I’ve noticed something fascinating that happens this PARTICULAR time of year to “good” relationships.
Especially in relationships where the couple has been dating for several months or a year or longer and they’re getting along and have a great connection.
The holidays roll around and a lot of women begin to wonder if their guy is finally going to either pop the question, buy them a ring or make more of a long-term commitment.
To top it off, maybe your friends or family are giving you the impression that it’s something THEY think should happen, too.
All this wondering about whether or not the guy will commit can either lead to a great and happy surprise, or signal the
start of a lot of resentment, struggle or even a break-up
Before I explain, let me ask you-
Are you wondering if your man is finally going to pop the question or buy you a ring and make that last big commitment to you soon?
And if so, what is it about this particular time of year that brings this topic up for so many women?
I don’t have any scientific studies or statistics to quote to you, but I do have my own theories about why the holidays cast such a strong spotlight on commitment.
One is that a lot of single women spend the holidays visiting friends and family and listening to a lot of unsolicited advice about their love lives.
You know what I’m talking about, right?
How many times have you had to bite your tongue and be tactful when “Aunt Mae” or whomever starts asking you when you’re going to finally “settle down” and get married?
Sometimes even in front of your guy!
It’s a tricky question because even though you may not admit it openly, deep down, you’re probably wondering that very thing, too.
You wonder if he’s just content to keep dating you forever, with no “real” commitment on the horizon…
Or if you will have a real and solid future together – one that you can feel good about and plan for.
You wonder what it’s going to take to get him THINKING and PLANNING about your future together instead of just thinking about what’s on TV tonight or worrying about whether or not his team is going to the Super Bowl this year.
After all, you’ve been “serious” with him for a while now. You’ve been seeing each other exclusively, you’ve been saying “I love you” to each other and you plan vacations and trips together. You’ve even met each other’s families.
So shouldn’t a long-term commitment or proposal be the NEXT LOGICAL STEP?
If you’re “living it”, why not just make it official, right?
Actually, many men do think about it. It’s not unheard-of for a guy to think about a deeper commitment with his girlfriend around the holidays or other special occasions like birthdays.
I’ve personally known a few couples who got engaged on Christmas, or Valentine’s Day or whatever.
It does happen.
But does it happen JUST BECAUSE it’s a special time of year, or does it happen based on OTHER criteria?
On one hand, if a man is ready to commit to a woman, he may CHOOSE special occasions or times of the year to bring it up or pop the question. Those occasions, such as holidays or birthdays, are opportunities to give gifts that symbolize what the person means to you.
It’s all part of a man’s desire to make the woman he loves happy by making it SPECIAL.
If you’re expecting a ring or a deeper commitment from him this holiday, consider this:
It’s one thing to wonder and feel excited about the POSSIBILITIES of what might happen, without necessarily being attached to any particular course of events.
This kind of excited ANTICIPATION can actually add a lot of positive feelings to your relationship.
(This is especially true if you’ve been upfront and honest with him about how you see your relationship unfolding in the future… so there shouldn’t be any reason for misunderstandings or disappointment.)
It’s quite ANOTHER THING if you’re spending A LOT of time feeling worried and anxious about whether or not the holidays are going to pass by… without a ring or long-term commitment from your man.
This kind of anxiety can be a dangerous situation for your relationship because you can be SETTING YOURSELF UP for a big let-down if things don’t go EXACTLY as you hope…
Not to mention all that anxiety and worry can cause you to come off as seeming “on edge” and irritable, which can send the WRONG signal to the guy.
Holidays are stressful enough as it is… so adding to the stress by acting “on edge” can really freak him out and start to question your relationship… even MORE than any other time of year.
He might wonder if he’s done something wrong to make you feel that way… but if he feels like this discussion has come totally out of “left field” and is not understanding where he stands in the commitment process he may start to feel mistrustful or resentful of you.
And if you’re wondering if “dropping hints” or asking his friends or family for clues about “what he’s thinking” about a more permanent commitment is a good strategy… think again.
That will actually have the OPPOSITE EFFECT of what you’re hoping to achieve.
I hope you’re starting to see how easy it is to create a bunch of negative feelings and unrealistic expectations around your relationship when you didn’t intend to.
So why don’t you step back for a minute and let me help you get some perspective here?
Even though this time of year can be special for a lot of reasons and can be a great time to reconnect with family and friends, it doesn’t mean that something is necessarily going to CHANGE in your relationship.
This is because a man doesn’t commit to a woman JUST BECAUSE it’s a special time of year or because it’s been exactly so-many-months or years since you met.
Many guys aren’t even AWARE of exactly how much time you’ve been together… or what that means to you.
So the fact that it’s a holiday and you’re in a comfortable and connected relationship is no indication IN ITSELF that a man is going to want to commit to you.
For a man, a commitment on the level of a proposal or a ring is the culmination of SEVERAL THINGS that happen at a much, much deeper level.
It’s much deeper than feeling pressure from his friends or family who think he should “get serious” or “settle down.”
It’s much deeper than simply feeling like it’s the next logical step in his great relationship with you.
It’s much deeper than simply thinking, “The holidays are coming up, so wouldn’t it be nice if I surprised her with a ring this year?”
In a man’s mind, asking a woman to marry him or move in with him is an internal decision based on HOW HE FEELS when he’s with you, and how he pictures his life with you in the future.
Whatever happens once the holidays are over depends on whether your expectations were realistic or unrealistic.
How can you tell if your hopes for the relationship are realistic or just wishful thinking?
When your expectations are UNREALISTIC, a few things might happen, and usually in this order:
— You’ll start to listen for “clues” about how your man is feeling that either prove or disprove that he wants to take the “next step.” For example, if he asks you what kind of jewelry you like, you probably put a mental check-mark next to the “he wants a commitment” category. (Even though his question may have nothing to do with buying you “the ring.”)
— You’ll instantly dismiss or “forget” any conversation or comment where he seems to not be “in sync” with what you want in your future together. If what he says doesn’t fit with what you want, you choose to ignore it (consciously or subconsciously).
— You fantasize about where your relationship will be a year or two from now, but you haven’t actually had real discussions about it with him.
— You have already told your closest friends and family members that you “think” he’s going to propose soon, so the pressure is ON… in your mind and on HIM…
On the other hand, if you have realistic expectations based on HONESTY and good communication, chances are you won’t have to worry that you’re putting out bad “vibes” or misunderstanding each other.
Which means that getting a ring or a proposal will be a pleasant surprise instead of being a source of WORRY and TENSION all the time.
Here are a few other clues that tell you that you are carrying UNREALISTIC expectations of your relationship:
1. YOU ASSUME HE WANTS WHAT YOU WANT.
When the woman feels such an amazing connection with a man, she assumes that he wants the same things she does from the relationship. The assumptions – such as automatically getting a commitment because things are “going well” and you’ve been dating a year or two – become so strong and real that they become BELIEFS.
When you start to BELIEVE things NEED to happen a certain way, you’ll have a hard time even “accepting” if your relationship differs from the way you picture it in your mind. And then when/if it doesn’t happen, it becomes an even more monumental “blow” to your relationship.
Women would like to think that a man should be able to “read their mind” because of the connection they share. Guess what? No one is a mind-reader, no matter how in love they are.
2. YOU HAVE HIDDEN OR UNSPOKEN EXPECTATIONS.
Do you expect your relationship to progress in a certain way or have particular goals that you have NOT discussed or shared with your man?
You may be hoping that he’ll pop the question soon, but has the idea of a long-term, serious commitment even been a topic of discussion between you? If not, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re not talking to your man about what you want and need to be happy.
You may have put off talking to him about what you want simply because you’re afraid you’ll scare him off, or because you don’t know how to approach the subject.
This can create a disconnect between what you and the man expect out of the relationship, which leads to misunderstandings, fights, resentment and hurt feelings.
By the way, if you want to know how to START a conversation about commitment, and exactly what to say and how to say it, check out Chapter 8 (page 247) in my e-book, “Catch Him & Keep Him.”
I’ll explain why one particular kind of approach works BETTER for getting him to start thinking about committing to you WITHOUT pleading, arguing, drama or tension.
Check it out right now if you haven’t already:
Now, let’s look at the third mistake you may be making…
3. YOU’RE THINKING COMMITMENT TOO SOON.
Have you already committed yourself to your relationship – physically, emotionally and otherwise – without “checking in” to make sure the man is AS INVESTED as you are?
For example, you and your man have amazing chemistry and everything is always intense when you’re together – you always have deep and thoughtful conversations and the way you connect on a physical level is amazing. You assume things are “going somewhere” and you aren’t seeing anyone else… or even considering it for that matter.
Are you sure that he’s in the same place you are?
Does he think your relationship is headed toward serious, monogamous commitment and living together someday?
How do you know? Have you asked him? Or are you ASSUMING (re-read point #1) that he automatically wants what you want?
Sometimes women discover that their man wasn’t thinking of a future together in the same way they were.
In other words, he was enjoying the time he was spending with you, but wasn’t considering what it would be like to CREATE A LIFE TOGETHER or be exclusive.
You can imagine the conflict and hurt feelings that can develop when one or the other person finally OPENS UP and admits where their head and heart are really at… and it doesn’t match the other person’s experience.
… especially if you have been assuming these beliefs to be true for months…or EVEN YEARS.
Many women hold back from sharing their real feelings and desires because they’re unsure of what a man is thinking, or how best to have “the talk” with him.
When all these pent-up feelings come out, they create intense “drama” because of all the passive-aggressive feelings that develop between the man and woman.
And if there’s one thing men hate… it’s a bunch of DRAMA from a woman about the relationship.
That’s when you have situations like the holidays coming and going… and no ring… and you’re disappointed and mad.
You might find yourself saying things like,
“I thought this was going somewhere!”
“I’m not going to wait around forever, you know.”
And before you know it, there’s an awkwardness that develops, things feel strained, and he starts DOUBTING your relationship and his ability to make you happy.
Look, I’m not telling you this to discourage you from getting in touch with what you really NEED and WANT for your love life, and being able to share those thoughts with your man.
But I’d like to help you understand, from a man’s perspective, how to look at your relationship CLEARLY and with realistic
expectations based on what you BOTH want… instead of looking at it as something you “deserve” or that he “owes” you.
You with me here?
Now that you’ve figured out if your expectations are realistic or not, let me ask you another question, if you don’t mind.
Have you ever known a woman who didn’t have to spend one single minute worrying or wondering whether or not her man was going to commit to her?
It just happened… and she didn’t have to do anything out of the ordinary or have any kind of “heavy talk” with the man because he was the one begging HER for the commitment.
She didn’t worry about where things were headed. She didn’t have to threaten him that she would “move on” if he wasn’t on board with having a REAL RELATIONSHIP.
Don’t you wonder what special MINDSET OR QUALITY a woman like this has, because committed relationships and love come so easily and naturally for her?
It definitely takes a certain kind of woman to make a man feel like she’s the one and ONLY woman he wants to be with. Now, or in the future.
Would you like to know how to make your man feel this way about YOU?
The key factor that makes a man want to commit to a woman is whether he feels like he is BETTER OFF being in a committed relationship with her than being single.
He also needs to believe, without a doubt, that he is better off with her than ANY OTHER WOMAN.
If you can unlock a man’s deep desire for true love and deep connection, you can avoid hearing the other kinds of fake EXCUSES give when they’re not ready.
Excuses like he “needs to figure out his career first”, or “get his finances in order”, or “figure out where his life is headed” before he can settle down with you.
I hope that you’ll take the time to understand how commitment works for a man, so you can transition effortlessly
from an uncertain “casual” relationship to a more meaningful and long-lasting one.
That way, you can actually RELAX and enjoy the holidays without worrying about “will he or won’t he pop the question?”
You’ll know exactly where your relationship is headed, and you’ll feel a whole lot more SECURE about it.
I’ll talk to you again soon,
Best of luck in Life and Love,