Have you ever felt like you just weren’t able to talk to a man about anything “serious” or important in your relationship without things turning ugly or starting a fight?
It usually happens when big, important things are at stake – like the future of your relationship, or whether or not you can actually GET ALONG and be happy together.
Maybe it’s been your experience that discussing these kinds of things with a man only FREAKS HIM OUT or makes him angry and withdrawn.
What’s with men?
Are they completely immature and incapable of a real relationship and the ENTIRE reason why relationships fail?
Or do women share a bit of the responsibility too?
Good question.
If you’ve ever felt lonely, disconnected, or unappreciated because you didn’t have a “voice” inside your relationship with a man…
Or if a man didn’t ever “see” or “hear” you, even when you were being OBVIOUS and totally honest, thoughtful and direct, then you definitely want to read the rest of this e-mail.
WHY MEN ARE OFTEN “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE”…AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
One of the most common but destructive things men do in relationships is pull away or completely withdraw emotionally.
If you’ve ever had a guy stop talking to you or tell you outright that “he doesn’t want to talk about it right now” even when you’ve been DYING to resolve some bad feelings between the two of you, then you know what I’m talking about.
When a man pushes you away at the critical moment when you NEED to express yourself, it can create one of the most frustrating feelings you can have in a relationship.
Experiencing this for any length of time can feel like a slow “emotional death.”
Your creativity, energy, and passion all start to drain away and you get sucked down into some weird “funk.”
Give me a silent nod if you know what I’m talking about and you’ve experienced the negative effects of a man’s “emotional withdrawal” before.
Well, there’s something that lots of women don’t know about this that I want to share with you.
It’s that when it comes to this kind of moodiness and distance, or what I call “withdrawal”, most men don’t even know they’re doing it!
Not only don’t they know they’re doing it, they’re not even aware they’re doing something negative or destructive.
Ok, let me repeat that.
Some men just plain DON’T GET IT.
Now, why am I telling you this?
Because when a woman gets upset with a man when he sulks away and actually pays more attention to his favorite sports team, work, or whatever, she takes it PERSONALLY.
She actually believes the man is consciously doing something to ruin the relationship or to REJECT her.
Wrong.
The truth is that lots of men have no idea how important sharing feelings, emotions, and experiences are to a relationship…and they honestly don’t have much practice at it either.
A man meets a great woman who he has an amazing time with and feels close to…
But then she starts noticing that he has some emotional shortcomings that he doesn’t have too much awareness of, let alone any knowledge on how to fix them.
So she “punishes” him for those shortcomings by complaining or criticizing him for being “clueless.”
And the whole time he’s sitting there wondering what’s going on and what he’s done to make her feel so upset…
So here’s where I’m going with this…
Sometimes pulling away from a relationship temporarily or turning his focus on more unemotional matters is a man’s way of dealing with his negative feelings.
They are NOT a way to reject you, or make you feel unappreciated or unloved.
To illustrate my point, think about how many men you know who get together with their friends to talk about their feelings and analyze their relationships?
Exactly.
A lot of men actually value NOT SHARING things like feelings. They think it’s better not to “go into it” too much when it comes to what they’re experiencing.
Men who are this way often say or think things like:
“It’s better if we don’t talk about it…”
Or…”Why do you nag me about this stuff?!”
Sound familiar?
Ok, you’re probably thinking, this is all well and good, but what am I supposed to DO with a man who talks or acts this way?
Never talk to him about how I feel?
Or dump him and move on?
Ok, I can’t make that decision for you, but a man MUST BE willing to be part of the learning process that IS a relationship.
Translation – if he’s open to learning and growth in some way, then he’s not a lost cause.
So, how open to learning and growth is your guy?
And how open to learning and growth are you?
DEALING WITH AN UNAVAILABLE MAN
Since men aren’t going to magically change their biological make-up, personalities, or brain chemistry any time soon, I want to help you understand just HOW and WHY a man becomes distant…and what to do when this happens.
Here’s a healthy way to get back to an OPEN, loving place quickly:
STEP ONE: IDENTIFY HOW HE WITHDRAWS
The first step for a woman is to identify HOW the man withdraws.
Why?
So she can understand what’s going on when it happens, and not be caught off guard or get carried away with fear that he’s stopped loving her or is angry at her.
Below are a few of the ways men can withdraw and avoid emotional connection. See if you can identify with any of these:
- He doesn’t listen at all or dismisses what you’re saying because he’s distracted by or focused on something else.
- He gets defensive for no good reason. He turns the tables on what you’re saying and tells you you’re being too “emotional” or “dramatic” or something like that.
- He plays dumb. (And maybe he’s not even playing!)
- He immediately responds with irritation and frustration when you mention the distance between you, and tells you that you’re overreacting.
- He’s so wrapped up or stressed by his work or projects in his life that when you do spend time together, he’s still not really there with you. When you try to get him to open up or relax, he seems to get even MORE frustrated, telling you that you don’t “get it.”
- He tries to appease you by acting like he “gets” what you’re talking about, but he doesn’t really listen or take what you have to say to heart. It’s back to the same old guy behavior a few days or weeks later.
- He changes the subject or tunes out to avoid talking about it.
Ok. Now, any of these sound familiar?
You might even recognize several.
You might even have one or two of these that seem to happen over and over.
I want you to be aware that when a man behaves this way, he is trying to get some distance from how he’s feeling, and it has nothing to do with what he’s feeling about YOU. He’s not rejecting you or trying to squash you.
He just doesn’t know of any other way to “deal” with his feelings. So he withdraws.
STEP TWO: SEPARATE THE “REALITY” FROM THE “MEANING”
Now, there’s another reason for doing all this that relates just to YOU…
I want you to take out a piece of paper right now.
First write down, in detail, what the man you’re with now, or your ex, did when he withdrew or got distant from you.
Then, once you’ve done this, describe how the distance or withdrawal made you FEEL inside.
I’ll give you a minute.
Ok, now that you’ve got your thoughts down, I’m going to explain the second step to take to deal with distance and withdrawal.
Our minds have a pesky habit of taking something that’s happened to us in the past that made us feel bad, and assigning a kind of “meaning” to it every time it happens thereafter.
Let me give you an example…
You probably know people who are convinced that nothing good can ever happen to them because they have “terrible luck.”
Every time you talk to people like this, they just go on and on about all the “bad” things that have happened to them since the last time they talked to you. Everything they experience goes through that “terrible luck” filter in their mind.
Even when something GOOD happens to them! They find a way to see the negative in it.
I call this “Limiting Beliefs,” and we all have some version of this floating around our brains.
So what is the feeling you had when you think back to when a man withdrew from you? What kinds of thoughts came to mind about it?
What did that feeling REMIND YOU of from your past?
(Maybe it reminded you of what an ex-boyfriend did just before he broke up with you. Maybe it reminded you of how your friends rejected you when you were younger. Maybe it reminded you of the way you felt when a guy you had a huge crush on never called you back…or ridiculed you.)
Realize that the feelings you had, and the state you were in, were a result of YOUR OWN BELIEFS about what the man’s behavior meant, based on things that happened in your PAST (with other people who have nothing to do with THIS situation).
It’s not necessarily the REALITY of what was going on, or what the man was really intending. It’s not the reality of what is going on right here, right now, with THIS man in THIS particular instance.
So in other words, a man’s behavior DOES NOT have to mean what you THINK it means, and it doesn’t have to make you feel bad…because it may NOT have anything to do with you at all.
And chances are, it means NOTHING like what you THINK it means…when he withdraws.
Read that line above again. It’s important.
So, here’s the whole point. It SOUNDS simple, but it isn’t. It’s very powerful…
I want you to try and remain AWARE of the Limiting Belief that you have, that you have identified, so you can start to “un-link” the faulty judgments and reactions that these Limiting Beliefs make for you – subconsciously.
And, once you can do that automatically, you’ll “free up” your mind to make new, productive choices that will naturally bring a man closer to you and make him start connecting with you.
Choices like being compassionate, understanding, and CURIOUS about what he’s going through…instead of judgmental, critical or fearful.
THE CRITICAL “NEXT STEP” TOWARDS IMPROVING YOUR LOVE LIFE…FOR GOOD
We just did a quick exercise that can bring a lot of real, positive change to you and any relationship you have…including a relationship with a man.
But, that’s just the first step…the tip of the iceberg so to speak.
There’s a TON more where that came from, and that’s why I want you to take the next step.
KEEP LEARNING.
In my “Ready For Love” program, I go deep into explaining how FEARS and BELIEFS play a huge role in the way relationships play out.
I also take you through easy, specific exercises like the one above to help you identify those beliefs and actually work on dispelling them and transforming them into POSITIVE influences on your relationship.
After years of study and observation, I’ve found that there’s a very specific mindset, attitude, and belief system that women who naturally attract and keep men have…
And, that women who seem to have the same difficult, painful, or troubled relationships often have a DIFFERENT kind of mindset that actually gets in the way of their own happiness.
In my “Ready For Love” program I help you discover the ESSENTIAL relationship values that help create amazing and connected relationships…quickly and consistently.
I help you uncover the inner “stories” that you have about men and relationships and actually give you the techniques to overcome those negative stories so you can finally SHIFT your mindset to a more positive and healthy one.
It’s all right here:
The best part about my “Ready For Love” program is that you don’t need to be 100% sure you want to buy it right this minute.
I’ll let you order it and ship it to your door and let you try it FREE for 30 days before you decide if it’s for you or not.
It’s totally risk free, so if you’re at all curious, don’t worry, you can decide later if it’s really worth your time and investment:
And, if you’re serious about taking your awareness, skills, conscious and understanding when it comes to men, dating and relationships to the next level…
To where you start to KNOW, on a deep level, what’s going on with a man even when he can’t explain to you what he’s feeling or communicate with you…
And you’d like to start to have the confidence and CERTAINTY in your love life and relationship that comes from knowing what his behavior, his distant nature, or his reluctance to COMMIT…
Then it’s time you checked out my CD/DVD program “Natural and Lasting Attraction“.
If you’re a woman who’s spent much of your time thinking about what’s going on with men when it comes to relationships… then you might have noticed a strange contradiction in men:
It’s that ALL men have their own unique set of fears and their own kinds of “resistance” when it comes to being truly close and “emotionally connected” with a woman, no matter how great she is…
But most men ALSO have an intense unspoken desire to love and be loved and understood… to have an intense emotional and physical “bond” and to experience the feelings that come along with all of this.
(You know this is true by the way most men think and act at the BEGINNING of a relationship… but for some reason, things seem to change once you start to get closer.)
I’ve put together what is likely to be the world’s single best program on how to create what I call “Natural & Lasting Attraction” with a man.
In other words, the kind of attraction that will make a man feel deeply connected to you on a physical and emotional level – quickly and easily.
But more importantly, it will show you how to make this last in the long-term.
Don’t let what could be a great, loving, lasting relationship with a man fall apart where so many other couples don’t make it.
In my program, I start off with not only the underlying psychological and biological reasons why a man sees a woman as someone he has to be with… but I also share the real secrets why a man will resist or withdraw from being close on a personal and emotional level with a woman, even when things have been going well and only seem to be getting better.
The program is literally hours of real world theory, concepts, strategies and specific “How-To’s” laid out for you on either 4 DVD’s or 6 CD’s.
Go to the link below to see what women who have experienced the program have to say about it on camera and to learn about the AMAZING RESULTS the material can bring into your single life or your relationship.
Go check it out now:
Natural and Lasting Attraction
I’ll talk to you again soon… and best of luck in life and love!
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
P.S. If you haven’t read my eBook, “Catch Him & Keep Him” yet, I highly recommend you do so.
It’s the FOUNDATION of all my materials, whether it’s pertaining to attraction, emotional intelligence, when to get intimate with a man, what to say when you want him to commit, how to communicate…it’s all in there.
The best part is that you can check it out for free for a full 7 days before paying for it.
Thousands of women have already read and benefited from all the valuable advice contained in the book. You too can be reading it in minutes. It’s right here:
Wow, brilliant. it explains why my exboyfriend was such an as****hole.
Dear Christian,
You’ve mentioned how men withdraw or get distant which is absolutely true (glad I’m not the only one who’s suffering from that). But, you didn’t say how to deal with it? Say a man gets too defensive and withdraws or got in anger and hurted me. What am I supposed to do?
How can I deal w/ unemotionally available man in my life? Please let me know cause I’ve beem w/ him for 2 yrs./ we’re engaged!
Been living w/ him for 1yr. together.in our apt.
This is great, and so true (I learned it the hard way)
This is nonsense. Emotionally unavailable men are not and will never be good partners. The best way to deal with them is to break up and move on to someone who doesn’t have those issues. Simple.
I agree with the comment above. I’ve tried the route of being compassionate, patient and understanding with an emotionally unavailable man– sure he would do everything I asked him to but after 5 years it felt like I was dating a puppy.
If you’re going the distance with an emotionally immature man, just remember that you’ll ALWAYS have to keep asking, they will never ever anticipate your needs or concerns and getting them to show they care about you will always be like pulling teeth.
Also, notice that the writer of this article was careful to use qualifiers and say “most men”–meaning that there ARE men who are capable of sensitivity.
I understand the argument made about not comparing because of course, it is ridiculous to expect perfection and this will lead to constant criticism, however–don’t walk around with horse blinders either. Emotional unavailability is not something you can change in a person–all this writer is advocating is tolerance. I’m sorry but you can’t love someone into showing love to you if they just don’t know how to show it. The only ‘limiting belief’ here is convincing yourself you don’t deserve better.
PS, I found better :)
^Sarah speaks truth.
My boyfriend is slowly killing me with his emotionally unavaillibility he is so quick to just walk past me and not say a word when i try to hold his hand he holds it fo a second then pulls,away we can never talk bout amyfhing serious or emotional
…i feal soo unloved sometimes!!!
I dated one such man. Emotionally unavailable and he exerts a lot of passive aggressive behaviour on me. The best way to deal with it? Dump him and move on with your life. It is better to be a happy single than to be a sad partner to such a man.
I have lived with a man for 12 years who is like this. He has nearly destroyed me! I’ve learnt how to be strong now – after coming out of denial. I gave all the love I could give and now I’m completely drained. I just want to be well and happy and live – must look after myself now is the professional advice I’ve been given..
All women beware of men with mental illness or personality disorders! If they do acknowledge their problem and genuinely seek treatment, then maybe okay – depending, (Kim & Steve Cooper’s site – ‘the Love Safety Net’ can be very helpful) but otherwise you should seriously consider separating (safely) to protect yourself and family. Seek advice before leaving though as it can be a dangerous time… “To thine own self be true”!