Have you ever been in a happy relationship with a man, and even though things were going well you started to WORRY about where it’s all going?
This worrying usually starts around the time when you feel that you’re connecting and starting to have strong feelings for him.
You’ve naturally become exclusive with him and assume he’s exclusive with you, too.
You have a great time when you’re together.
He’s introduced you to his friends and maybe even some of his family.
He’s met your friends. You’ve spent some holidays together. Celebrated birthdays and special occasions. Went on weekend trips together.
It just keeps getting better and better.
It feels really good to be so “in sync” with a guy.
But it isn’t long before it dawns on you…
You have a very special connection and you want it to last. And because it’s so good, you start to think that maybe you’ve finally found your Mr. Right.
That’s why you’re anxious about something going wrong, or about him suddenly “changing his mind” about you.
Maybe that sort of thing happened to you before…or maybe you’ve been hearing too many “horror stories” from friends who have experienced this.
So even though things are going “great” and you’re really connecting, you’re also beginning to freak out just a little.
This is precisely the moment where a lot of women make a crucial mistake.
They start to let their FEAR and insecurity take over. Instead of being secure because the relationship is going well and the guy seems like a good guy, they start to be afraid that it won’t last, or that it isn’t “real.”
This leads to a desire to KNOW exactly what the man is thinking and feeling.
It doesn’t matter that he’s being affectionate and attentive and that there’s really no reason to feel anxious.
Fear is a powerful motivator, and it leads a woman to ask a man the WRONG questions at the WRONG time in the WRONG way. These questions can actually make a man want to withdraw.
Don’t get me wrong…
A lot of women have had a good experience asking a man these questions because they’ve approached it in a completely different way than I’m about to illustrate. I’ll reveal how in just a minute…
But first, getting back to this crucial mistake…
OK, so you’re feeling a little freaked out, even though things are fairly happy in your relationship… because of something that happened in your past or because of the stories you heard from your friends.
Maybe in the past you were completely “hooked” on a guy, thinking that he was “The One”, when suddenly he decided he wasn’t ready, couldn’t commit, wanted to go back to his ex, or was seeing someone else already.
It affected you in a bad way, and took you a long time to get over it.
So you begin wondering and worrying about what’s going on NOW, even though it’s a completely different guy and a completely different situation.
You start to look for clues about his level of “seriousness” in the things he says and does, but nothing seems obvious to you, and you’re still not satisfied.
So you begin to look for the right time to ask one of these three questions, (if not all of them):
QUESTION THAT CAN MAKE HIM WITHDRAW #1: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?
— Is this love or is this just a fling? Are your feelings for me real and lasting?
QUESTION THAT CAN MAKE HIM WITHDRAW #2: WHERE IS THIS GOING?
— What will happen to us a year from now? Should I be making my future plans around us moving in together someday? Would you like to get married someday?
QUESTION THAT CAN MAKE HIM WITHDRAW #3: ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT US?
— Or are you just in this for “now” but not thinking anything serious or long-term?
These are the thoughts swirling around your head almost constantly, especially after you get together with him.
You want to know where the relationship is going. You NEED to know. You don’t want to be “strung along” for months and months, only to have your heart broken.
You don’t want to be wasting your time.
There are certain things you want from a relationship, and you want to know that he’s going to be able to come through for you.
That’s when you decide you’re going to sit down and have “A Talk”. You’re nervous about it, so you wait for just the right time…
You don’t want to seem pushy or needy, so you may even rehearse what you’re going to say in your mind.
Finally, the moment comes and you blurt out everything you’ve been thinking and feeling for days and weeks…
But things don’t go exactly the way you imagined.
He’s not reassuring or relaxed. He’s not tender and affectionate.
And he’s certainly not wrapping you in his arms to tell you how much he loves you and wants to commit!
He’s actually a little WORRIED. “Frustrated” would almost be the right word. Maybe even annoyed!
Uh oh.
He acts put off, as if you’re now “hassling” him and pressuring him to do or be a certain way. He tells you he’s “not sure” or maybe “not ready” to make any promises to you.
He tells you that he cares about you…BUT…he “needs more time.”
Or any number of reasonable or non-reasonable excuses as to why he can’t answer your questions or make a commitment to you RIGHT NOW.
You don’t get it.
All you wanted was to know where the relationship was heading!
You weren’t trying to hassle him or force him to make a decision on the spot. You just wanted to know where you stand as a couple.
Now YOU’RE angry, HE’S angry, and you regret ever having brought it up.
Because now he’s being distant. He’s changed toward you a little bit. He’s not quite as affectionate. Maybe he’s a little distracted. A little cold.
And it scares you.
If you’ve ever been in this situation, or if you FEAR being in this situation, you’re not alone. So many women worry about how to approach a man about these 3 common questions. And that’s understandable…
But there’s something I need you to know about men and how they “see” commitment.
Men and women have different timelines when it comes to commitment.
A woman may think “it’s time” for a man to commit after a certain amount of months has passed, or certain things have happened…like after he’s introduced you to his family and celebrated a few holidays with you.
But it’s not NECESSARILY the same way a man thinks.
A man decides he wants to be with YOU and ONLY YOU and make a real commitment based on how you make him FEEL.
Whether it’s been 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years.
It doesn’t matter.
If a man is feeling that “something special” about you, he’s going to be thinking of how he can have you in his life for the long-term. If he feels that his life is much better with you in it, or is much easier and happier and more fulfilled, then he’ll do what he has to do to make sure you’re in his life for good.
A man doesn’t make a decision to commit because of a series of events that he’s mentally checked off…or because “it’s time” to get serious.
Or because it’s been 2 months and you’ve been physical and enjoyed each other’s company and you like doing the same kinds of things together.
Unless you’re triggering that “forever” feeling in him ANOTHER WAY, a man isn’t going to feel compelled to bring up the issue of “commitment” with you.
And if you bring it up first when he’s not “feeling” it…then he’ll feel put off and pressured.
A man making the decision to commit to you is DEFINITELY not the result of any one “talk” you have with him where you’re asking him where it’s going based on your OWN AGENDA.
You see, that’s the key.
Once you stop thinking of what it is you want and why you’re right and he’s wrong, and start to be curious about what HE wants and what he is feeling, you can completely shift the vibe you’re putting off…and change the way he feels completely.
You can and SHOULD communicate what you want to a man and set certain STANDARDS from the start.
But you have to do it from the start…not keep things bottled up, “hoping” he’s thinking and intending the same things from the relationship that you are, and then feel upset and confused when months later you find out that he doesn’t.
Look… I generally avoid “rules” with men, because all men are unique and there is no such thing as “one rule fits all.” But here’s a rule, so listen up…
You HAVE to let a man know that you don’t want to casually date forever FROM THE START, if that’s your intention.
But the trick for lots of women, even though they do this in their own way, is that you CANNOT do this through pressure or any kind of passive-aggressive or weak, convincing types of behavior.
Putting pressure on people in important situations and choices in life causes more harm than good- you won’t get a positive response.
This is what I mean when I say that there are certain questions that MAKE a man withdraw. The questions of “where’s this going?” and “what do you feel about me?” put pressure on a man or else try to convince him that things should be a CERTAIN WAY.
If you let a man know what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship early on, then he won’t feel cornered or “hassled.”
Here’s exactly how to do this…
Say, “I will only keep seeing you right now if this is going somewhere and you aren’t seeing anyone else, because I’m not and I don’t want to waste my time.”
When you say this to a guy, there’s an unconscious button that’s pushed in his mind that basically tells him and instills the belief that “this is a respectable and desirable woman who has the ability and the strength to pick and choose what happens in her life and with men, so I better make good of the situation.”
If all this goes well and you start becoming closer and closer to a man after weeks or a couple of months, then it’s time to say in a calm and casual voice-
“I’m happy with you and I want to keep dating…but the future’s important to me too.
So let’s see how we feel about things over the next few weeks or months (set a time here you feel comfortable with), and we’ll decide where this is going and to continue if there’s something more serious that we’re both interested in and want.”
And “Kaboom.” This is like the ultimate ground-shaker for a man.
Careful when you do this, though. For some women this might be risky and sound a bit harsh, but the thing is, if a man is at all interested or serious about you, then watch out after this conversation…
He’s going to suddenly be wildly open, affectionate and want more with you. Don’t let it scare you when you see such a big sudden shift.
It’s normal for a man to act this way after a woman says this to him.
I devote an entire chapter to what to do and say to make sure you start with the right “end” in mind when you’re dating a man in my eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him.
On page 248 I reveal how to push his secret “communication button”… which is really a way to get a man to open up and share his thoughts and feelings about your relationship.
When you push this “button”, you’ll find out what he really thinks and feels about ANYTHING you want to know about.
This 5-step process is explained in detail starting on page 248 in my eBook, so if you haven’t downloaded a copy, do it now, because you can be reading it in minutes.
It’s totally risk-free and if for any reason you’re not 100% thrilled with it you can cancel your order within 7 days and not have to pay a single penny.
So go here and download it now and put it to use in your love life now:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Now, why do men perceive being asked “where is this going?” as some kind of weird, needy ploy?
It depends on the timing of the question and the context with which it’s brought up, of course, but one of the main reasons they feel this way has to do with TIMING and ATTRACTION.
If you ask a man how he feels about you or the relationship before he’s had a chance to develop a strong emotional attraction toward you, and before he even knows himself where he wants the relationship to go, he’s going to perceive your questions as you looking for APPROVAL or direction from him.
It would be like you going on a first date to a nice restaurant with a man you barely knew and hearing him ask you as he was finishing his meal, “OK, now that we’ve gotten to know each other, and I’m paying for this meal, how about if we go to my place and have sex?”
I’m willing to bet that if a man asked you that on a first date, you’d feel totally put off. You’d feel offended and grossed out. Ewwww….no class whatsoever. Check please!
When you ask a man how he feels about you or your relationship before he’s had a chance to figure out his own feelings, it brings about the same kind of “ewww” feeling in him, too.
If you’re not telling him what your boundaries and standards are, but instead you’re seeking direction and approval, he’ll look for ways to “cool” things because he’ll lose ATTRACTION for you.
Talking to a man about your relationship or worrying about “where it’s going” isn’t going to make him FEEL anything for you.
Neither is wanting to “skip” all that tiresome dating and just get right to the “real thing,” either.
Men have a different timeline and attitude when it comes to commitment, and unless you know what that is, you’ll be feeling pretty frustrated by a man’s “wishy washy” behavior.
When he tells you that he values his “freedom” you won’t understand why his single life is more attractive than spending time with YOU.
Every one of us dreams of having that “storybook romance love” with the one person we were meant to spend the rest of our lives with…
Don’t let a misunderstanding of what a man is feeling about you and your relationship RUIN your chances for that happily ever after.
It may not be that he doesn’t want to commit ever, it may just be that he’s on a different point in the PROCESS with you…
So stop feeling anxious and worried about whether or not a man will actually want to commit to you, or whether you’re wasting precious time and energy on a man who may NEVER commit.
I’ll talk to you again soon and best of luck in Life and Love,
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
Vivian chingy says
What about a guy who acts and tells you how much he cares and love you anytime he is around you but if he leaves your presence he altitude changes to the opposite of what he tells you.With this,am scared of giving him my virginity because am not sure about what he feels for me but i sincerely love him.PLS HELP ME.
gemini fem says
Sweetie, be patient in giving him your virginity, because sooner or later the real him will show. If he realy likes you, he will wait and be patient too and would want you to be more serious with him such as married before asking that of you. You can b in a meaningful relationship with him without giving it up, and if he doesn’t love you if you don’t, then let him go.
mz.s says
I feel like the guy im seein at the present moment likes me, but im unsure of how much, I’ve been knowin him now for about a year, but we’ve just start seeing each other closer for about a couple weeks. When is to soon to ask for some financial help? This is not an on going or all the time thing, only when needed. I don’t wont him to think I’m a golddigger or platnium digger. lol but I feel a man should be my crutch when I need him. He made the comment that he wouldn’t give what I needed at that time, this puts me in a postion of fear if we continue to see each other to not ask for money. He also stated that he would feel like he didnt want to be in a position of feeling like he would always feel responsible, he would feel soft or whipped. My true thought of this is some woman has taking advantage of him in the past and he’s reflecting this situation on me, what do I do? How should I treat him since he’s turned me down? I’m only asking because I really like him.
nerissa joy guimbao says
wel girl, if you’re really sure that the man is serious with you then maybe u can open up your problem about your financial status. and then if he understands your situation then that means he really cares for you. but if you think it will just turn him down, just dont bother to ask him something.
hannah says
I’m 41 divorced for 3 years. Out on the dating field! how long should i wait before having sex with someone I date? i don’t like playing games and don’t believe in rules. I waited 4 months in my last marriage and sure we married but it turned out all wrong. I don’t sleep around…
Beatuiful @34 says
Hello! I AM 34yr old independent woman who been dating this guy for the last (6)months. The relationship was okay at least i thought. After dationg for the first couple of months, i realize this could be a wonderful relationship,”enjoying his company, intimacy is good, communication was a plus”, then afterward things started turning for the worst. HE started stating “HE DONT TRUST ME”. “ITS just something about me, and it threw me for a loop, due to me thinking we were okay. Well me being the type of woman i am, i choose to remove myself from that situation. How-ever i am bewildered that the out come was a negative turn point, because i really liked this young man…………..i need some suggestions to this theory!!!!!!!!!
babygirl says
well i have a question im dating an older guy im 23 and he is 30 its been off an on but we just kinda reconnected after break up awhile back he made the comment he could not love again the same and i really do like him but i kinda like went my own way after that we are back together kinda but its not the same im just wonderin if i should let it go or hangin there it he says hes over his ex which i do believe… she sleep around on him and he found out but i would never do that to him i have tried everything and i trying to find ways to let him know im here for him and all he says he cares for me and all but i think hes afraid to commit again he claims he wants kids etc but i just dont know how to go about it all with him since he at times can be distant but he is working on communicating better with me someone please help im in need of advice..
Shithappens says
Hi, please advise me . Im may am landing myself into some kind of shitty situation.
Im 26 this year. 3months ago, this man approached me. He’s 37 yrs old now. He’s very smart, hes suave, hes tall and good looking, rich and owns a business. 1 of his revenue comes from another source-property investing. And thats how i gotta know him by the way.
We hang out several occasions, 4 times to be exact within this 3months?
What i hated about him was, hes so secretive! Eg: when we took pictures with his digital camera, he doesnt allow me to touch the camera at all even if i just wanted to see the pics we both took mins back.
he call and sms me when he likes it? other than that, he disappears?
i seriously wonder if he is married? and i dunno whats he’s doing in his daily life?whenever i asked him about his life and personal life, he ALWAYS says he busy and his not married blah blah..
Im not asking, nor hoping for his commitment, but at least, honesty is very important isnt it?
because of this, i disappear from him for a month. he calls and sms me quite aggresively?
today, was our 4th meeting. we had wine, dinner in town, and he brought me to one of his place? which i believes is one of his property?
we had sex. As much as i hated it, i dun want to be intimate with him, but yes. we ended up having sex. I regretted. deeply .very.
So, is he serious in me? or he’s really married but wana fool around?
I wanted to leave him so much. maybe i should.
Now, im so worried i will get pregnant.
britanee says
I have a question ,i have been seeing a guy for about 2 months ,started out talking on the phone then he was coming to town to see me(he lives 3 hours away) i have gone and stayed with him for a week and met his friends we had a great time he tells me how much his friends like me, and says things like”since i have been talking to you i dont even care about other girls” he basically treats me like his girlfriend even though we are not dating. So i thought it would be alright to bring up not sleeping with other people i simply said” as long as we are doing our thing i just want you to know that i am not going to sleep with anyone else” he said”ok” but wont say anything else. Im confused he gives me all the signs and says all the right things to make me think we are exclusive and now im freaked out thinking i have ruined what could have been something really amazing, please help:)
Pretty says
Hey christian i have a boyfriend for 2yrs inlove and now i am born again christian believer this bf is working overses and im here in south africa how could i tell him about this issue i promise god that i can never do sex until i get married . Is he stil going to love me or he wil leave me as we have done sex before bye pretty
yvonne tan says
how to know that guy really like u or interested on u waiting for weekend call for movies or pub singsong or drinking beer.
how to know that other friend will told him all the bad things about the bad lady.
how to stop twins sister like u stop following for dating with friend or some other people i and very sick about my older sister keep check on me and asking me where are u what are u doing so sick i hate her.
please give me some space for some air ok.
i not yound anymore like that all my friend will afraid on me and runaway what can i do about and what the hell she continues to this to me.
i really cannot have a good fresh air in my life.lastime i have 3 ex-boy friend because of her i break up with my ex-boy friend very saddness and heart paintfully going to die mah.
and now my friend intruction new guy for me and she also same doing same way to me follow me where i go and try to control me time and check on me everytime i hate her.
please send her a nice guy ask her go away please.
doms says
liked ur post..it is helpful..i think i have to take more steps to try n understand him…thanks.
Laura says
How do you tell a man that you’ve been beaten and raped?
rosemary says
hi Christian.. Ok here’s the deal I am a separated 36 yr old woman who is seeing a married man! Yikes… I kw he we both have feelings for each other deeply. He says he don’t love her.. But can see us being with each other in the future,has strong feelings for me, he wants to leave his wife but in the fear of only having & seeing his boy only what the court usually appoints fathers.. He says he can’t leave his son with out seeing him every day. So my question is should I wait patiently or let go? PS… I think I love him but scared to tell him.