Why Men Withdraw, And What To Do About It
Tons of women do this one thing.
And it must leave them feeling awful…
I wonder if you do it too?
I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love.
Ever felt this way?
It’s happens when you won’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”.
Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away.
The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.
I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…
First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.
I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.
(and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general - man or woman)
There’s a pattern to the dating experiences that I’d like to share.
THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…
(let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman)
You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky me!)
Feelings develop for us both on several levels. (physically, emotionally, socially)
You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool.
We have a great “connection”, but we never talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship or marriage.
Time goes by and things are great for us.
Eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship.
You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.
You’re scared because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past.
And sometimes I even make negative remarks about women and their emotions.
You don’t want to ruin the good things we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your mind you know that you’ll want to deal with the negative emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind.
Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I’m not looking for much more than what we have right now.
So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings.
And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!)
You become frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act.
Things begin to change with the way I treat you.
I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.
I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.
I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home.
I call you less frequently.
I don’t initiate sex as much anymore.
You even consider that I could be seeing someone else.
And after a few months - I’ve become distant.
So what happens next?
You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk about where we’re at.
But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.
And to wrap the story up…
You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…
You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”!
(you get upset and lose your cool with me)
All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…
This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.
Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.
It might include:
- Complaining about the current state of the relationship
- Talking about the things he does wrong with you
- Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing
- Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel
- Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments
But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.
This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive result with him.
That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it.
In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.
Yep, I know it’s not fair, but it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…
I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake.
Yeah, I know… it’s inmature, selfish and not fair of the man, but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up in with men.
So how do you avoid this….? I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.
Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man…
Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…
Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.
Kind of like it’s the unspoken truth about what’s going on.
Honestly… this isn’t how it works for us men.
If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, you’re wrong.
Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship.
Some men do, but not most.
For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.
Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.
Scary!
But I hear lots of women think that other women are just lucky to have found such a great guy.
And while there are some men who are more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it’s NOT luck that women in great relationships have found a way to communicate with their guy.
That’s right, they’ve taken time to find the right information and to learn to integrate a certain way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.
It’s not easy, but there’s help.
Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”
EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It’s basic human nature.
But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part of your life!)
Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.
The root of this problem basically boils down to needs that are unmet.
So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be, without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.
When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.
And men can read and pick up on women who do this instantly.
I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communication all the time in business by the way.
Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication.
Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it.
The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on the defensive.
But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, and not what THEY WANT from me, when they talk it changes the whole situation the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.
It’s very simple but extremely powerful.
So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men.
It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’s at and where’s he’s coming from.
This cliche’ is a around for a reason.
It works.
Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about.
But you’ve got to be careful to not become the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.
Use your common sense and intuition to safeguard yourself - I know that your female perceptive abilities aren’t used nearly enough, so put these strong tools to good use.
Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake
Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…
Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.
I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself - and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.
Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”… (Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)
Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.
So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships.
Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen.
It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.
If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it!
There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want.
In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first.
When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have the advantage. You know exactly what the other person wants… and knowledge is influence and power.
I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating here with a man, but some of the same rules and principles about people and psychology apply.
When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.
Try this instead.
Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.”
It might sound submissive, corny or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…
If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.
You might want to check out what could be the world’s best collection of ideas, strategies, insights and research on the subject of how to avoid the Big Mistakes, and other big mistakes in my ebook, “ Catch Him And Keep Him”.
It’s full off specific ways to communicate with a man that will instantly amplify the attraction he feels for you and help move things quickly and smoothly from “casual” to “committed” in no time flat.
I’ve spent the better part of the last year making sure my ebook will give you REAL WORLD ANSWERS and solutions to the things you’re dealing with when it comes to men.
Go check it out right now:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
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[REVISED] christian made some good points , but his supposed “mistakes” & “solutions” were redundant, & nearly indifferent. SCENARIO ONE ; the fact that women are more emotional, & can bare a child makes them far more evolved than men. but in the business world ,these fantastic traits are considered flaws. since they are typically paid half of what their male counterparts are generating, WOMEN BECOME BITTER. SCENARIO TWO ; attractive women can bed any man they want from the ages of 16-36, but oddly they don’t. men on the other hand, must toil for these feats, regardless of their money,looks &/or endowments … MEN BECOME BITTER. SCENARIO THREE ; most women ” hit the wall ” at 36, & their significant others leave them for a young “trophy”. most attractive women who are solely defined by their beauty become BITTER when it fades. these examples of repressed bitterness is a common deniminator, but sadly just the tip of the iceberg. crude & rude, but true, men have been hard-wired for conquest, killing, raping & pillaging for hundreds of centuries. do you ever wonder how a puppy knows how to bark at black people when it is only one day old , or how they know how to kick their hind legs on their poop at one day old …HARDWIRING,or traits carried over from one generation to another. during an interview w/carrie fisher, actor alec baldwin declared, ” outside of sex , i prefer the company of men.” most MEN DON’T WITHDRAW, THEY SIMPLY JUST DON’T CARE. sadly, most men deem women as just another hurdle to conquest, & most women deem men as a necessary evil in life. **sincerely, a self-hating,but proud, male.
Why is it that women have to be the ones to figure out men and what men want? I’d like to read an article in which a man writes about what men should do to communicate what they want in a relationship, keep their women happy and intune, and prevent these so called “mistakes” that women make.
Since Carter seems to have a clue about gender differences, he should offer information as to what men should do to help or improve relationships as well. His article is the same old grind; women want more than what men could provide, which is essentially bs. Women just want an answer: yes or no. Why can’t men tell them the answer?
it’s true that there seem to be a lot of single women out there who don’t want to be single and can’t seem to ‘get’ a man. Well, the advice regarding listening and empathizing is true for all relationships, not just sexual ones. So, my guess is if you have problems in all areas of friendship - are you a good friend? Do others call on you for help, company, advice etc.,? Do they invite you and introduce you to their other friends? If yes, then what do you do differently when you are looking for an intimate relationship? Maybe that’s the clue, perhaps you do put your own needs first in that case. If the answer to the above was no then ask yourself why and be honest. Perhaps you are being a bit too selfish. If you take a genuine interest in someone for who they are - not who you want them to be, they will sense it and like/love you for it. If you’re simply needy they’ll sense that too.
I have to say i do think that is it somewhat bias that as women everything falls on us. How come men dont have to go through the rules and finding out how to understand a woman. They say its because of our emotions that get us in trouble but i think that is BS. You break it down for them and you cant get any answers. And this is suppose to be from men that are so straight forward because women are suppose to be the ones that cant be direct and to the point. Why do i have to buy the books and tapes and go through the fustration of figuring out all these jacked up clues to understanding a man. Why cant they be honest with the woman being honest with them. You want us as women to step out there and bare everything and put ourselves on the line while the man gets to sit there and have us cater to them because Lord knows they are too precious to come out and express their feelings first. Well i think its crap and that is why men will continue to be the way they are because we are not holing them accountable for their actions. Once again we are giving them their free pass to be “men”. So not only do we do through the getting our hair done, the waxing, shaving, pedicures and manicures to be acceptable to men your telling me to be with or find a good man i have to go out there and do everything all these things books and magazines and cd’s tell me so i can be the woman that gets the man to keep her. How about for once you can show that we as women are good enough to have a man keep us. Because you certainly dont hear about no man going through all this to get a woman to keep him. If that was the case no man under 5′5, without a job, bald, with several kids, not living on his own, or doesnt dring or has a license would have a woman want to be with him; but the truth is this describes a lot of men and your telling me that beyond all the things i do to myself to attract these men i must go out and spend more money to buy things to understand them. Now tell me who’s is getting the short end of this stick!
You are so right!!! I dated a guy who lied about his age (20 years older) but the chemistry was there. Althought he claims I was the best sex of his life - yeah right — after two months, he then thinks I weigh too much and that’s a deal breaker. I’m an attorney and have a lot to offer a relationship. What is up with these emotionally constipated men!!
Your advice helps me a lot in understanding what a guy tends to think.
When a woman wants to get to know a man, that could mean that she has fallen in love with the guy and want to find out what he really thinks and what has gone wrong in the relationship.
I’m one of them, I will learn to listen more, put his feeling and concern as my priority, and make him love me one day! More importantly, pray for him everyday!
one of the biggest problems in a relationship is selfestness. everbody man and women both want their need met with out consideration of what it cost the relationship. another problem with is people think that sex seals the deal ,it doesn’t. quit all the guessing games and you will probably get what it is you really want. relationships take time to develope it’s not something that happens over night.
It´s nearly that I don´t bother writing an opinion here, because it´s very obvious that men comes with the same old thing, they are “men” and “needs” to be understood, this crap bs they are men, it´s ridiculous to hear. They act like babies when they talk like that. Like other say where are the books that tells and shows a man how to keep a woman, how to not make mistakes. How a man scares away a woman, what to avoid and what to do right. Hello, here is the fact :
EVERY DECENT GROWN UP MAN AND WOMAN DON´T WITHDRAW IF THEY LIKE SOMEONE. OH LORD WHAT CRAP! BE HAPPY, TAKE CARE :) THERE IS NO SUCH THINGS : SOMEONE WITHDRAW IF THEY ARE SERIOUS WITH EACH OTHER.
Mr Carter, you made some interesting points… But I have to point out that it takes two to make a relationship work. I agree with a lot of what you said, but I feel the need to draw close attention to some things you implied. Women can’t always tolerate certain male attitudes; you can’t just say “Of course, I’m a man!”. That makes no sense at all. Well, think about it; of course, I’m a woman! If men think that they are men and women should expect them to act in certain ways, then they should also have in mind that women are women and men should expect them to react in certain ways as well. Where does that leave relationships? Down the drain…. I think men should learn to start taking responsibility for their actions and start working with their partners to make their relationships work. If a man wants to be with a woman, why would he have to wait for her to do all the work? If a woman has to do all the work to make it last, then the man’s not worth it. If he leaves, then it’s a good thing for the woman, to let the right man who’s willing to share relationship responsibilities walk into her life. Guy number 1 may leave many women in his lifetime because of that attitude and then learn later in life. In fact men need to work harder than women…
OR
If it has to be that way, then women could just have in mind that men are generally naturally selfish. That is a huge flaw… which still brings us to the same conclusion…. It is either men sit up, or men sit up.
PS: I have never been dumped or been in a lot of relationships. Just my eye-opening point of view for the guys. Please don’t start to attack. Just silently consider it…
Wow. I will tell you my side of the story. I am an attractive woman in her late twenties, that is highly educated, has a doctorate degree, and is financially well off. My experience has been that once I sleep with a guy (2 weeks-1month into the relatioship) the guy pulls out of the relationship. Alternatively, in situations where I have waited longer (3 months etc) the guy stays around. I know I have lots to offer, and yet I keep questioning by part in the picture…mainly is it my fault?
It boils down to the biology. Unfortunately men are not wired in the brain the same way as women. They do like the chase, an instinct that comes from thir evolutionary past as hunters. We are talking about thousands and thoudands of years of evolution that can not be disregarded in the current modern day relationship. So even though he may be a devloped man ( holds a high graduate degreee, plays the violin, and has read Camus) he willl stil revert back to his infantile past when it comes to his behavior with women. SHIT
Then there is the moden woman, who is still strapped to her evolutionary past as a home care provider and emotional cultivator. So as a modern woman we want to give and provide emotional support for the man-unfortunately this comes off as needy.
Given these 2 disparate biological entities…what are we to do?
I agree that it is not fair to put the burden on the woman only, as her biology has not been rewired and let the man relax in his cave man mentality.
Its time for both to step up to the challenge….and challenge it is.
in response to dee reyes id like to admit 1st: im a male [25] 2nd: who agrees 100% with;
“Why is it that women have to be the ones to figure out men and what men want? I’d like to read an article in which a man writes about what men should do to communicate what they want in a relationship, keep their women happy and intune, and prevent these so called “mistakes” that women make.”
i dont see myself generally as a male but moreso as a bipolar patient struggling in a world thats complex and often confusing. in other words im just another human trying to figure these ‘things in life’ out
tho i agree with some of the things christian states, we are all flawed and inperfect and me mistakes. i see these more as one persons perspective not to be taken as solid fact.
im just as confused about women as the women seem to be confused about men.
i feel that times are different nowadays and that women [even younger than 16] are well aware of there physical attractiveness and that generally men will fall into that attractiveness like bulls to the slaughter.
but that isnt to say that ALL men are so lead about by the attractivness of their eyes or that ALL women play with their power of beauty to get what they want. its just one factor in this huge thing called life.
tho i sympathize with dee gee on some things; i disagree that;
“attractive women can bed any man they want from the ages of 16-36, but oddly they don’t. men on the other hand, must toil for these feats, regardless of their money,looks &/or endowments …”
i see more and more young women ‘bedding’ men they want as if they have assumed the role males have been known to play. now its not just about why men do they things they do [in terms of playing dirty in serious commitment and relationships], but women as well… and those type of people are going against those men AND women who try to live good lives and who search for real love sincerly, and not just some quickie or hook up.
like dee gee said, “christian made some good points , but his supposed ‘mistakes’ & ’solutions’ were redundant, & nearly indifferent.” which is expected of any imperfect human. but not all men and women are created equally the same as other men & women. i dont believe all men and women are so different from each other, but that theres people of both sexes whos behavior cris-crosses taits & stereotypes of the other gender.
it seems likes it should be less about men or women understanding each other and more about people undertstanding other people in these times of greater diversity.
I am seeing a man who has expressed to me that since we have been talking every day and getting along really great that he “has been feeling very scared”, so consequently he has stopped calling me as much and hasn’t expressed a strong desire to spend time together.
I have been very confused by this behavior since most of my ex boyfriends have NEVER said anything like this before to me ( a few have). I’ve come to the conclusion that there are a few “wierd” men that a woman will meet in her lifetime who are like this. I’ve discovered most men are not the type who get “scared” so easily. Most normal men like you and won’t run away. Who wants to waste time on these losers that always keep you guessing how they feel about you and don’t ever really know what they want. They’re not worth all these books and crap that’s needed to “get” them. Let the man run after you!!!!! If not then be happy alone, at least you’ll have more peace of mind. Running after men can make you mentally crazy and have extremely low self esteem. Christian, men aren’t all that! But, I know you’re making tons of money off these ebooks.
Liz
Hi Liz
I must totally agree with you. I had a guy proposing to marry me only to find out a month later that I have become too’restrictive’ becasue I want to keep in touch with him more than 2 times a week…of course the wedding never came…soon after he stopped calling and seeing me so often he started spending all his time playing sports, studying,working,partying, going to the pub, socialising and doing various things ( none of which he wanted me involved into )…the answer to the question what is happening with us would bring an answer of the sort ‘ I am confused, too busy, can’t talk right now’…then I found out a whole pile of photoes of him with other girls, partying or having dinner, but he said they weren’t current….ya right! So we have confusion, lies, deception, broken engagement….I call it lack of responsibility, immaturity and also male ego needs boost ALL the time from women….
The truth is instead of taking responsibility for what is going on he blamed it on me for being restrictive ( lol it is restrictive sleeping with only one partener - who u proposed to!). Funny how guys like that never read any manuals, we loved them,look after them, wonder how to please them, in the end we are the baddies….hmmm…..ok, I totally agree with u: Losers! Any guy who likes a woman to run after him can go to hell, and if you are not just as keep on delivering the goods in the relationship as I am - then back off and ** off. It takes 2 to Tango and the responsibility things - it’s thought till the age of 7. We can’t be ur mothers boys!
P.S. I like Christian’s advice - it comfirms my belief that we give too much and receive too little - no point!
Well, i have to agree. My husband was like that. i just stuck it through. now he is kissin my butt because i am 5years younger than him and look way better at 41 than he does at 46. He has changed quite a bit becauze i was going to leave and he knew it. He was self absorbed in his work and got tunnel vision. i made it a challenge now and i ‘m not always there at his beckon call. {Problem is us woman are too good at being supportive and giving them everything so they will stay. This makes them too comfortable. You have to play games a little i just realized this after 18 years of marriage. DOn’t be too perfect it makes them insecure and hold back. Part is their wiring for sure. funny though now I got what i want I’m a little bored with it but not to the extent he was.Guess i’m content. It is too perfect. You think maybe we all want challenges?I think we have too much time to think!!! We live to long!! Have easier lives than our cromagnum ancestors so it’s all complicated. We all need to chill and quit analyzing and just enjoy things. Be happy with just being. I know i am happy and tell him now and hope we keep growing. I guess I am one of the lucky ones on my first marriage still!
I have many male friend and we talk about this in groups all the time.
1. Men a very insecure about women. Very, very very….
2. Men are afraid that they won’t get it right because women always point out their flaws.
3. Men who sleep around are often times deeply in need of a womans love but deep inside they are afraid that if they stick with one woman she will see his imperfections and stop loving him.
4. Most men who can’t commit to a relationship have been badly hurt in his earlier years and decided that loving a woman was too complicated, too much work.
5. Men are the ones to do most of the work. They have to go chasing the woman and wait to hear if the answer is yes or no. They deal with rejection all the time, so they have to toughen up and deep inside they are very insecure too.
6. Everybody loves the chase, I am a chick and if a man comes too easily I am bored to death.
7. Guys complain all the time, all the time, that if they are too nice, they do alllllll the work, they wine and dine a woman and then she dumps him. why? he is tooo nice, she says.
8. Ladies stop whining you also have made men super crazy. while you get to choose they have to run though severl women who will turn them down before the one who accepts and says yes.
9. If he is not into you, maybe he also does not feel that you accept him enough. Maybe you complain about his flaws and men have low tolerance for pain.
10. Women have the opportunity to complain to their girlfriends about men and sort out the pain but guys dont have anyone to share their pain with, so they keep all the hurt and confusion inside of themselves and come up with a plan on how to treat woman, usually its a bad plan based on hurt and confusion but its their way of coping with the hurt.
11. Every human being wants to be loved, including men. The same man who runs from you will stay with another woman and fall inlove with her. She may evern be less attractive than you or less successful than you but she makes him feel awesome because she does not complain about every little flaw that he has.
12. Ladies be alluring, but dont ever chase a man. Do let him come to you but also remind him that he is a man by complementing his good sides, at least once a week.
13. Give a little then pull back. Everybody loves mystery. Give a bit then pull back. Let him wonder about you a bit. Go with the girls but dont give him full account of where, when and how. but dont try to make him insecure, just a bit curious and to know that you can enjoy your life without him too.
14. Don’t become his mother, that is not sexy by any means. If you feel that you must do everything for a man and complain about everything that he does, he will feel as attracted to you as he does to his mother.
15. If you do one good thing nice for him, make sure to do two good things for yourself.
Love him much but love yourself MORE!!!
In the first comment, the guy said that puppies bark at “black people”….what world are you living in….im stumped on that one…ABSOLUTELY NO TRUTH TO THAT STATEMENT WHAT SO EVER…
anyways, nobody is trying to make this about race…just that It was kinda an “out of the place statement”…anywho, im not black by the way…
but, there is only a small bit of truth to this….
Men don’t withdraw because they are “scared of an over-emotional woman”…not hardly. Some men withdraw because they dont know how to express and understand their feelings.
Generally, if a man feels that he is getting too close to a woman, he fears getting hurt in the relationship or commitment altogether.
History has very little to do with the way people react to people in this day and age and if any man thinks that he must have been born and raised in the wild..Men and women have evolved.
Men are hardwired, in their brains, to have sex and reproduce…with that said, men will do any and everything to get some good sex…but once they get it, they instantly withdraw because they got what they wanted out of the situation.
Women on the other hand are hardwired to select the Alpha male…in this day in age, the alpha male is the person that she can relate to, the person who she finds comfort in..the person who gives her affection and happiness…there is no demand for BREADWINNERS…women can do these things for themselves now.
My advice is to every woman reading this article, LEARN HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF. If you love yourself, a man will see that quality in you and love you for who you are and you won’t have to be going around reading stuff like this in hopes of getting some “cure” or “secret love potions” to get your man…women and men, ‘GET IT TOGETHER’
To whom it may Concern,
I signed up a year ago to Christian Carter site on my other email vicky_jolley2000@yahoo.com, unfortunately I lost all data that was sent, due to stupidity, I got distracted , forgot to sign out, also I was changing my password & had down my security code answer, one of my sister changed & deleted it & I really enjoyed reading Mr. Carter articles. Is there any way you can get me back on. My new account is: jolley.vicky@yahoo.com
you women don’t know what we man want.
that’s your biggest problem. it doesn’t matter to us what you SAY but we pay attention to what you DO. and if you don’t do the 3 things we men need to be happy, it doesn’t really matter what you say or how you say it (well, we may “next!” you before if you actually are a nag).
and what those three things are?
1) you have to give us SEX. period.
2) you have to attend us, take care of us, cook for us, cuddle us. think the tipical image of the girl giving the cowboy a bath when he comes back from the wild west.
3) you have to make us feel like we are the BEST OF THE BEST of the men.
if you fail to do any of those 3 things above, it really doesn’t matter who you are, what you have, what you say, how nice is your body, etc, at best you’ll get sexually ‘used’ and forgotten very soon.
hope some of you women understand this secret of the unwritten book of men and make some of us happy. you’ll end up miserable and probably alone if you don’t anyway, so get smart!
I think this goes for both women and men. It is maturity which allows us to learn from not only our own but from the mistakes of others.
Great article and great comments. I would like to address the article as well as some of the comments left here by other readers. A woman who understands what a man needs is definitely a keeper, just like Christian says, a woman needs to be able to listen and to understand a man’s needs. Someone who left a comment on here on June 14 said exactly right; three things that a man needs – sex, care, and making him feel good about himself and better than other men.
this very thing just happened to me. I however, never had a talk with him. We dated 6 months and 3 weeks ago he dropped me off after a perfectly fine date and I have not heard from him since. He said I will call you tomorrow. I am not calling him because I know better. The crazy thing is we are in our 50’s. I thought he was a man with integrity and I can’t get over the disapointment I feel in him. I would have appreciated ” I don’t have time for this” or ” I need to move on this is not working”. It is very hurtful. I will get over it but I really have to make sure I am careful about asking for what I need next time and risk him walking away.
Some things are natural, you can like it or not, you can be against it or not, but nature i s nature and you can not change it. It does not metter it is 21 st century. That is instinct.
They shoud hunt women and women should choose the best hunter!!!
Men like to hunt, they feel more men if they hunt, and you feel more woman if you are hunted.
you must accept differences between sexes not be selfish and think only on your own. expecting he will do all the job and love you no metter you do. it is a farrytale. that would not happen even you are tha last woman on earth if you see only your side.
you will not have a happy relationship with thinking this way.
Sooner you realize and become objective, better for you.
By the way, some of you do not understand very well the point Carter is trying to say: if you wont to have a good relationship, it is not all your job in relationship, your job is just to know how to motivate ( in the right way ) him to listen to you, share feelings,want to please you… every one ( you and the guy have its own job in relationship -usually women do his job and that is BAAAAD !!! everyone should know its own role in relationship. Like your and his “job description” should be clear. ) With bad attitude and arogance you will not accomplish that.
Men like to love you, to work hard to please you but only if you have some qualities. You must know how to motivate him tu hunt you. About emotions, I do not say ( even Christian does not say this ) you sholud control totally your emotions, but also you should not be the person without control of yourself. I am pretty sure, Carter said one very very good thing. Look, It does not metter if it is guy or woman, but you must admit it is bad if person in not stabile enough to know to express emotions in the right way. It is all about that. You SHOULD express emotions but know how to do that. That is a skill !! And it is not only because to impress him, but learn that skill because of yourself. Because you care for YOUR emotional health. I care about myself ( depliation,manicure…) because I want to feel good, fresh, confort, not because of the guy.But i also work on my personality a lot. Also not because of the guy, but because I care for myself as much as I can. If you care for yourself in all ways, because of YOU !!!, he will also like that and want to care about you also, a lot. And saying it is a crap that they should undersztand us women, not we them, is also a crap. They should understand us, the same way we should understand them. But that will happen naturally if you act normally and if you are stabile as a person. He will also recognise you are the special person, he was looking for, and he will start naturally to take care of you and your relationship. If you do not have a will to save your relationship,you do not love your guy a lot. Probably he senses this. This relationship will not work and be good if something you do not chande.
sorry for being so honest and realistic. If you do not have a boyfriend or bad relationship, maybe you do something wrong ???
Maybe it is a problem in guy. You will know who has a problem in this relationship if you remember earlier relationships. If you always have the same problems in relationship, than sorry, it is your problem. You must start working on yourself more ( your stability as a person ) if you want great relationship in future, with this or another man.
p.s. i see some of you people think that you are self confident persons if you do not care about your look ( and think women should do that only to impress guys ) , how expressing your emotions…”it is just me”..”i accept what i am”… That is a lack of self confidence. People who tend to carry for their emotional health and look and physical health and work on it all life to improve it, those people are self confident.Those who feel good in their own skin, who are emotionally stabile ( i do not mean cold by that ) only those people can respect the other side too. Right guy will find you special for that.
If you want to be selfconfident, you must work on yourself. If you do not respect yourself , he will not respect you, and sorry to tell you, but it is than not his fault and problem. It is yours.
I must add, I am a woman. Not a man.
p.s. i agree men need these 3 things and have nothing to say against this because that is something that we women want from men. ( You see that we have a lot in common ;) ) Problem is when women do something only because the guys love that. This is not honest. If I am a guy, i would not appreciate that and you. So i must add something very important , before some girls start to work hard doing these 3 things. Yes, we both need these 3 things but in the right quantity !!!! If we get too much, we do not apriciate this any more. That is why women who care a lot in all 3 segments are clingy and boring after a while to a man, the same is when men constantly try hard to please us women. This is also not good although we women think we want that. When you have it you also become bored after a while. That is human nature. So you both must work on relationship. And you all see something negative in withdroving. Look at it sometimes in a positive way. It is spice for your relationship and usually happens when someone from both of you gets bored. You must be thankul for those little moments . Otherwise you wiod have a very boring relationship from the farrytale. You would not be happy in “perfect” relationship. We women and they men, nobody. We all crave for having interesting life, sometimes those little withdrawals in relationship conect you more and make your life more interesting. Instead of not accepting the rules of nature and human behaviour , try to learn about the diferencies and try to accept them. that is the only thing you can do. or you will be solo or you will have bad relationship. process of realtionship between man and woman should be this way:
0. you are self confident ( your body language can not be faked )
1. you both meet somewhere ( you make an eye contact or not )
2. he comes to you and makes the first move ( rarely modern ambitious women have luck if they make the first move, those relationships do not succeed mostly - he must feel the tension, make preparation, adrenalin, light fear to make that first move, do not make it so easy for him and do not do that instead of him, he will feel less man!!!! and there is no challenge any more )
3. he asks you for a date, your phone number ( he must call you, not you him ) These are small steps but if you do not play that right he will very soon loose his interst, before he meets you, no metter how great person you are. In this period , he must work hard to impress you. Do not start relationship immediatelly but do not wait too long also.
4. when he got your attention, now your job is ONLY to make sure that he will keep doing that in future. ( there are lot of things you can do to motivate him to continue, so you both work on relationship, not just you, not yust him.Everyone plays his own role. IT is fair play, isnt it ? But to know how to motivate him you must accept the fact that your job is to understand human nature and differences between men and women, and diferences between exactly him and you. If you do not agree with these diferences, leave tha relationship, he is not the right for you.
When he becomes bored, it will happen, theer will be such moments, do not panic and start complaining, crying, calling him, text masaging. You express the fear of loosing him. Oh babe, that is not small problem. For you !!! NO! Fear is not good emotion, so this is your problem, not his. Sorry !!! Accept this. Work on yourself ! Low self esteem women will start having these reactions. He will not react positivly also!! He will withdraw more. Control your negative emotions !!!!!!!! I can not tell you this is the most important thing. Women who do not panic do not have those problems with men. They do not need Carters advise. Men adore them.
Firs time he withdrew because he got bored. You just needed to stay calm and not panic. Nothing is bad in that. He can not please you all the time. Be fair. If you did not reacted with compaining, calling, crying, telling you are hurt….after few days of rest, everything would be like before,great!! But you made him to withdraw because of your fear and clingy behaviour and believe me, this withdorwal is not positive. Maybe he will leave you , maybe you scared him to run away. I would be also scared. You showed you are addicted to him. Addiction is never good. You know it also.
You always have to have attitude that ou chose him to be xour man and not he chose you !!!!!!! Remember that !!! You can always leave. And if he is not work on relationship anymore, and you always have the same problems, those who say : where is the book for men? No !!!! It is not necesarry! If you are stabile person, you would not have such problems that he must read a book. No !! Believe me ! You have 2 options: 1 motiovate him to be good to you
2. leave him if he is a bad guy. Staying in relationship with a bad guy, also is not his problem, it is yours. You are the one who feels used, not him. That is because your low self esteem. Stabile women do not do that.
As you see all now, you must work a lot on your reactions. If you do not like his rwactions, some behaviour, you must tell him but in the right moment and in the right way. Do not be selfish and look only your emotions first. he will defenetelly not like you because of that, no matter how honest you are. Nobody likes selfish people.
Work a lot on your personality because of yourself, because of contacts with other people, not just men. That is the only key for good relationship with good man. Carter is just telling you steps to build higher selfesteem. But you must take those steps . He can not do that , nobody can, instead of you. :(
Good luck !