What is a man thinking when it seems like he’s “into you” at first, but soon after you get intimate with him, he “cools off” and starts acting distant?
How can you tell if it’s too early to sleep with a man? And what can you do if you’ve ALREADYbeen physical and now he’s stopped calling for no apparent reason whatsoever?
I received an email from a reader who went through this exact situation.
I think you’ll “feel her pain” and see why I wanted to respond to her.
This sort of dreadful situation happens with lots of women, and it leaves them feeling helpless and bad about themselves and sometimes about men in general.
So, would you like to know what’s going on with a man in this situation and how to handle it?
>>>> Question From A Reader
I’ve just bought your book….I’m from Thailand and I appreciated your book so much. Unfortunately, I read the lesson about Thinking in Time Frames where you taught how to let a man wait for sex… but I’ve already made that mistake and had sex with him. I want a more serious relationship and I told him afterwards, but as you told me he would, he became impatient when we talked and it made me so frustrated and upset.
Now he’s acting distant. So, what should I do to rewire our relationship and make him see my worth?
I feel so disappointed about my actions. Christian, please help me.
J from Thailand
I want to give you a big hug… and then a hard dose of REALITY.
Ok, listen closely.
Here’s something you NEVER EVER want to forget.
It’s the real truth about how most men think when it comes to sex and “dating” in casual and UNCOMMITTED relationships…
Just because a man has sex with a woman, it doesn’t mean that he’s spent even a second of his time deciding whether or not he wants to be with her or have a relationship in the future.
In other words… a man’s not going to ever “see your worth” just because you’ve slept with him.
And more to the point, it is NOT the Physical Attraction a man feels for a woman, and getting close to her physically, that makes a man really “feel it” for you and want more.
Sex does NOT equal a relationship for a man.
In fact, since you don’t seem to be getting what’s going on with men at all… I’m going to tell you that you need to think of sex and relationships as two completely different things which have nothing to do with one another.
What makes a man “see your worth” and end up FEELING so strongly for you that he wants a real relationship is something other than sex and PHYSICAL desire and ATTRACTION.
Here’s the thing…
I don’t know if you see this, but you’ve moved on to wanting “something serious” right after you and he had sex- thinking that sex of course means there SHOULD be a relationship and he should feel the same way about you.
The decision to have sex with a woman often has NOTHING to do with whether a man has decided that he wants to “date” you more seriously.
And sure… it would be nice if men were different and didn’t take sex so lightly.
And it would be great if a man let you know how he felt and what he really wanted before he slept with you…
But that’s not the reality of how men think.
Here’s another thing you need to understand-
I’m willing to bet that you’re not entirely innocent here, either.
You contributed to the situation, too.
Let me ask you…
Were you up-front and honest about what you were looking for BEFORE you slept with him?
Did you say to him-
“If we sleep together, I’m going to want a relationship.”
“I only sleep with a man if he already values me and sees me for the amazing woman that I am.”
My guess is no, you didn’t say anything like that.
You probably did what lots of women do in the “casual dating” situation when it comes to sex-
You gave him NO impression about whether you were in it for the fun and connection of it all with him, or for something more “serious.”
You thought the act of sex alone would speak for itself.
Here a few of the mistakes women make that get them into tough situations like yours:
-Not saying anything about what it means for you to share yourself with him because you keep telling yourself that he feels the same way you do… and you assume he wants a relationship because he wants to sleep with you
-Not saying anything about your feelings or about wanting a relationship because you thought it might “weird him out” or make it awkward.
-Not knowing exactly know how you feel and what sleeping with him will mean to you until AFTER you sleep with him and a whole rush of feelings hits you like a tidal wave
If you’ve ever felt hurt because you became physical with a man and he ended up not having an interest in “dating” or starting a relationship, then odds are you can look back and see that you did one or more of the things above.
Of course, it doesn’t seem like it’s you who is making a mistake in these situations.
It feels like THE MAN you’re with is the one who obviously doesn’t get it, and is a player for not being ready for a relationship.
Unfortunately, this is the exact kind of thinking that makes it so frustrating and difficult for some women to figure out how to move from just “dating” a guy to becoming physical and starting an exclusive, committed
If you’re like lots of women, you been “caught up” in that moment and ended up sleeping with a man you weren’t in a relationship with, thinking that you’re ok with it… and that it will be a good thing.
But then your true feelings snuck up on you and you started to freak out and feel awful when you saw that the man you shared yourself with wasn’t on the same page (wanting a relationship).
You created EXPECTATIONS from the situation that he had no part in deciding about or even discussing, and now he’s freaked because you’re confronting him with what YOU feel and what he SHOULD want, when he hasn’t even figured that out for himself yet.
Which leaves him wondering how he’s going to backpeddle out of this one…
GIVING AWAY YOUR “SELF” TO A MAN
I’ve got an important question for you…
Who made this guy the final judge of your “worth” as a woman?
So cut it out. He’s obviously not the one who holds the true measure of your worth… and he can neither give you your worth, nor can he take it away.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret.
I bet I know WHY you slept with him even though in reality you weren’t really comfortable with doing so…
You did it because you were seeking his LOVE and APPROVAL… but doing it in the worst kind of way.
You’re waiting and wanting HIM to be the strong, masculine man who will lead YOU into open and unrestrained love.
That way you can SURRENDER to the deep kind of love that you truly desire from a man.
Unfortunately, that’s not what’s happening or how he FEELS with you right now.
But deep down, you believe that if you can come up with enough “proof” that he should love and value you, and if you can make things “perfect” between you two, then he’ll become the open and loving man you imagine him to be.
That’s not how love, or relationships work.
It’s time for the little girl who’s seeking a man’s approval in order to experience love to grow up.
It’s time for you to stop hoping that a man will become the man you want him to be, when he is CLEARLY showing you that he doesn’t even have a clue about what love is or how be with a woman.
You’ve gotta stop banking on what you think this relationship COULD BE, and what I call his “future potential” and start opening your eyes to WHAT IS.
You’re so wrapped up in his perspective, what he’s doing, his feelings, his emotions and his desires (or lack thereof) that you’ve all but forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
What YOU really want.
I’ll take a wild guess here and bet that the kind of guy that you truly want isn’t a guy who is going to freak out or act distant just because you’re telling him how you’re feeling after you’ve already slept together.
Of course not.
So why are you wasting your energy trying to plead with him and CONVINCE him just so you can get the love and approval of someone who acts like a person you don’t even want to be with?!
That’s right, you DON’T want to be doing this, but you don’t feel like you can help yourself right now.
There’s a better way…
Let’s move on to figuring out what to do NOW…
LOVE, SEX AND THE MIND OF THE “MASCULINE MAN”
I’m going to give you a short lesson on the quasi-biological reasons men act the way they do when it comes to sex.
Pay careful attention here.
Each person has a certain balance of masculine and feminine “energy.”
Obviously, men have more masculine and women have more feminine, but every person can have a little of both.
The feminine energy grows with connection and love, and with “surrender” to all kinds of joyful experiences.
This is often why women feel a sense of connection and surrendering with sex, and often have deeper feelings for a man afterwards.
But the masculine energy doesn’t work this way. At least the “darker” part of a man.
The masculine energy seeks CHALLENGE and a feeling of “emptiness” and “freedom.”
Have you ever heard a man talk about how he wanted his “freedom”… and you wondered what in the world he was talking about?
This “freedom” or emptiness is actually the masculine means of surrender and fulfillment.
Just as the feminine means is connection and loving.
Ever noticed that lots of men fall right to sleep or act like they’re off somewhere else after sex?
It’s because the tension of reaching their “challenge” (sex) is released, and now they feel a sense of emptiness and freedom from that tension.
With sex, a man doesn’t automatically “surrender” to love and connection the way a woman does… unless he LEARNS to.
And here’s another way of looking at it…
Have you noticed that most men don’t have the same strong drive to be deeply and unwaveringly CONNECTED to the people around them like most women do?
They don’t call their friends and talk on the phone on a regular basis and they don’t worry about how “close” their relationships to their friends and family are at any given moment.
Oftentimes, they’re driven by something that has nothing to do with love, intimacy and connection.
Yeah, I know. Men seem CRAZY and messed up and different.
But men don’t have to be bizarre and strange this way.
Men can become more emotionally-conscious and aware of what’s going on around them in love and relationships.
And if they have a woman who “gets it”, something amazing can happen-
If a man has those intense strong feelings that make him feel physically and EMOTIONALLY CONNECTEDto a woman… then she can lead and challenge him in ways that will make him grow into a great lover and partner.
For instance, a woman can help a man understand how to finally find the “freedom” he looks for in a new way- through LOVE and connected experience.
THE FEELING YOU NEED TO CREATE INSIDE A MAN BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX
Here’s the thing…
Yes, you might have “goofed” by being physical with him too early.
You know, before you were clear about what YOU wanted, so that you wouldn’t get hurt if you found
out he didn’t want the same thing.
But stop being so hard on yourself. It’s the past, and it’s not the problem now.
The real problem now is something entirely different.
Sleeping or being physical with a man is NOT a bad thing.
But FIRST you’ve got to CREATE the right FEELINGS inside him- feelings that have nothing to do with SEX- for sex to end up truly bringing you closer in love.
A man won’t “fall” for you just because you’ve slept together. Although, it’s likely that YOU will feel more bonded to him after sleeping with him.
It’s part of the biological make-up of a woman and a man. It’s the way things are “wired.”
So you want to know how to “re-wire” things?
First of all, stop hoping the fact that you’ve had sex to magically win him over into being an open and loving partner like you are.
Then go back and read the section in Chapter 8 of my e-book called “Triggering A Deeper Level Of Attraction In A Man.”
What you need to know is there.
In it, I explain in detail what that OTHER kind of ATTRACTION is that goes deeper than just the everyday PHYSICAL ATTRACTION a man can feel for you…
Plus, I show you HOW to make a man start experiencing this other kind of attraction for you, and what to do to keep that feeling inside him growing more and more intense to the point where he can’t help but want to be with you and only you.
When a man feels ATTRACTION for you in this way, then he will become EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to you on a deeper level than he ever could simply through his physical desire for you.
You know a man has intense physical desires.
But have you taken the time to learn how the deeper, more “relationship-oriented” feelings and emotions are created inside him?
The feelings that make a man want to be with one woman in a committed relationship are different than what makes A WOMAN open to exploring a relationship.
If you’re reading this and haven’t downloaded a copy of my e-book yet, be sure to go here and be reading that section within minutes:
But let’s keep going and I’ll touch on a few of the same points that are in there.
Ever thought about what a man really wants in a woman?
I’m talking about mature, healthy men here. Not “man-boys” or “players”, who have a totally different agenda altogether.
**Men want someone that they feel deeply ATTRACTED to.**
They want to have that feeling of WANTING a woman.
They want to worship her, to please her, to ravish her, and to sweep her off her feet with their physical and emotional presence.
And for the woman to be utterly and completely taken with them and what they do.
So, what happens when men act like they’re not interested in anything serious or don’t want a relationship or their too busy to have one… or any other of a list of lame excuses they give you?
This happens because most women don’t create the experience that will make a man FEEL this way.
Plain and simple.
A man is looking for that “WOW!” experience with a woman.
And when he doesn’t feel it, there’s nothing a woman who doesn’t make him FEEL this way can do or say to make him want something more with her.
He just loses interest and moves on.
The other thing to know is that men have something that I call the “Pursuit Gene.”
There’s a drive in men that makes them want to be CHALLENGED… and to overcome that challenge.
I know it sounds clich, but it’s true.
Men want to be challenged by the idea of meeting, attracting, and pursuing a woman.
And then they want to win the woman over and feel stronger as a man for having done it.
Men will meet this challenge in one of two ways –
1. They’ll find fulfillment from the feeling of “freedom” and emptiness by physically being with a woman in the short-term (sex)
2. They find connection and love by physically AND emotionally being with the woman in a deeper and “longer-term” way (relationship)
Here’s the AMAZING part…
A woman helps him choose which it will be with her.
The point is, men LOVE the chase.
It’s part of their genetic make-up.
But if a woman loses control emotionally, seeks HIS APPROVAL or thinks she can trade sex to receive love before a man is experiencing an intense desire to WIN HER OVER and to be with her, then something bad happens.
The man loses that feeling of excitement and challenge with her.
He recognizes that the woman has already given over physical and emotional CONTROL to him.
Which destroys the strongest “lead-in” to creating lasting love with a man.
What is that “lead-in”?
Men want to feel ATTRACTION.
They don’t want a woman to try to convince them that what they’re experiencing and feeling should be meaningful and loving.
No. That’s not how men work.
Instead, they want to FEEL their desire for a woman inside their whole body, emotionally driving them, and for it to be undeniable and unrelenting.
Get where I’m going here?
So if you don’t allow a man to FEEL that desire, to feel like he can’t stop thinking about you and wanting you BEFORE you sleep with him, it’ll won’t create a situation where he’s going to want anything more than a fleeting sexual experience.
There is a way to get a man FEELING it for you.
There are specific behaviors and attitudes that make a woman literally IRRESISTIBLE to a man, so that he will feel that strong desire to be with you before, during and the all-important AFTER getting physically intimate with him.
And he will not only be “open” to talking about something deeper and more meaningful with you, he’ll INSIST on it.
In fact, I’ve put together an entire program about what it is that makes a man fall madly for you because he just can’t stop thinking about you and wanting you.
This program is Natural & Lasting Attraction and in it, I explain exactly what a woman can do and say to push all the “right buttons” to create EMOTIONAL attraction.
I also reveal little-known secrets such as:
-How to spot and identify an immature man QUICKLY so you never again waste your time on someone who
doesn’t deserve you
-The 5 things about a woman that a man is genetically programmed to be attracted to… and how to quickly let a man know you possess ALL these qualities
-The mysterious “missing ingredient” that makes a man interested in MUCH MORE than just a short fling or affair
-And tons more…
I explain it all right here in a special letter I wrote about “Natural & Lasting Attraction” that you can read right now by clicking here:
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love,
P.S. As with all my programs, “Natural & Lasting Attraction” is yours FREE to try out for a full month before you need to pay anything.
I even pay to ship the order to you, so there are no “hidden costs.”
You don’t have to keep it or pay for it if you don’t think it’s the most revolutionary relationship advice you’ve ever heard. Simply return within the first month and you won’t be charged a dime.
You have nothing to lose, and so much to gain once you start doing what really works to make a man find you IRRESISTIBLE to the point that he has to be the one man who gets your time and attention.
Go here now:
It’s amazing how we women know all this but choose to lower the standard bar!
It truly does come down to being honest with ourselves and what we truly want.
It takes a while to to learn these things but self worth and knowing your own
Boundries are key. Thx appreciate your tips
i felt as bad after being a victim of the above mentioned,but after this read,my eye opened and boy ,am ready to move on???
Wow…..Thank you somuch.This totally helped me, this is gonna work out I need to move on….
Interesting because I just got physical with a man I have been seeing for 8 wks….reading this makes me feel comfortable that I have not made a mistake. He was open to giving a little more in the communication area afterwards & he knew I am looking for more than a casual fling. He is the one contacting me & I already felt that “he feels it” prior to giving myself to him. I have been honest & I know he respects that, in saying that I am careful in the way I ask questions or say whats on my mind & thats all thanx to you, your tips etc.
Well, are we not all wiser now. I wish I’d read this before I launched into an intense physical relationship soon after I met Mr Gorgeous. Needless to say..he soon got all distant…just as I was getting intense feelings for him. Its taken 3 months to get over his disappearance…but I’ve learned what I needed to and can honestly say that I wont go down that road so soon again.
Is there no way to amend things once you’ve made the fatal mistake of sleeping with him?!
i’m not quite ready to give up.. although the distance is definitely there..
and why is it we always do this with the most gorgeous ones?!
hopefully lesson learned.. but regrets are rife!
I’m a guy, but I can’t agree with you more. We love the challenge and we will regularly go out of our way to chase and please a woman that makes us work for them. On the other hand don’t think that by just abstaining from having sex you’ll get him to fall from you…it’s actually a good way to get a guy frustrated.
As a man who has regular “casual” sex and no problems meeting new attractive women, I would just lose patience with a woman that looks like she wants to have sex but doesn’t want to “give it away” because she’s scared it will break the chances of a relationship. I’ve had sex on the first date and still went out of my way to see the girl again…and also chased a woman for a month before giving up because it was obvious she wanted me to commit to a relationship before I had sex with her.
I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna commit to a relationship before I’ve had sex a couple of times with a girl. Having good sexual chemistry is a must for me, and the only way to make sure it’s there is to have sex ;)
Some proper Randomer says
I’m a guy also, I agree with it also. Love the challenge. If you tease a guy, he will want it more and more.
It’s funny reading this as a guy as it seems weird that girls find it hard to understand :D
susan coner says
I know a girl went to bed with this guy the first time she met him and they are married for 18 years.
Jezyca Skylar says
It’s funny, the guy, Jami, who goes against Christian’s advice and says that a man needs to have sex to decide whether or not he’s attracted to you also describes himself as someone who has frequent casual sex. Is this the type of guy you want for a boyfriend?
He describes a situation where the woman doesn’t want to have sex because she’s ‘scared’ to jinx it – but what if she does want to have sex, intensely, but is capable of waiting confidently because she knows her worth.
Also read: he chased a woman for a month and lost his patience because she wanted him to commit before sex. Well clearly he was not up for reaching for the top of the tree. He didn’t have confidence in himself to know that she would give it up, probably sooner rather than later, if he just showed up fully and completely.
I personally think that you don’t have to go ‘all the way’ to know what the sexual chemsitry is. It’s all in the kiss and the touch.
I think what Jezyca says about the Jami guy is very accurate, and most of all, she’s really right about the kiss and the touch. Especially the kiss. I think the kissing style tells a lot about a man’s love-making technique.
I never agree with Christian Carter. He names women feel like they are doing it all wrong so he can sell books! Every situation, every two people are different… to assume a woman wants a relationship after sex is as inane as saying every man just wants to only get laid… in fact a recent study of singles in Chicago showed that men are more likely to freak out after sex and see it as an obligation for something more whereas women see it as part of the dating peocess… yeah, get with the new millenium Mr Carter and quit living in the 1950s or cave man times! Lol