I wanted to share a couple of personal questions I got from women who might be in a situation like yours.
If you’re in a relationship but having trouble taking things to the next level because your man doesn’t seem to care where things go next…
Or you find yourself losing your cool in your relationship and accidentially pushing your man away…
Then do not miss out reading this short tip-filled email.
>>>> Letter From A Reader
My name is A. and I am looking for a program that would be best for my situation. I have already bought the wonderful e book and then the “from casual to committed” DVD program series. They have brought me so much understanding and help. I am truly thankful for all your work because I believe it led to getting my ex boyfriend back as well as teaching me invaluable things I needed to know about relationships and men.
Although I am back with the man I love and learned great things that helped I still have a few problem area’s that I need help with. Me and the man I love met over four years ago and have never been engaged. I am 30 years old and he is 34. We have never lived together. there is no current plans to get married soon, and that bothers me.
I really don’t know the best way to go about asking him what his plans are as to if he is going to marry me. he shows me he cares in a lot of ways but I am not sure he wants to be with me forever and really loves me the way I love him. I am scared if I bring it up it will push him away. I don’t want to force him into anything. We are both getting older and been going out along time. what would be the best program for me to help with my problem? please let me know.
My family and friends tell me that if he isn’t going to marry me soon I should find a guy who will. I love this man a lot and don’t want to loose him but I also don’t want to feel I am not worthy of being his wife, fiancee or a serious commitment from him. He wants to see me and makes that effort to try and do things with and for me. Another problem is although I feel he loves me and I know I love him but he never tells me he loves me.
I feel he shows he loves me but it hurts for him not to tell me he does. I don’t tell him I love him because I am scared it might scare him away. It took a lot to get him back. he did leave me a few times. The advice I got from the e book and DVD program helped get him back with me. Now I am looking to take the next step to have it go further. Like I said. I am scared to confront him about marriage and where our future is going because I don’t know the best way to go about it without being needy or demanding. Please help!!
>>>> My Response
A.- this might sound strange with all that I talk about around NOT being needy and demanding.
But yours is a difference case.
You need to be more selfish.
You are “worthy”, and for the love you give, you deserve a man who is ready and willing to share the same in return.
You should never be afraid to want what you want in your life.
And that’s doubly true when it comes to your love life.
The fact that you want a close and loving relationship that consists of a longer-term commitment and marriage is great.
You deserve what you want, and you are in NO WAY a “needy” woman for wanting that.
So don’t confuse your dreams and desires with being needy or demanding – even if men try and tell you differently.
Life is way too short to not follow your heart (and be with a man who doesn’t fully meet you and share the love you’re capable of).
But wanting something, and HOW YOU GO ABOUT IT, are two different things.
Do not forget this – it’s important!
Before you try and talk more to the man in your life about marriage, there’s something you need to address first.
You need to feel more comfortable with the fact that it’s ok for you to have marriage as a priority.
Because when you have that funny feeling in your stomach that your man is going to somehow “punish” you or withdraw just because you talk about what your dreams and your vision of love is, it’s almost impossible for what you want to come out in a way that’s calm, centered, and helps you create what you want with him.
When you’re freaked out at the thought of what might go wrong by talking to him about it, and you’re imagining all the bad things that might happen, you’ve already created distance between you and him, and you’re sure to get a bad reaction from him.
Here’s a little secret –
The more comfortable and confident YOU FEEL about yourself, your life, and asking for what you want, the more comfortable other people (your man) are going to be with hearing from you.
And the more likely you are to start getting what you want.
But when you’re already wound up in your head and nervous, guilty, upset or anxious about talking to your man about something, the entire CONTEXT of your conversation becomes something that feels heavy and negative.
And there’s no more certain way to have a man shut down emotionally than coming to him and starting a conversation with a flood of your own frustrations and fears –
When what you really want is for him to see you, see your love, and begin to imagine with you all the amazing things that are possible in your future.
So what are you showing him?
Let me ask you something important –
How honest are you being?
How honest are you with him, and how honest are you being with yourself?
To have your relationship grow, you need to be more honest about what it is that you’re feeling, and what it is that you really want.
Otherwise, there’s no hope for your relationship to grow – because you aren’t putting more of your true self and your heart into it.
Of course, this requires you to be VULNERABLE.
Vulnerable to be truly honest.
Vulnerable to show him who you really are, and what you really want.
And vulnerable enough to risk hearing “No” if the truth of your relationship is that marriage isn’t in the cards with this man.
Are you clear enough about what marriage is to you and why you want it that you’re ready to tell him that you want marriage, and risk hearing “No” if that’s his truth?
You have a choice here –
You can keep wanting marriage, and try indirect ways of getting him to want it with you (translation – play games).
Or you can take a long hard look at your life, your relationship, and what it is you really want and be brave enough talk about it and to go after it – even if it hurts a bit more in the short run.
Remember, you can’t make a man want marriage-but you sure can make a man really want YOU.
And if marriage is something you are clear and comfortable with wanting, and you let your man know that to be with you he has to start to be clear about wanting it with you, then things are going to start going your way.
But remember, once you share what YOU WANT, don’t make the mistake of trying to CONVINCE your man to want what you want, or blame or hurt him when he tells you he doesn’t want exactly what you say you want.
Pleading, convincing or demanding NEVER works with men.
Instead, once you start being clear and honest, you need to lead your relationship to the next level with the things that have the power to take your man there with you-
And those things are CONNECTION and ATTRACTION.
A man doesn’t just commit to a woman and marriage because it makes sense, or it’s the right thing to do and she wants him to.
(At least not in good, happy, healthy marriages that last!)
A man commits to a woman because he feels such a deep and INTENSE level of ATTRACTION for her that he can’t imagine feeling the same way with any other woman.
And he’s ready and willing to commit his life and his love to you because he doesn’t ever want to lose you and the incredible way you make him feel when he’s around you.
For my very best tips and secrets about what makes a man feel that magic emotion called ATTRACTION that’s deeper than just the casual everyday Physical Attraction a man can feel for any good looking woman…
Go check out my “Natural & Lasting Attraction” program. It shows you exactly what you need to know to drive your man wild thinking about you and needing to be with you, both in his head and his heart.
Try this program and build that connection and attraction that will have your man begging you to be with him, and only him, forever.
Oh, and attraction isn’t the only thing that matters.
But it’s often the most important thing if a man isn’t taking things to the next level with you.
Do some soul searching and find a way to get comfortable wanting what you want.
Then you need to find a way to share what you want in a loving and honest way with your man – more of a statement of what YOU WANT and not what you expect or demand from him.
Demands and entitlements don’t work with men, and they don’t work with LOVE.
In the meantime, here’s what’s equally as important –
Don’t forget to live a great life with him and build and share all kinds of intense and amazing love and attraction in the meantime.
If you do, then I know he won’t be able to think of anything else than being with you, and only you.
And let me know how it goes.
>>>>Letter From A Reader
Okay, so I’ve read the book and now I want to know specifics:
I’m most definitely a “cool girl” as you describe. A pretty damn cool girl I might say so myself. Grew up with lots of close guy friends, don’t have a problem attracting men or getting them to want to initialy be with me, but…. and here’s the problem- once I get emotionally involved with a man, I turn into a not-cool girl. And I feel myself start to act like the women I always talk about in my mind who my guy friends date who are clingy and needy and all the stuff I hate to be.
So I’ve been casually dating a guy for about 5 months now but we live in different cities, (I’m moving to his city next month). Recenlty on a visit, we had a small tiff (at least it was small in my mind) about how I wanted him to spend more “quality” time with me. Well after the conversation, I realized I was being slightly selfish (he had spent all day with me and I wanted more that night even though he had work to do) so I apologized and told him I was being selfish and he acted like everything was cool.
But mysteriously in the still of the night he confessed that he didn’t want us to be physically intimate anymore because that might lead to attachment and we weren’t in a “relationship”. And of course the next morning came the “relationship” talk and how he’s “not ready for a relationsihp” but he still wants us to “talk” or “casually date” or whatever.
This, coming from the same guy who two days before was talking about taking me to his hometown to meet family and laughing about us buying a house together in neighborhood with mutual friends. Needless to say I was surprised. And haven’t heard from him in about 4 days. So I’m wondering: do I start to date other men? Wait around for him to call? Call him and see what’s going on? (I’m not really excited about that one).
You may never actually read this email and I’ll have to figure the situation out on my own. (I’m leaning towards the date other men option). Or you may respond with something I really don’t want to hear. Either way, I figured contacting you is worth a try. My friends (male and female) all say he’s really into me, but I’m thinking they just don’t want to hurt my feelings and tell me the truth. Although, he was very concerned before I left about if we were “still cool” whatever that means….
I dig men so much and can’t stand them all at the same time….laugh. Well, if you get a chance, I’d like to hear your take.
Ok, so where does the “cool girl” or cool woman go when push comes to shove?
It’s easy to be grounded, centered, and present and aware when nothing is happening or at stake.
But being conscious and thoughtful and loving in these easy moments isn’t what really makes the difference.
It’s how you are when things push your buttons that make all the difference.
Here’s the truth.
I don’t know the man you’re with, and I won’t pretend to.
But I do know that:
A) Men can feel like things are great with a woman, and imagine all kinds of things about your life together.
Yet as soon as a man sees one of these “red flags” that come from a woman acting freaked out and insecure in a way that’s not in proportion with what’s happening in the moment, he will have a quick loss of confidence in you and what your relationship could be to him.
It makes him imagine that being closer to you and in a more committed relationship would only make his life more difficult, and that you’d constantly be unhappy and hard to please (a big no-no when it comes to men & commitment!)
B) Men can feel quickly reconnected and confident about you and your future together when you can stay present and share your feelings in a way that doesn’t make him feel to blame or like you’ll be hard to please and go off the deep end emotionally for what seems like no good reason to him.
You should know:
It’s ok to be you.
And it’s ok to have the feelings you have.
But it’s a huge ATTRACTION-KILLER when you let your own fears and insecurities start leading the way and cause you to grab at and demand things from the man you’re with.
Love, affection and attention feel much better when they come from a place of generosity and sharing.
WANTING from a place of fear, need, and worry feels VERY DIFFERENT to a man, and it is guaranteed to push him away and have him question wanting a more serious relationship with you if you do it often.
So where are you “giving” from, and what are you sharing?
Are you already upset with the man who’s in front of you for not already being all that YOU want him to be?
Or are you finding a way to have a REAL RELATIONSHIP with the REAL MAN in front of you who has his own set of wants, needs, feelings and desires?
Think about it.
I think you’ll find that you’re spending waaaay waaaay too much time in your own head worrying about the past and the future, instead of creating what it is that you want RIGHT NOW.
Building a life with a man isn’t about talking or worrying about the future.
Everything happens for a man in the here and now.
To break your own patterns of reacting to men and losing your composure or cool because of your own fears and worries about the past or future…
And to stop getting in your own way by letting your head do all the talking and worrying, while it drowns out your heart and all the great things you have to offer…
There’s a great tool I’ve put together that will quickly get you back in touch with that beautiful, loving, irresistible woman inside you who just hasn’t felt comfortable enough to show herself –
And that’s my “Ready For Love” program.
If you’re ready to peel away the layers of fear or past hurt that you know are keeping you from showing a man who you really are inside…
And instead you’re ready to start attracting the right man to you effortlessly from that amazing and magnetic place of love inside you that a man finds irresistible, then I STRONGLY RECOMMEND that you check out my “Ready For Love” program here:
It also helps to know how to talk to a man about love and COMMITMENT, instead of just becoming frustrated when you see that a man isn’t wanting the same thing you want.
Commitment is a process that works differently for men than it does for most women.
If you won’t know WHY a man would want to be with one woman and commit to a lasting long-term relationship, and you don’t know how to talk to a man without pushing his “fear of commitment” buttons…
Then it’s going to endlessly be a matter of pulling teeth just to try and get a man to pay attention to your relationship and your future together.
So don’t keep making the same mistakes that haven’t worked.
Go here for my very best tips on how to easily move from that “casual” place where you and a man love spending time together…
To having him BEG YOU for a commitment and exclusivity because he wants to be the only man in your life.
It’s all here on this special letter about what takes a man “From Casual To Committed”:
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.
P.S. If you haven’t tried any of my materials, my eBook is the best and easiest place to start.
It shows you exactly why men talk about and want what they call a “cool girl”, and what the tell-tale signs of one are to a man.
Men want and will only be deeply excited to commit to a woman they see as a “cool girl” or cool woman.
Otherwise, men will keep dragging their feet and avoid the subject of your relationship and your future for as long as they can.
You can download it right now free and read it before deciding if it’s for you.
Go here and download my eBook “Catch Him And Keep Him” right now: