing fingers at the ‘over emotional woman’,and telling them they should be doing all the work if both parties aren’t willing to take responsibility for their actions. Grow up and get over yourself.
I agree with Julie to some extent, the writing style makes out that you have failed, but it is actually not the case really. Probably rather than saying “It’s your fault” it would have been better to say, it’s also your responsibility, since both parties have a responsibility to communicate. Interestingly I have the same problem as I am guessing a lot of women do, in my relationship and have to find strategies for communicating with my GF. She can end up shutting down and not able to share her feelings (the barrier comes up quite easily), mine does not come up unless I am in extreme stress which is not very often. Almost every other GF I have had (and ex. wife for that matter) could easily tell me their feelings and so I can see that women are better at it than men in general (as communication is a feminine trait). Having said all of this, active listening DOES actually work so even if you don’t like the writing style, give it a go. Don’t to get your point across after you have listened and empathised though, that is as important as listening. If most men are like my GF then feelings can build up over some time and then come out in a big release, usually triggered by something (hence it is good to listen and draw the emotions out before they build up too much if possible). If their emotions are building up then they will be emotionally distant from us while it is happening and so we get frustrated as well and may react accordingly by being pushy, again empathising can reduce this effect, and they are not going to listen to you properly anyway until their barrier is back down.
Good luck everyone :)
Howdy Gals,
What about the other side of the coin – that being a man trying to find out what makes her tick or what’s happening deep within the confines of her head? I am with a Woman (and I ‘Woman’ by every sense of the word, she is incredible) for just over a year now. I am crazy about her and seek no other, which I like to believe I have made abundantly clear to her, yet I cannot seem to get any kind of reciprocation/reaction or even some sort of indication from her that we are of similar thinking. Logical thinking would lead one to believe that, plain and simple, we might just not be on the same page. That would hurt, but if that’s the case then that’s just what it is. Without going into detail though, I don’t really think that’s what’s happening here. Heart can cloud better judgment, I know, but I don’t think that’s necesarilly the case here.
Being a bone-headed, knuckle-dragging man myself, I would seek the advice of some of my own male friends…but I think we all know how much would be accomplished through that.
Any thoughts Ladies? What would you suggest a guy in my position do – lay it all on the line tell her I love her and see what happens? That’s a pretty big mozza ball in the room if she doesn’t reciprocate.
I may be biased, but I always thought us males were pretty easy to figure out, ha :)
I’m rambling now…sorry. Your thoughts?
Thank You Kindly.
MY HUSBAND DOES NOT LISTEN TO ME AND HE IS HARD OF HEARING! HELP! I WANT TO BE HEARD!
IT’S YOUR FAULT!
Oh, my Lord. Grow up, please, dear Christian.
The only man a woman need train to be a good partner is her own son.
If Mom didn’t do it, I ain’t gonna. Because I’ll invest time and energy and some other babe will then waltz off with the fruits of my labor.
As for Matt’s girlfriend, women can be emotionally unavailable too, and anything said about men applies just as much to them.
The way a man communicates in life begins when he is born…how his mom and dad related to him…my husband is super closed about feelings, emotions, but gets excited about anything else like …his mom is an emotionally closed person, so is his dad, so that is how he learned to be…thinking that is the norm when it is so dysfunctional i want to throw up..his mom yells when she gets angry…she accuses…and a religious fanatic. but she is also very generous….he goes to his parents several times a week…its like that is his comfort zone…my family is much more open, but yet my parents were people pleasers and raised children that rebelled, suffered depressions, and were afraid to express our true selves…if you have kids, please be responsible and learn how to communicate in a healthy open safe environment…no more pretending to be someone your not…codependent…that can lead your child to suicide…thats what happened to me growing up…stifled anger, repressed emotions, intense therapy…ooooff
so its my freakin fault if my husband is an emotional moron..no, its his parents fault..and his own..
This is a bunch of crap! It’s not the women’s fault a man cannot engage in an intelligent conversation with her. From my experience any man that does not speak is emotionally damaged in some way.
I don’t want to be his mother and parent him, I want to be his partner in life. I don’t want to ‘raise’ a grown man.
Men want a women who is emotionally mature and does not act like a petulant child, women also want their man to act like an adult. Shutting down and distancing himself from a women sound like he’s behaving like a spoiled brat not getting his way.
Talking isn’t brain surgery. Men don’t get to have it both ways….they need to give, not just take from a women.
If this is your man ladies…RUN and get away from him as fast as you can. There are great guys out there that are able to string words together to form complete sentences.
Don’t waste your time with a little boy in the body of a man. Find a real man who knows how to treat you with love, care, trust & respect!
When a man is emotionally unavailable no matter what you do you cant change him. Don’t waste your time ladies.
I was stupid enough to wait for a man for three years who was never emotionally there for me. I tried different ways of communications and gave him time and space, I tried to leave him and then he would come back and begging and then same thing would happen again and again. it took my time energy and a lot of stress and frustration on my part.
I finally found the courage to get out and accept the reality that it is not my fault and I am not the one to fix him. In any case it is his loss ladies… get your life back and don’t waste on a man who can never change.
90% of the people ^^^ did not get the point of this article. Ladies, it may be difficult to understand, let alone empathize with a person who does not know how to communicate emotions, but that’s how most men are because that’s how society (at least where I’m from, America) idealizes that they should be, and therefore makes them. We are all a product of our environments, and men in general have not been emotionally nurtured to understand, let alone express their emotions the same way you can. The context that the writer used to blame women didn’t help, but the ideas themselves are designed to help your significant other become emotionally aware. It’s not like pulling teeth, the article recommends using these steps so that it doesn’t have to be. Learn to empathize, don’t be so judgemental, and try the guide ^^^, it will probably help your relationships. It really is a breakthrough to learn to communicate with someone in the way this article described at the end, and the man you help to have this epiphany will love you for it.
what a load of tosh …
Tosh is right. A woman should NOT have to twist herself into a pretzel so an emotionally crippled man won’t feel threatened. She needs to spend that time and energy moving on to a man who doesn’t have those problems. End of.
I dunno…I’m starting to REALLY believe the taxi theory about men. Not only do I think a lot of women are in these types of relationships because basically “he’s just not that into her” and she refuses to acknowledge it – I think these so called “emotionally unavailable men” just aren’t ready to turn their cab lights off…. why bother to upset the apple cart when this is a perfect set up for him to continue receiving intimacy and sex? Men know the way it’s played. If you want a regular sex life that doesn’t involve paying for it – you get yourself a gf – he’s not thinking “future” like a woman. He’s just in the here and now for the most part.
The theory goes that men are like NYC taxis, driving around with their fare lights on – picking up passengers for rides and dropping them off for a good portion of their life, when finally one day they turn the light off and the last person in the cab is the one that they choose to stay with. Whatever and whenever that “instinct” inside them finally goes off and makes them say to themselves “ok, I think I’m ready to commit to someone and move on with life and do the whole love/family thing” they will DO it and it doesnt’ matter who it is. If he feels at that moment in time that the women he’s with meets the main qualifications he’s looking for, then he’ll stay with her because it’s on HIS terms when HE was ready to do so.
So you see, it has nothing to do with them not being in touch with their emotions – men do in fact have emotions. They will often meet in their lives several “right women” for them who would’ve been perfectly suited to be their future wife – but because the man himself is not yet ready to put all his eggs in one basket, he will continue to review the options out there, and pick up passengers, nagged by the prospect of being able to “trade up” continually. So whether each passenger sits in the cab for 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years, he won’t make any comittment. This is why I say this whole article’s premise won’t work. You cant MAKE someone want you if they’re just not internally ready – no matter how much game playing and manipulation you do or amount of “comfort zone” you give.
Men have a clock like women…women have clocks for baby making…men have clocks for making goals and accomplishments on personal and professional levels for themselves before they become a certain age…all the stuff he wants to do before he’s saddled with a family. If he’s focused on this aspect while you’re with him and want him to commit when he’s not focused on that in his life, then just deal with it and move the hell on. Find a guy who’s ready to turn his light off.
I wish I could actualy meet someone that is emotionaly available, and knows what they want in a relationship as well as out of life…uggggh
Dear lord ladies, why is it soooo much to ask that both parties accept responsibility in this. As a child i was scolded for crying unless something was really wrong and affection just wasn’t a priority, survival was. getting the bills paid and food on the table ate up a lot of what my family had to give. A mans life is molded to believe that he needs to follow certain steps to “earn” a suitable woman. I try my best to make sure my girl has everything she needs. i spend my day thinking of what i can do to make her life more enjoyable with me, but emotions and sharing is a dance she’s just much more natural at. so is it so wrong for the guy to say “i want to try this but i need a few lessons”?!?! Men are always supposed to be the one figuring women out but if she’s expected to put some sort of effort into getting what she wants from her man then we are morons? please ladies. sometimes we just need a little support like you do.
HAHAHAHA
“What!?! Be nice to a man!?! Step out of my comfort zone to make him comfortable in my world of emotions!?! Never!”
Most of the women’s comments here truly make me embarrassed for my gender. Where is the empathy and compassion women are famous for? What I hear is a just a bunch of immature whining.
No wonder so many men are afraid to open up–this knee-jerk reaction is exactly what they’re expecting.
Most importantly, I would question how many of these women are actually where they want to be in their own love lives. They came here looking for answers, didn’t they? That speaks volumes about whether they have a leg to stand on.
Christian just unlocked a huge secret about dealing with men–for free–and it could change every aspect of life if properly used. But no, before you “ladies” even try it, you’re going to take the time to complain and attack him.
I’ll bet few people of either gender feel comfortable opening up to any of you.
The first step to success is learning to step outside ourselves. I’ve already had lots of fun using Christian’s e-book and newsletter advice. I’m looking forward to even more good in my life once I use this new information.
Thanks, Christian!
Wow. Am i glad I stumbled onto this. Im ‘involved’ with a man I have tried to help through alot of his emotional problems & I have given him, in his own words, everything he has needed. And in his own words (and mine) he has done nothing but done the opposite for me. He has hurt me, ignored me, literally forgot about me, has shown little sympathy for chronic illness I had developed. All this and after 2 years it is the same old pattern. He will see that he has hurt me after I have pointed it out, change for about a week, and back to the same crap. Yes he was definatley used and definatley emotionally crippled by his ex, but I didnt do it. And heres a newsflash. I was used and emotionally crippled by my ex. Im strong enough not to take it out him, but hes not strong enough not to take it out on me?? Is it because Im a woman and hes a man? Give me a break. Is it any wonder the world is in turmoil when the majority of its being run by a bunch of pathetic, whiney, adult children known as males who cant grow up emotionally? Sorry, im not holding anybodys hand anymore. I dont need ‘my mans’ love that bad!
I have an emotionally distanct male friend and I tried what you said and it worked. He understood what I was saying. I’m a special education teacher and one of the things we were taught in University is if something isn’t working try something else. I’m interested in the results. To go instantly from him saying. I don’t know what you want to Yes I understand now was fantastic. I got the result I wanted. I’m happy
Christian I wish I could find this other article I found on the web. It was a blog by a woman counsilor and she said any woman who gets into a relationship with an emotionally unavalible man is unavailible herself otherwise she never would have choosen a man like that in the first place. I had to look at that myself and say Why did I choose to put energy with the man I am putting energy into? I came up with the word “safe” See I’m emotionally unavailable too and I have to work on myself. She said something else too. She said she had many women clients that as soon as the man did open up emotionally to them they ran like crazy. So I know i need to work on myself so that when my friend becomes emotionally available or I run into someone else who is emotionally available I’ve be ready to receive them.