Have you ever noticed that the more you try to get close to a man and improve your relationship… the more DISTANT and withdrawn he’ll become?
Well, recently I received an email from a woman who shared her story about this.
I think you’ll feel for her and relate to the struggle that she’s facing.
That’s why I’ve devoted today’s newsletter to teaching you:
-why men can grow more distant the more you try to get closer to them
-the mistakes most women make when trying to bring men closer
-what REALLY works in creating a lasting and committed relationship with a man, and what doesn’t
-how a man becomes truly committed to a woman on a physical AND emotional level
So here we go…
***QUESTION FROM A READER***
I recently met guy and we started dating. From our first date he was very forward with me (kissing, touching, etc) and I was the reserved one until the third date or so ( I hadn’t had that much experience with men).
After a few weeks when he realized I started having “feelings” for him he decided that he wasn’t the right one for me. He said he has never been in love with anyone before and it is better to break up with me now than in six months time. Is he scared of getting hurt again? (his previous relationship ended after six months and she broke it off about this time last year)
It came out of the blue for me as he seemed very attracted to me physically and that we had a lot in common. I put it down to him being under a lot of pressure due to his personal circumstances (he even admitted that). We talked it over and said he liked me and felt attracted to me but it was up to me to decide what I wanted to do about it.
As we met to discuss the situation it was like we never discussed not to continue the relationship as he was very physical again. I didn’t stop him as I was very attracted to him but drew the line at sex at that time. After a few more weeks have passed things seemed to have be fine again but we have since broken up and he has decided that we should be friends. I told him I don’t know how to be friends with an ex as I have never gone through this situation. Why did he suggest this? Does he still want to be involved in my life?
He said there isn’t anyone else in his life and I believe him as he doesn’t have the opportunity to meet women. We have seen each other as friends twice since the decision was made and we got very close physically especially the second time. I realize this was a mistake you don’t need to tell me that.
I asked him about his reasons for stopping the relationship but he said it is a mix of things on his side and mine and not to discuss it again. I am not saying I want him back as I don’t want to convince someone to be with me. I just don’t understand his reasoning behind staying friends. I think we were together because we were both lonely at the time and connected through some very similar circumstances. Should I let this go or give him time? I can’t wait forever.
I am very confused about my feelings. Thanks for reading my e-mail.”
I know your situation is endlessly frustrating and seems impossible to understand… as I’ve seen TONS of women go through or tell me about a very similar experience with a man.
Why is it that men will act distant with you to the point where a break up happens… only to come back and act affectionate for a little while, and THEN go back to being distant and uncertain?
After he pursues you physically and you start getting comfortable and open up your feelings again, he starts back-pedaling.
And he tells you things like, “you are putting too much pressure on me”.
“Let’s just be friends.”
“Things are moving too fast.”
Or he doesn’t say anything at all. He just calls less, or stops calling altogether.
And when you try to talk about it, he reacts like you’re laying some guilt trip or some heavy burden on him… and he backs off even further.
What’s happening here? Why do so many men do this?
To explain why this is with men, let me ask you a question…
When you are feeling upset about something, do you call up close girlfriends to talk it over and work out the best thing to do?
If you’re like most women, you often do this.
Now ask yourself…
How many MEN do you know call up their close guy friends to share their feelings and get advice for what’s going on in their life and relationships?
It’s just not part of the way they deal with emotions and relationships in their lives.
Most men spend less time “analyzing” all the specifics in their relationships… and they generally have a more personal and internal way of dealing with or “processing” their feelings. (Yes, men do have feelings after all.)
But in case you haven’t noticed, men don’t feel better or clearer after “analyzing” a situation the way women do.
In fact, oftentimes, doing so can actually make a man feel “drained” instead.
I think deep down somewhere you recognize this. Part of you knows men are different in this way. But another part of you fears or resents this because it can make a man seem “unengaged” or shut off from his feelings.
And that can spell BAD NEWS for women in relationships where they feel UNCERTAIN.
Here’s my point…
Considering all this about how men and women can be different, how do you think a man is going to react when a woman isn’t happy with the way a relationship is going and wants to talk or analyze why he’s not “feeling it” for her?
He’ll probably respond negatively, get irritated, or just shut down altogether.
Arggggh! Frustrating, right?
Let me quickly cut to the chase about what’s going on here…
There are about 50 things I could tell you about how your man is at fault and creates these problems for himself and for you in your relationship.
But that’s not going to help you learn anything about YOURSELF.
You could spend days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man, what he thinks, and why he does the things he does.
But if you want to be smart…
And you want relationships to start “working” for you, then you’ll make sure you have things handled for yourself first.
And that way you’ll have the CERTAINTY that only comes from understanding what’s happening in the relationship around you… and what YOU need to do in each situation that comes up with a man, especially in a case like this where you are dealing with an “Emotionally Unavailable” man.
The “Emotionally Unavailable” man is a man who has one foot out the door.
One moment he may be ready to step into the boat with you… he wants to be with you… he wants to spend all his time with you… and it seems as though he is ready to start on a beautiful journey with both of you together.
Then he stops dead in his tracks and starts thinking about that boat on the pier. That’s solid land. Land he knows how to navigate.
Maybe he’s never been on the boat before or maybe he doesn’t think he has a “map” in order to truly understand where the boat is going. What if their boat hits a rock? What if they get lost on their journey? (like his comment about “never having been in love before”) Maybe stepping back on solid ground that he is familiar with is the only option he sees.
And so he tells you, “I think we should just be friends.”
One of the most common, frustrating and destructive things these men do with women in relationships is pull away or completely withdraw emotionally.
If you’ve ever had this happen and it dragged on, even just for a few hours or days, then you know it can feel like a slow “emotional death.”
Well, there’s something that lots of women don’t recognize that I want to share with you…
It’s that when it comes to emotional withdrawal and distance in a relationship, most men DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND what it is they’re doing… and why it would be such a problem for their relationship.
Ok, let me repeat that.
Some men just plain DON’T GET IT.
And more to the point, don’t want to.
Now, why am I telling you this?
Because lots of women get upset and try to analyze the situation with a man to death, trying to get all kinds of “meaning” from what he tells them and looking for the deeper reason behind his distance.
When in fact, the truth is that lots of men don’t appreciate how important sharing feelings, emotions, and experiences are to a relationship, and to a woman. (Duh!)
So when a great woman comes along that he could have an amazing time with and get close to…
And she starts noticing that he isn’t as “involved” emotionally…
Instead of identifying these for what they are (part of his natural “masculine” tendency to pull away and focus in a less emotionally involved way) she feels rejected, unappreciated or deadened by it.
Men who are emotionally unavailable think of themselves as “easygoing” and “laid back”.
Not “detached” or “distant”.
They’ll say things like:
“It’s better if we don’t talk about it.”
Or…”Why do you nag me about this stuff?”
Or… “Don’t worry about it so much?”
So what’s a woman to do with a man who thinks or talks this way?
Accept that he’ll never open up and share with her?
Resign herself to a life and a relationship without real love and connection?
Dump him and move on?
Well, what I can tell you is that as much as men are different, a man MUST BE willing to be part of the learning process that IS a relationship for love to grow and last.
Translation – if he’s open to learning and growth in some way, then he’s not a lost cause.
Which is why I’ve got two important questions for you-
Question #1. How open to learning and growth is the man in your life?
This is an important question to consider when you’re thinking about the kind of relationship you REALLY and truly want, and if the man you’re interested in is open and willing to have that.
The man you choose can help make all the difference for you.
Question #2. How open are YOU to the idea that YOUR OWN words and behavior often result in a man becoming LESS OPEN to learning and growth with you?
All healthy, mature people in relationships learn to take responsibility for their part in how their partner responds.
As much as men might be less “emotionally involved”, tons of women are blinded to the fact that they create more of the situation they fear most in their relationship – having a man shut off.
When you keep getting a man who shuts off when you try and talk about your feelings, what’s bothering you, or what’s wrong with your relationship… it would be a good idea to take a minute and look at YOUR PART in all of this, and the way you communicate.
Like, being ok with getting physical one day, then being upset that it didn’t “mean” what you wanted it to mean the next day.
You see what I’m getting at here?
But what if you knew about how COMMITMENT really works inside a man’s mind and heart… and you had a “map” to get you BOTH to a deeply committed place together in your relationship, without coming up against the resistance some men put up when they tell you they “aren’t ready”, “don’t want to hurt you” or “just want to be friends” (when it’s clear that they are physically attracted to you)?
Would a “map” like this help you feel more comfortable, guide you smoothly through what was coming next with a man, and help you grow CLOSER in your relationship?
And would you want to know all the juicy details of HOW and WHY commitment either leads to more happiness and intimacy, or just makes a man feel LESS CERTAIN with you than before he become more emotionally and physically involved with you?
There is a common mistake women make with men they want to be in a close, connected relationship with.
They wait until things are difficult and intense to try and have the real conversations about who they are, what they want, and where things are going.
And they find out too late where a man is really at, and where he’s really coming from.
It’s CRITICAL to learn to understand a man for who he is and what his patterns, fears, and hang-ups are so that you can either address them and move ahead to a deeper level of understanding and commitment…
Or you can be clear about the fact that he needs to deal with these for himself BEFORE you give him more of your time and energy.
Identifying what kind of “resistance” you’re going to have in your relationship before it comes up is what’s going to help you create the situation you’ve always known is possible in your love life… and make it LAST.
Of course, once you start to put together the puzzle pieces and raise your AWARENESS about your relationship and the man you’re with… from there you still need to know how to grow closer and become more committed over time… instead of growing apart like so many couples end up doing.
There are LOTS of different levels of commitment, and monogamy is just one of them.
Committing to honesty is another.
And committing to an emotionally close and intimate relationship regardless of external events is yet another.
But in order for commitment to last, you need to build it over time, in a natural way that will feel good for you AND for a man too.
Unfortunately, when it comes to a LASTING COMMITMENT, this uncertain, chaotic, “take-it-as- it-comes” approach ends up failing a majority of the time.
How would you like to have a clear understanding of what really makes a “GOOD MAN” – from the standpoint of emotions, sexuality, behavior and his readiness for commitment?
If you’re feeling like you wouldn’t know a good man when you saw one, then I have some GREAT news for you.
In my Inside the Mind of a Man program, I take you through the 3 Male Archetypes and the different levels of emotional maturity in a man…amazing insights that will empower you to “spot” a great man and dismiss the “boys” from the first time you meet.
This program will also show you how to cheat-proof your relationship, communicate your feelings to a man, and know exactly what he’s thinking in certain situations – even if he doesn’t say anything at all.
It’s all right here:
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.