Would you recognize a “good man” if you saw one?
Does it seem to you that you frequently meet and get into relationships with men you THOUGHT were going to be right for you, only to discover many months down the road that they’re not, and it causes you a lot of pain and frustration?
A man will often be on his “best behavior” the first 6 months when you’re first dating. It’s often hard to “see” him for who he really is when you’re experiencing a lot of attraction and chemistry.
This is why it’s CRUCIAL for you to figure out early on, before you get too involved, whether or not he’s MATURE ENOUGH to have a good relationship with a woman, and whether he’s ready to be the kind of man you need him to be for you.
In my “Inside The Mind Of A Man” program, I reveal the 3 greatest fears most men have about relationships that will put ALL his actions in a new perspective for you.
I’ll also show you the 7 deadly signs of an IMMATURE MAN and the 4 key areas of development men go through in their lives, so you can know from date #1 whether or not he’s really as “together” as you think he is. It’s right here:
Now, I’d like to answer a question that I hear all the time from women who are getting back out into the dating world after getting divorced or leaving a long-term relationship.
Maybe this is something you’ve been curious about, too.
You’ve met a man who’s over 40.
Let’s say he’s never been married.
He’s got a great career, is fairly successful, and has a lot going on in his life.
You find him very fascinating and attractive, and you think about how much you’d love to have a man like this in your life.
You date him a few times, and he seems like a great guy, but something feels a little “off” in the things he does and says (even though you tried to ignore it or deny it).
He seems a little defensive, a little reserved – specifically when it comes to letting you know how he feels or what he wants from a “relationship.”
He almost seems SCARED or turned off by the idea of anything long-term or “serious.”
He gives you the impression that he’s just into having fun, seeing you once in a while, but he’s not into anything more than that. He doesn’t say it directly, but you have a feeling this guy is just into playing the field.
There are the little clues.
He has dates with other “friends” and always seems to be busy every night of the week.
He never introduces you to his close friends or family, and when he does, you’re just “a friend.”
He likes to do things and hang out in places with a much younger crowd.
You really like this guy, but you know it’s probably hopeless. He is only interested in women to have fun with, and maybe even women much, much younger than you are.
And then there’s the man who WAS married before. Maybe he’s even got kids from his previous marriage or relationship.
He’s loving, responsible, and you sense that he could be a great long-term partner.
You have a great connection and you have a lot in common.
Then suddenly, (and particularly AFTER you’ve had an amazing and intimate time together) he pulls back a little.
He tells you he wants to “go slow” and “not rush into anything serious”, which is fine and you agree.
But then a little while later he completely withdraws and acts like he wants NOTHING to do with a serious relationship after all.
He acts very “into you” one minute, and very loving, then doesn’t call you for days, or acts distracted and distant. You’re confused and hurt, and you don’t know what to do next.
Maybe he gives you a “been-there-done-that” speech, or makes you feel like you’re the “clingy” one who wants so much more than he’s willing to offer.
He leads you to believe that he’s not interested in anything more than being a “good friend” because he’s done the marriage thing, and he’s not into that anymore.
You feel like he’s getting ahead of himself, so you try to let him know that you don’t mind taking it slow, but nothing helps.
You want to date a man who’s close to your age, but a man your age doesn’t seem to want anything real.
It’s like you can’t win!
Which leads you to ask yourself-
Do men over 40 just have more “baggage” when it comes to love and relationships?
Is it virtually impossible to meet a single or divorced man over 40 who wants to settle down with one woman, raise a family, have kids, and have a happy, committed relationship?
A lot of women write me and tell me that it’s their experience that men over 40 just aren’t available for a relationship anymore.
Either the men have been married and don’t want to marry again, or have never been married and don’t intend to in the future, or they’re just looking to have fun.
They seem to be carrying around a bunch of “baggage” from the past, and they’re afraid to have a committed relationship. They want to keep their “freedom.” Maybe they only want to date women half their age.
This is a fascinating phenomenon to me.
Not that men over 40 are being seen as having “baggage,” but that so many women are having this experience with these 40-plus year-old men.
What’s going on here?
And what can you do if you want to have a committed, long-term, quality relationship with a man over 40, but you keep having this negative experience?
I recently sat down with a very bright and insightful woman who is a relationship life coach for women, and I asked her this exact question.
I wanted to know what she had to say because she’s writing a book specifically for women to help them UNDERSTAND men better, as well as helping them select the RIGHT man for them.
Her name is Eve Sharon Hart, and she has a very interesting method for women to use to figure out if the man they’re interested in, dating, or married to is actually a GOOD GUY who is healthy for them and capable of making them happy…
Or, a total DRAIN on their emotional and psychological well being.
But first, here’s what Eve had to say when I asked her if she thought that men over 40 had more baggage:
“We all as human beings look at others according to what they can give us, or what we need from them.
If we push aside our own needs and look at the man as being simply human, we’ll realize we’re identical. We want love, but we’re afraid to take risks because we’ve been wounded.
We have all have baggage from relationships that have broken our heart, on some level. The more wounded we are, the more defensive we can become if we don’t heal those wounds.
If a man acts defensive and cold, and seems to be afraid of love or commitment, that COULD mean that he has all kinds of baggage from a prior relationship. He got hurt. He’s afraid of risking it all and getting hurt again.
If you look at his defenses, they look really annoying and harsh to you. What you may not realize is that you have your OWN set of harsh defenses that may not be as apparent to you.
Hey, don’t get the wrong idea.
You don’t want to get involved with a guy if he doesn’t want to get close to you. But you can have compassion for where he’s coming from.
If you look out there and you see all these men who want to run around and don’t want to be in a committed relationship, usually those men are afraid of falling in love and needing a woman.
It’s ironic, but statistics will show that when a man and a woman are in a long marriage together, and the woman dies, the man will die shortly thereafter.
It’s not true so much for women.
Whereas if the old man dies first, the woman is more resilient and goes on living for years thereafter.
Which shows that men are actually more vulnerable and more afraid to take a risk and be vulnerable and attached to a woman, because he literally fears that he might DIE without her!
If a man isn’t “ready” because he’s still dealing with the baggage from his past, it doesn’t mean that you should wait around for him to “get ready.”
But definitely have some understanding about WHY he’s afraid or why he’s resisting being in a committed relationship.”
. . .
I agree with what Eve had to say about men over 40.
In my experience, men over 40 -just like many women over 40 – have experienced a lot of disappointment and pain in their love lives. In trying to defend themselves against more of that pain, some men may appear to have a lot of “issues” and be callous and selfish.
As humans, we have different ways of dealing with things from our past.
But I also know, (as does Eve) that there are many, many men over 40 who would love nothing more than to find a great woman, commit to her, have kids or help raise a family, and experience true and lasting love in their life.
The key is to RECOGNIZE a great man when you meet one, so you don’t waste your time with a man who may not be “ready” or willing to have a real relationship with you.
Let me tell you something.
Sometimes when you’re feeling that initial attraction, connection and “chemistry,” it’s really difficult to make rational and objective observations about the guy you’re with.
I call this the “Danger of a Connection” and I talk about it in my eBook.
I also think it’s important to understand the stages of maturity men go through in their lives.
It’s not chronological.
You can meet a man who’s 25 years old and already very mature and ready for a loving, committed relationship where BOTH his needs and his partners are important to him.
Or, you can meet a man who’s 45 and still just a “boy” in a lot of ways that affect how he is in a relationship.
If you know what stage of maturity your man is in, you can understand better where he’s coming from and what you can – OR CAN’T DO – to change the way he is in a relationship.
If you’ve ever experienced these with a man:
> He comes on strong at first, but then disappears
> He changes his mind about you in a moment, for apparently no reason
> He talks about wanting to travel and “explore” the world and live an adventurous life (often without you in it)
> He’s controlling and inflexible at times
Then you’ve been experiencing certain symptoms of a man’s maturity level, from a “boy” all the way to a mature and self-possessed “King.” In my program, “Inside The Mind Of A Man”, I explain in detail everything you need to look for when you meet a man to know whether he’s still a self-involved “boy” or whether he’s a purposeful and focused “king.”
I also help you easily and quickly recognize his maturity level by listening to how he talks about sex, what he thinks of his job, and what he does in his spare time.
Why is all this important?
So that you can tell whether or not a man is potentially RIGHT for you early on. This way, you won’t waste many months or years trying to “change” him into something he’s not.
There are 3 profound truths about relationships:
1. The man you CHOOSE is the one you GET.
2. YOU are ultimately responsible for your own love life and selecting the right man
3. You can’t change a man, “make” a man become mature or help him work on his issues. He has to do that in his own way, based on his own internal motivations.
This is why I am going to make an important suggestion and help you by giving you powerful tools for choosing and understanding a man.
If you’re ready to learn what makes a GOOD MAN and what qualities and personality traits signal a mature, “together” man so that you don’t have to wonder if he’s going to be right for you for the long-term.
Then I recommend you let me send you a copy of my Inside The Mind Of A Man program.
You can try this program for yourself for a full month before I ask you to pay anything.
If you’re ready to stop meeting “boys,” jerks and players, and you want to finally be able to say “YES!” to the right man for a change, then you need to get Inside The Mind Of A Man CD or DVD program.
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.
P.S. You may not want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway.
If you truly understand men – and that includes how they think and feel in relationships, what their “issues” are, what they love about women and what they can’t run away from fast enough…
Then you wouldn’t be feeling frustrated or sitting around wondering “why did he say that?” or “why is he acting that way?”
It’s time for you to change your life and change the way you see and experience men and relationships.
Once you get “Inside The Mind Of A Man”, you’ll be amazed at how knowing the TRUTH about men and why they do what they do can be the difference between a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment, and a lifetime of disappointments.
Check out my total NO RISK offer and try this program free for 90 days:
No, it is not impossible to meet a “seriopus minded” man over 40 to date.
For the women out there, I can’t find a woman who is what she says she is initially. I hope to find the “next big thing” but have all but given-up.
Some clues for you. Here is what Men 35-45 are saying about Women they meet today:
1) She’s crazy. Passive-Agressive, Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder. If she’s been married and divorced, there’s a problem. If she’s never been married, there’s a HUGE problem.
2) Poor communicators. Selfish, immature, Passive Aggressive.
3) Women want to be treated equally. They want the same jobs as men and they want equal pay. But wait….Just wait until the check shows-up The women get “Alligator Arms” or “Become Astronomers”. I have personally ended relationships becuase I did not feel it should be necessary to spend $75-150 3x per week to entertain a lady.
4) Personal finances are in shambles.
5) Multiple marriages. Seriously ladies, after 2 or 3 or 4 marriages, should any man take you seriously when you say you want to find some one “special”?
6) The children always must come first. A lofty, admirable goal for sure. However, if you place your children first where does that leave the man that places “you” first? No parity. Will not work.
7) Women are a lot like men. many women say they want to find a decent, attractive, successful man to spend time with. In fact, they want to play the field just like men do. As one 48 single woman told me recently, “You just don’t understand that there is sooo much out there for middle-aged women now….” Call it the Cougar Movement. Blame it on Hollywood, Oprah, Dr Phil, “Sex In The City”, etc.
Every man who has been through a divorce and now finds himself in the dating world unexpectedly and against his will has learned for those two experiences: A woman of 2010 feels that her personal happiness and growth trumps everything else. Women are immature, selfish and demanding. Finding a reasonable woman to commit to now is virtually impossible.
Yep! I agree with Tom..
Perhaps you can change the places you frequent. I agree with you that a lot of women can be like that, but I think there are a lot as well who aren’t. Same for men. I am 42, divorced single and I think there are a lot of people, men and women who are good candidates and not psychos…But well, if I speak from experience, I have not found someone suitable for me yet and I do not date much. When I do, it is easy to meet people, but harder to find some one who is right for me. Better to go slow and develop good friendships and perhaps something will develop with the right person…
Tom, I came across you comment while looking for something else. I don’t know how you find these women but I can assure you that preconceived notions will get you nowhere. Not all girls are like the ones you describe. On the other hand, my experience with men was similar to what you write about. I got divorced at 35. ( Unlike the women you met, I was the one who was supporting my ex financially and paying the bills. Just got tired of this one day.) Since I have never been comfortable with single life, I started actively looking for a partner. I tried online dating services, interest clubs, friends matchmaking. Of course I had no experience dating and no idea about the jungle out there. Single men over 35 I met were: 1. Psychos and people with addiction issues. 2. Immature Peter Pans who decided to remain 14 year old forever. 3. Insanely cheap. Like the radiation oncologist who was making half a mil a year but insisted that we should buy everything from the Dollar Store. 4. Players who are out there hunting. These were actually quite primitive and easy to detect. 5. Guys who were afraid of/hated women but didn’t have the gut to resist the peer pressure and admit that they were better off alone. These are the worst because they don’t know what they want and can get you in a lot of awkward situations. To make it short, it took me 6 years to find the right guy but I am in a happy relationship now. So, don’t give up.
I feel bad for you Tom, seriously!! No one should have to go thru that. However, I think you may want to reconsider your “pickin ground”. Where are u meeting these type women? Why are you attracting these type women? Perhaps changing or being more selective in where you opt to make your draw may make a big difference in the end.
Certain atmospheres attract certain type of people; and so on. A bar for one, a club for another. You get what you pay for sometimes!
I personally know many nice, classy, single ladies and dating has become very scary in general for most ladies as well. I think we could contribute a lot of that to the desensitizing and deteriation of our society and culture. Our lack of etiquette, morals, values, infidelity, divorce rates, broken homes; and wounded families have resulted in alot of the learned behaviors and lack of self-esteem you mentioned earlier.
However Tom, don’t let anger and discouragement get the best of you! Make sure you don”t lower your standards, in fact , raise the bar and don’t give up. Make sure that you have something good to bring to the table, when you finally meet the “right girl”. Hang in there and don’t compromise, be patient–just use each scenario as a learning experience and move unto the next episode, without bitterness or resentment. Most of all, guard your heart, forgive and let go! Best wishes!!