I’m about to tell you something about love that tons of men are going to be angry at me for telling you…
I’ll be “letting the cat out of the bag” with what lots of men REALLY think and feel when it comes to lasting love and relationships.
And why they’re so often afraid of them, or just bad at being in one.
But let me ask you first-
Have you ever been in love?
I’m not talking about the “obsessive-psycho-can’t-stop-calling-him-jealous-of-his- girlfriend-think- you’re-getting-married-and-he-barely-knows-your-name” love.
Sorry, you’re on your own there…lol
There’s a term for this – a “bunny-boiler” like in that movie Fatal Attraction.
No, that’s NOT the love I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the kind of love where you and a man connect and feel for each other on such a deep level that it’s shared in all kinds of generous and intense ways.
And did you know there’s a secret to love?
A secret that can help a man get rid of his fears of commitment and turn around his inability to share his affection and deeper feelings with you?
Well, there is.
I’ll get to exactly what the secret is later in this email.
But think about this…
The reality is, most people have no real-world idea of how love is encouraged, begins, evolves, and sometimes fades away.
We just know how it makes us feel and that we really want it.
I might sound cynical, but I think that how most people react to the other person in their love life is more like an “emotional stop light” than anything else.
Stop. (red)
Slow down or speed up. (yellow)
Go. (green)
But our feelings, motivations and “inner-psychology” aren’t wired this way.
When it comes to love and its complex effect on our mind and body, there’s a whole lot more to it.
So using the behavioral and emotional equivalent of a stop light isn’t going to cut it when you’re looking to create a loving and lasting situation.
Here’s where I’m going with this…
If you take the time to learn about what love actually is to our minds and bodies, and more specifically how men perceive and experience love, then your odds of success (happiness and fulfillment) go WAY up.
So let’s get started.
THE MAGIC OF THE “HONEYMOON STAGE”
There are a few stages to love.
The first, and by far the favorite, is the honeymoon stage we all know about.
As I see it, the honeymoon stage is basically 50 to 100 times LESS important than any other stage because it’s where all relationships start and thrive.
But a majority of relationships start falling apart or end once the honeymoon is over.
For lots of couples, love starts out as an intense “can’t-be-apart-stay-up-all- night-talking-and-touching” experience.
When you’re in love, you probably think about the guy ALL the time and want to spend every possible moment with him.
And you and your guy share an intense connection.
The chemistry’s so thick you could cut it with a knife.
And the world, people, colors, smells… everything seems brighter.
The attraction level is unbelievable.
The honeymoon stage does some crazy things to your body too.
Here’s a few of the “Love symptoms” that come with these chemicals in the honeymoon stage:
- heightened awareness (your senses)
- reduced appetite
- increased heart rate
- increased energy level
- an increase in your sex drive
- feelings of euphoria (intense happiness)
Actually, I’m kinda feeling this way right now after my third cup of coffee here at Starbucks.
Anyways…
So that’s the first stage of love we all know about, want to be in and want to keep going.
It’s no wonder that the honeymoon stage is often the easy part.
But there’s a simple and unpleasant fact about the honeymoon stage…
If you don’t what’s going on with a man in each stage of love, and know what you’re doing and how he perceives it, all the great parts of the honeymoon stage won’t last forever.
WHAT MEN THINK ONCE THE HONEYMOON IS OVER
I get emails everyday from women wanting to know how they can “get back” to where things were when things started with a man.
They remember how things used to be and wonder why they can’t be that way now.
So they ask themselves…
“Why is he so distant?”
“Why doesn’t he share his feelings anymore?”
“Why don’t I feel close to him, and why am I not getting my emotional and other needs met like I used to?”
So why is this is so common to so many women?
I’ve recognized what a big part of it is.
CHANGE.
When things are good, or more to the point comfortable or predictable in our lives, we DON’T like the idea of change… at all.
In any relationship, after the initial attraction, mystery, intrigue, etc. passes and the honeymoon slows, guess what?
Things start to change inside a relationship.
Whether you like it, or not.
And both the man and the woman are responsible to know how to see it, think about it and deal with it.
And here’s where TONS of women run into a whole set of COUNTERPRODUCTIVE thoughts and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE behaviors.
They get caught up in an almost hopeless battle to try and prolong the honeymoon stage and the ease by which they could connect and share with the man.
Especially when they don’t see that the man is noticing or making the same effort they are.
This usually shows up with things like the following (tell me if any of these sound familiar?):
-Noticing that a man isn’t as attentive or affectionate anymore, so you pull back to see if he’ll notice and close the gap, but he doesn’t and so you withdraw, leaving nothing but distance between you two
-Trying to CONVINCE a man to FEEL some way or act some way he used to or you want him to, which of course doesn’t work because you can’t “logically” make someone FEEL an EMOTION, and it all ends up backfiring as he sees you as needy or “nagging” and pulls away more
-You start “trading” him for the normal caring things any couple should do for each other. You only act open or affectionate if he does something first. You only initiate things physically if he does something first, etc. The list goes on…
Recognize anything here?
Well, these unfortunately common behaviors actually work as a special high-grade form of “man-repellent” in a relationship.
When men sense the emotionally uneasy feeling these create, they most often do one thing with a woman…
WITHDRAW.
And they start their own weird emotional versions of the same kinds of destructive and distance-creating behaviors.
The truth is, every woman is going to go through situations that are going to make her want to react in these COUNTERPRODUCTIVE way.
But there’s a better way…
THE DANGEROUS SECRET OF MEN IN LOVE
So what comes after the honeymoon stage?
And how can a woman stay close and connected with a man so they both transition into the next stage together and enjoy it?
And why do so many relationships fall flat during this time?
The next stage in our emotional love cycle is what scientists have called the “bonding stage”.
This second set of feelings and experiences are the “settle-down-raise-a-family-spend-time- cuddling-watch-movies-together” ones.
They’re all about bonding, attachment, comfort and more long term stuff.
And, I’ve been thinking about one big important question that I know tons of women want to know about which relates to all this.
We all know that lots of men can have a hard time staying connected and close to a woman after the honeymoon.
When the intense physical attraction changes and things become more “emotionally involved”.
Lots of times they’ll become, distant, boring, dispassionate, lazy, or ever worse…
Unfaithful.
Yikes.
With all this going on, the question is…
*Once you have love, how do you make it last?
Here’s where I’m going tell you the secret that most women don’t know about men and love.
And it has to do with keeping things going strong once “the honeymoon stage” is over.
Men have a dark secret they won’t tell you about their views on love.
And for most men, they couldn’t even tell you if they wanted to, because they don’t even know it about themselves…
It’s also something that most women can’t understand about men.
I know you’ve wondered about it in the past and even said it to yourself.
Well, you were right.
Most men know about 1,000 times less than you do about real lasting love.
About communicating about love, experiencing it, sharing it, feeling it intensely, keeping it going… all of it.
And hey, maybe that wasn’t such a secret to you… but you’re finally hearing it from the horse’s mouth here. (a man)
Seriously though – we can be idiots when it comes to being open and close partners in long term relationships.
We don’t understand some of the things that seem natural, intuitive and obvious to most women.
And we often stop paying attention to the important aspects of a relationship, including consistent and communication, affection, honesty, you name it.
I see it all around me, and sometimes within myself too, as a man.
But the reality is that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Here’s the thing…
Some men weren’t brought up with a real clear idea of what else there is to love for them besides passion, sex, social status and maybe having a family.
Which leads me to another secret about men in love…
Deep down, men expect love to stay in the “honeymoon stage”.
Think about it.
For lots of men, the honeymoon stage IS the only part of love they’ve ever even thought about or identified as being something they really truly want.
I’m talking about the chemistry, the attention and the ATTRACTION here that so often drives men CRAZY and has them acting in ways they’d be embarassed for their guy friends to know about.
That’s why, for so many men, when the “honeymoon stuff” isn’t new anymore, they think love and passion have all but disappeared.
And the truth is, for lots of men, they don’t know what else love is about… so they start to think that maybe this really isn’t what they thought it was.
Men at this stage often say things like:
“I guess she’s NOT the one.”
Or…
“I love her, but I’m not IN LOVE with her anymore…”
Or…
“She’s not the person she used to be when we met, and that ‘spark’ is gone.”
A LOT of this can be chocked up to the fact that the man AND the woman aren’t feeling all the intense honeymoon “stuff” anymore.
And less mature, non-committal men don’t plain DON’T KNOW what is “supposed” to happen, and how it works as love moves into the bonding stage.
And they often end up making terrible or disappointing boyfriends or companions.
Scary, huh?
WHAT CREATES A LASTING CONNECTION WITH A MAN- BEYOND THE “HONEYMOON STAGE”
There’s something FASCINATING that I recognized a few years back as I was studying and observing behaviors inside relationships.
Some women actually had an EASY time in relationships with men, while other women NEVER did, no matter what they tried.
In other words…
Being close, committed, passionate, intimate- these were all relatively simple and almost effortless for some women to have in a relationship.
While other women had to fight, argue and STRUGGLE just to try and share the things they felt were “the basics” in any relationship.
Here’s the thing…
The women I knew who were the most successful at finding and creating what they wanted in their love lives with men all had a few KEY TRAITS or “habits” in common.
In other words, there are several specific actions and behaviors that these women do inside relationships that make a man FEEL close and deeply CONNECTED to them.
After studying these things that some women do, and others don’t with men, I’ve boiled them down to two basic “relationship skills”.
And these two things directly relate to whether a woman will have a strong, close and secure connection or “bond” with a man beyond the honeymoon stage…
Or if the man will start to question everything about the woman he’s with and their relationship, and close off.
1. THINKING AND COMMUNICATING WITH A MAN IN HIS “EMOTIONAL CONTEXT”
I learned something that works in every area of life by studying love and relationships.
People who are great with people and relationships tend communicate in a way that is targeted or aimed at the OTHER PERSONS point of view, experience, and level of understanding.
Translation for you = if you want to really connect with a man, then HIS LEVEL of “emotional awareness” becomes YOUR CONTEXT for conversations about love and relationships.
Otherwise, he’s not going to “get” or respond to anything you’re talking about.
And everything you say and do to try and get him to understand you, and make him feel or act differently, will BACKFIRE.
And he’ll become MORE DISTANT and LESS OPEN to communicating and understanding YOU.
And yeah, I get that a man SHOULD get most of this stuff that you probably already do about a love and a relationship if he’s in one with you-
But if he doesn’t… don’t make the FATAL MISTAKE tons of women make here by trying to CONVINCE him of what you know and feel to be what he needs to think and feel too.
Assume a man’s got no idea of where you’re coming from when you talk to him about something you’d like to be different in your relationship.
Let me teach you a trick I learned by watching women who are great at commmunicating with men in relationships…
An easy way to get in touch with his level of awareness and where he’s at is to ask him what he thinks about the relationships of the couples you both know.
You can learn a TON about how a man thinks about dating and relationships this way…
And learn how to approach him and communicate with him as a result.
2. EMOTIONAL “INVESTING” (NOT SPENDING)
A while back in my life, I started looking at relationships more like investments in people, instead of a way to get a pay-off for myself.
Investing usually means that you give up something big to get a little back consistently over time.
In other words, you don’t expect an immediate greater or equal return for what you’re putting in.
It’s become the Golden Rule I’ve learned with people and relationships that helps keep me happy and sane:
“You’ll always give more than you’ll get – but it doesn’t “cost” you anything to give… so keep giving without any immediate expectation.”
So yeah, I’m saying for you to be the person to make things happen.
Take the fate of your love life into your own hands. Be generous, take action, surprise him and be spontaneous instead of waiting for him to do it with you.
I know this can be tough and frustrating.
If you’re like most people, then you want someone to just “get you” and give you the kind of love and attention you crave.
But if you can separate what you want from what it takes to create it, you’ll find that doing these things will get you RESULTS. And you’ll see that doing the things THAT WORK can be like magic with a man…
If you know what they are.
If you learn to trigger the responses and feelings that make a man feel MORE than physical attraction, but a deeper more EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION, men can instantly become more open partners and lovers than they ever were before.
And here’s the best part…
These effects can LAST, if you know how to keep these interactions going.
There’s a way to share with a man that won’t frustrate you, leave you feeling unappreciated and left doing all the work.
It might seem like it sometimes, but you don’t have to “carry all the weight” in a relationship with a man just to be close and loving.
In fact, this is a HUGE MISTAKE tons of women can’t keep themselves from making.
But if you want things to be different and easier in the LONG TERM, then you’re going to have to learn what to do, and when to do it when it comes to men and dating.
The BEST way to figure this out is to start understanding and identifying the signals and behaviors men send out. Reading these signals, and knowing exactly what to expect in each critical situation from first date to a real commitment, can let you grow together from stage to stage smoothly, and without conflict or the insecurity of uncertainty.
My eBook, “Catch Him And Keep Him” talks about how men act in each one of the different stages of dating and relationships, and what their behavior means at each critical moment.
It will give you REAL WORLD insights into what men think and feel, and what you can and need to expect, in the following areas:
* First dates
* Sharing deeper emotions and feelings
* Getting physical or intimate
* Having “the talk”
* Working out relationship “issues”
* Creating a spoken and lasting commitment
You can learn to spot the “silent” or indirect signals men send out about what they’re thinking and what they’re really looking for.
You might not see it now, but a man wants you to understand these signals and “get” him.
Especially if you’re going to have a serious relationship that LASTS.
But you can only do this IF you know what to look for.
If you want to learn more about how to keep the powerful and emotionally addictive feelings of the honeymoon stage going after the honeymoon is over, and how to turn that into a lasting connection and relationship- then check out my ebook.
There’s an entire section on the “psychology of men” when it comes to attraction, and how and why a man will commit to a long term relationship, or NOT.
After looking through literally thousands of books and research on the subject, I feel confident that my eBook is the worlds best “REAL WORLD” reference and guide to understanding men and dating.
It will show you EXACTLY how to meet and attract a great guy, what to do and not do, and teach you step by step how to create a foundation for a relationship with a man that will be fulfilling and LAST.
If you learned just ONE thing that got you on your way to creating a happier and more love-filled relationship, wouldn’t it be worth looking at?
I’d say so.
In fact, I’m so sure that my ebook will DRAMATICALLY IMPROVE the quality of your love life, here’s what I’m going to do…
I’m going to let you check out my eBook FREE for 7 days. Read it, think about it, use it, try it out, and dig into each and every section and exercise.
Then… once you’ve been through it to see if it really works for you, decide if you want to keep it.
If not, just let me know and you won’t be charged for anything. Period. No questions asked.
You literally have nothing to lose here- And EVERYTHING in love and connection to gain.
I’m 100% confident that you’re going to love my ebook and want to tell your friends all about it – just like the literally thousands of women who have already downloaded and read my book have.
Check out the details and download your free trial:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
And I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
That was, fairly interesting.
wow …..Thanks I feel this was written for me …. Timing is right I must do my homework
Thx Christian But how easy is it long distance
I’ll give you girls three BIG hints about girls to help you out:
1. We are MUCH less perceptive. You need to be a lot less subtle using body language for us to “get” watch you’re trying to convey.
2. When it comes to relationships, most of us are simpletons. We tend not to look deeper into things that you say, do or wear. If you want to to communicate something the chances are you’ll need to say it directly but timing and use of language is still important though. We can scare easily when the “L” word is mentioned for the first time because the “L” word implies the “C” word (commitment). Easing slowly into it works better so our hormones have time to go from “Honeymoon mode” to “Relationship mode”. I’m not sure how it is with women but with men it isn’t overnight.
4. If things change after the “Honeymoon period” and you break up, don’t take it the wrong way. We probably wouldn’t have approached you in the first place unless you were attractive in some way. Most of the time when this happens it’s not that they don’t want a long-term with you, they just don’t want a long-term relationship. Otherwise it’s something you that makes him (but not necessarily not all of us) crazy (axe murderer crazy not crazy in love crazy) in which case it is better that you move on and not have made each other’s lives miserable.
And Anna, you’d probably need to be well into the relationship stage (as in thinking about getting engaged) for it to work long distance because when we cannot touch you it’s difficult to stay emotionally connected despite phones and webcams. I regret to admit it, but when you’re lonely you’re lonely no matter how much you love someone. Then it becomes a test of willpower and that love so the bond needs to be strong.
Oops I didn’t mean to write so much but there it is. I don’t know what’s in the book but if you still have issues you should probably get it.
Nice article. It’s curious to see how women have pretty much the same problems we have, most of them don’t understand our way of thinking. Most men fail to understand the female way of thinking too.
I would absolutely recommend you women to invest time to master your comprehension of the opposite sex, the way we think, we feel, how we show our emotional state, etc. Also, I think it’s very important that you improve as a person too, you should never stop that journey of self-realization.
Also, I’d like to tell you that you’re not alone, there’s an increasing number of men doing the same, improving themselves and their understanding of the female mind. If you find one of us, ask him about it, and walk together that journey to find real love and happiness.
Finally, I’ll give you a quote: “what you’re looking for is already in yourself”. Don’t try to understand it now, probably you won’t. But, with time, you’ll realize the big truth hidden in it.
Enjoy life!
God….your analysis is overly complicated…..men’s bonding with women comes down to proving sex and food and nuturing children……it’s not complicated…….women seem to forget about this and how simple it is…….
Thanks Jose, a great quote. I have just come through a year of dealing with a man that was hurt. That is after I had dealt with the fact that my husband died in 2005. I thought that I could offer honesty and truth, but other peoples lives, relationships and journey’s will always be complicated. I don’t give up hope that my journey will be interesting and I hope that by reading some of the very wise words I see on the internet that I can work with the emotions as opposed to against them. To TA Winslow, I would not say that it is simple but never accept mediocrity.
This was absolutely cumbersome to read. I think in an effort to make it more interesting and engaging it somehow became more difficult to read. There is nothing new here. The simpler the better.
I WAS HOPING TO FINALLY GET AN EXPLANATION THAT MAKES SENSE AND I COULD PROCESS, BUT READING THIS HAS MADE ME FORGET ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I HAD TO FOCUS SO MUCH ON WHAT THE H– YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.ALL THIS WAS /WAS THE SAME THING WRITTEN OVER AND OVER AND IN DIFFERENT WAYS.VERY CONFUSING! THERE WAS NOTHING HERE THAT I OR ANYONE HASN’T HEARD OR THOUGHT OF ON THEIR OWN, SO YOUR INTENTIONS MAY HAVE BEEN GOOD, BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO FIND A MUCH BETTER WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF AND FIND SOMETHING THAT ISN’T COMMON SENSE. NICE TRY.
Poorly written with no credibility
i liked the article. i thought it informational, and maybe just a reminder for our busy daily lives. GOOD communication is key to any relationship. to the person who said, sex, food, and children are mens bonding with women, well, you are right to an extent. so, each their own, hope your relationships work.
God this stuff is so badly written, its a mess; he starts a point and then veers off on a tangent and three paragraphs later, you’re thinking what was the point again? “I’m going to tell you something but first let me ask you this have you ever noticed..here’s where I’m going with this” For pitys sake, get to the flippin point!! Talk about spinning it out! It could be condensed into less than half the space and be far more intelligible. Basically, this article can be summed up as the following advice; ladies, men like the honeymoon phase and get all bent out of shape when its starts to fade, so keep working at it and learn how to keep 10 plates spinning in the air at once and then maybe he’ll love you for it.. oh and by the way, my book is wonderful so buy it!” By the way, the book is as infuriating to read as this stuff and is about 6 times longer than it needs to be. This “advice guru” is all about the money..
Owl 15, February 2008
I agree ,this is not really a good artical. Men are human and although the paths of communication are very hard to cross sometimes does not mean that as women we should try an jump through hoops to keep him. I think we just need to realize that the whole relationship started because there was some mutual attraction.The fact that it has changed does not mean danger, it simply means that this is the part where you or maybe just him take a step back,(take a breath, regroup). I believe in this stage of the relationship this is where you , I , him ; should try and regain ourselves. What I mean is do the things that make us feel good about oursleves.Good out to breakfast w/ friends or alone. Blast your favorite song on your stereo and sing(pi@!* your neighbors off) Get back to you. You can’t expect a man to give you everything your mind ,spirit and body needs. You can’t expect anyone to do that ,it’s impossible!The days are filled with so many different obsticles and decissions that one can become overwhelmed with the constant thought that I have to be romantic ,even though I lost the promotion at work today etc. We all have issues that can be useful or harmful in relationships and if we use the knowlegde to better ourselves within the relationship that is half the battle.I am a true believer in if you love something let it go if it comes back it was meant to be if it dosn’t then it wasn’t.
Didn’t get much from the article. I agree with TA Winslow. The key to keeping a man happy for life is keeping it simple and focusing on three simple things: 1) Good sex (and often), 2) good food, and 3) good provider (for the family…read: good mother). It really is that simple. I have a wife that is good at the latter two but not so much on the 1st, and I don’t feel like I can communicate that to her without causing a big argument that leads to nowhere…and she is so busy doing the third thing that she doesn’t have time for me any more apparently. Oh well, maybe my next wife will figure it out! All of my buddies that are content in their marriages have all three above provided for…it’s too bad that the ladies tend to let the 1st fall out of their priorities once marriage with kids happens. I’ve been married now for 10 years and I’m doing my best to tolerate the lack of #1, but there’s only so much depravation a man can go through before he throws in the towel…rosie palmers getting old.
Why should a woman buy a book now, on how to read a mans mind? Not to mention every man is different!!!! Now I recall men always telling us women to speak our minds because you cant read a womans mind. So why dont you do the same for us and we both will be happy. ;-)
Plus why does always a woman have to do everything??? A relationship is a two way street. If a man withdraw, me as a woman, I let him do so because obviously it doesnt mean anything to him so why should it matter to me. And no!!! I will not shed a tear about him because there are men in the world who can speak up and work on a relationship. Stand up for yourself like a man with pride, dignity and strength and you will be fine trust me. This money that a woman would spend on this book could be spend on a nice dinner together and talk it out. You would be surprised how much magic that would do ;-)
Hummm .. so this is about selling a book I see …. too complicated an article ….
Well, from a man that is no longer in his long term relationship, here is what I think;
1- When the honeymoon is over, what is left over has to be stimulating. It needs to be fun, positive and engaging.
2- Your relationship with your best mate needs to come first. The rest of life after. If you do that, you will likely get the same.
3- As you get older, your clothes, your hair, how you see life and the future does not need to take a drastic turn to look good or be happy or impress or fit whatever image someone or others are thinking of you, your relationship or your culture.
If you can survive 1, 2 and 3, how you look 10,20,30 years later will not matter if your keep smiling.
This is the best article I’ve read. I was so heartbroken and devistated after my childs father left me but I see the mistakes that I’ve made. Christian thank you so much for writing this. I will learn from it and in my future relationships I will you the tools you gave me.
To A.C.E. on Feb 22, when a woman keeps a house, kids, and all the in-between, she can’t go to freak mode by 9pm and get your kicks off. You ought to help her around the house and with the kids so she’ll be more into you. That was the fault of my first husband – got tired of doing it all with no help. I was always exhausted. So, if you want sex and more of it, how about helping her more! God knows she could use it and would appreciate it!! You had the kids with her, help her raise them. How about at the end of the day, you draw her a warm bath???!!!
A quote from the above article:
“2. EMOTIONAL “INVESTING” (NOT SPENDING)
A while back in my life, I started looking at relationships more like investments in people, instead of a way to get a pay-off for myself.
Investing usually means that you give up something big to get a little back consistently over time.
In other words, you don’t expect an immediate greater or equal return for what you’re putting in…
“You’ll always give more than you’ll get – but it doesn’t “cost” you anything to give… so keep giving without any immediate expectation.”
So yeah, I’m saying for you to be the person to make things happen.
Take the fate of your love life into your own hands. Be generous, take action, surprise him and be spontaneous instead of waiting for him to do it with you”
Now, at first i though WooHooo! this is what I am made for, showing & giving affection & love…until I remebered this is what drove him away (i think?….) Aren;t we women meant to hold back on showing too much affection? Im sure I read that in the last article here. nothing drives a guy away quicker than a woman showing her love/affection/feelings, as the chase is over. And how can I keep showing affection when he doesnt respond? I always thought i was too open & giving, and even I would find this false, laughably over the top & annoying?
really, I just dont know what to do? all the guides say “dont talk to guys about the relationship”, but then say you need to not be walked over????????????????????????????????????????????
Men think that all they want is (1) great sex; (2) good food; and (3) a competent household manager and mother for their children. When things start going South, in their marriages, they blame their wives lack of interest in great sex. And then they make their way to me. I have found one leading characteristic of all such men. The lack of great sex in their lives is fully 50% of their own making. Such men–when they hook up with a woman whose is 100% invested in making sure the sex is great — simply lack the tools and the drive necessary to keep great sex in their own lives.
It figures that it is a MAN writes to keep the honeymoon stage going, because of course we women love to give and do and fuss and romance our men ….and who most benefits the from that? DUh…………………
The point is, that we also need love, attention, and thoughtfullness; so if we think WE are to do all/most of the work and men are not to make the effort as well, who cares if you get him, if after you do, you are just not happy because he takes you for granted?
The book is long, drawn out, repetetive and yes, he wants your money so that again, women do the work and men take what we give and give minimally because after all, we gotta have a man, right???????………….NOT. Let them try to get us, because we OBVIOUSLY have a whole lot to offer!
It should be this easy: Be interested in each other. Love each other. Treat each other like you do your other friends, whether they are guy friends or gal friends. Get in touch with each other when you feel like it, because you are interested in something and you know they will be too, or surprised that you thought of them. Be best friends, first. The attraction should be there, but wait for things to develop long enough to see if you have enough in common to make it. Be thoughtful of each other. The sex is for your mutual pleasure. Don’t hurt each other in any way, emotionally, physically, ever. Consider that first, before any action, as to how it affects your partner. As the professor said in The Last Lecture, “I got married late in life because I waited until I finally found someone whose happiness meant more to me than my own happiness.” Wow. Cooking is great, but in lots of relationships, cooking is something both like to do and have in common. And the kids and family? Make sure you are hooked up with someone who wants the same end result you do. Otherwise, one will leave, eventually. Love and support each other as you grow. Hopefully you will find someone who grows in the same direction, not a conflicting one. That is the hardest part, frankly. With growth comes change, and sometimes the change is what ends it. Find someone who wants the same thing in the end, or who you think at least thinks like you do on the big things, and you’ll be happy, all your life. Heaven wants us all to be happy. Be happy. A relationship is what each of you makes it.
Sue,
Wonderful comments.
The last lecture was a touching presentation.
ok i read this because me and my man are at the stage of saving money for a nice house and been together 3 years. Are sex is wonderful just not every night anymore, i know a man is sex driving so I make this a personal priority. he says I’m to horny to often, explain that. I gave him an inch and he took a mile so to speak. I didn’t fuss at him for two nights out of the week going out GUYS NIGHT OUT. But then he added a night which seemed to carry over to the next week. Anyways he goes out with three guys that are either single or divored every friday sunday and monday night for drink specials. Lately some wed. and thurs when theres only one friend able to go and no drink specials. I stay up to 3 in the morning and still wow him with not skimpy outfits or a back massage and all because I’m insecure that him being out late around singles will cause him to cheat. so I keep the honeymoon stage going and meanwhile it is causing me 21 yrs old to have resentment toward him under the surface 29 years old. I feel he gets plenty of guy time and sex from me. The First two yrs I workout, tanned, brought sexy outfits and made wonderful meals. The last year I’ve felt tired and getting up early for work and waiting up all night for him isn’t cutting it anymore. I clean and work and make love like a porn star and he kisses me most nights good bye and leaves me lonely. I don’t mind 1 guy night out because it gives me time to take bubble bath or exercise but three to five makes me feel so ugly and worthless and unappreciated. The men at work flirt with me and tell me to leave him. I wonder if the girls he is around do the same. I also used to watch porn with him and now I avoid this. He is the one wanting me to work so make for a house. My question is are we progessing or is he using my extra work to enjoy for the time being? I want to know if there is a way for him too cut back on the nights out and me lay off trying to wow him all the time. Is he going out because he thinks i’m not worth spending time with even though he has watched every panther game with me, even to the point of calling my work and telling them I sick so me and him could watch the game? I feel some days we are prefect for each other and other days i feel like I’m going way over board to please him and very scared he will leave me for some 18 yr old at the bar. We spend time together and have invested vehicles so would this be a sign of a good future or is this him using me and the sign actually be the late night means its over. Sorry about the sloopy Grammer just want answers please and in a hurry.
Whoa,Girl, slow down! You are doing waaaay TOO MUCH for this guy, and it’s pushing him away big time. This will lead nowhere fast if don’t do an about face immediately:
For starters, DO NOT be waiting up for him to come home, much less waiting in skimpy clothes to have sex with him. In fact, if you can manage it, don’t be there at all! Let him wonder about where YOU are for a change. From now on, when he goes out, YOU go out! When he wants to spend time with you, MAKE OTHER PLANS! He’ll get the message and shape up fast, or you’ll split up fast. Either that or he’ll slowly fade away. Better a blow out than a slow leak!
Ok, I’m writing because something just happened to me that has really confused me. I went on a date with a guy and everything went great. The conversation was easy and we had a great time. He ended up staying over and the next morning we hung around for a couple of hours and ate breakfast and I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was gone. Just like that. I’m not sure what went wrong. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hey
what do you think of a guy, after being maried for 4 yrs, and working away from each other out of town for one yr. makes excuses when I call him as to why he cannot talk, and seems cold. when he calls it is ok. then desires change in the bedroom, like needing it a certain way cause his back and shoulders hurt to bad. so he needs a*** stimulation to complete the job.. now it has been 3 more years. together now. after taking a trip to NY. for a grandmas funeral, and lying about seeing an old buddy, now wants to just have a relationship without sex. Got any ideas other than what I already think? I have a good imagination. Is he maybe Bi? or thinking of guys?
Christian,
I think you have some great advice but I find having to wade through all the words a little too time consuming. Remember, it’s not length that counts. If you can make your blogs a bit more concise that would be awsome.
Thank you,
Breanna