I’d like to tell you a story…
It’s a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don’t be alarmed.
Once upon a time, there was a woman who was very attracted to a particular man.
At first, he was just another attractive man… but the more she got to know him, the more she began to feel attracted to him… and the more time she spent with him, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for him.
But there was one problem.
As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.
Because she couldn’t tell whether or not he felt the same way towards her.
Sometimes he would talk to her and say things that led her to believe that they shared a special connection, but nothing ever progressed past the “friendship” stage.
There was an occasional glance, an occasional email or call from him… and a few times, he even opened up about something personal or emotional, and invited her “inside” for a little while.
But something was wrong with the picture.
He just wasn’t acting like a man who was “falling in love”. He was acting like a friend, but at times, even more distant than a friend would be.
And things seemed to be hot and cold. Sometimes he would look at her and talk to her, and sometimes he would ignore her and close himself off.
The insecurity that she felt from all this, became a spiral that amplified itself… and the more insecure she became, the more afraid she grew of “screwing things up” or “scaring him off”, by starting conversations or asking him if he was interested in her and why he didn’t ask her out.
Plus, the more insecure she became, the less time he seemed to want to spend with her.
After spending days and nights obsessing over this guy, the woman finally arrived at the conclusion that if he only knew how SHE FELT, that he would feel the same way.
So she made a bold move.
She TOLD HIM how she felt.
She confessed her feelings and let him know that she wanted to be with him.
He responded by flirting with her and he spent some time alone with her, and they even kissed and held each other.
But soon after, he quickly withdrew, didn’t call her and wasn’t really “available” to her.
This only confused the woman more.
She didn’t know how to take it…
Did it mean that he really loved her too, but that he was afraid of something?
Did it mean that he wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship?
Did it mean that he didn’t love her, and that he was trying to give her a hint?
Did it mean that she hadn’t tried hard enough?
Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?
She finally decided that she couldn’t go on like this anymore… she had to be with him.
She had to make sure that he knew just how much she wanted to be with him… so she took a big step, bought him a symbolic gift and wrote him a letter… again confessing her feelings.
And then, something unthinkable happened.
Either he didn’t reply at all… (Ouch!)
Or he replied and she connected with him on an emotional and physical level for a brief time, but then he backed away.
Then she called him a couple of times, the following week before reaching him.
He made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I’ll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”… and hung up… but she never got a call back.
Over the following months, the woman tried desperately to understand what went wrong… and what happened.
OK, I’m back.
Now, wasn’t that a sweet story?
I know; I should keep my day job, and not take-up writing romance novels…
Now, let’s talk about that story.
That story is basically a MYTH.
But I’m not talking about FICTION here.
I’m talking about a story that rings true for lots of women. A story that is timeless. A story that resonates at a deep level, because you can IDENTIFY with it.
And why does this particular story resonate for some women?
Because lots of women have been there in one way or another… at one time or another… and many have been there OFTEN in their lives.
Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power, is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs… as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it brings back…
Stories and situations like this one, really FASCINATE me.
They fascinate me, because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent.
In this particular situation, I think there is a solution.
It lies in understanding a SECRET that lots of WOMEN DON’T GET.
That secret comes down to the reality that if a man isn’t ATTRACTED to a woman, all of her attempts to confess her love, convince him to like her and court her, BACKFIRE.
In other words, they not only DON’T WORK; they actually make things WORSE.
In other words, the very things that a woman does to try to make a man LIKE HER, make him NOT like her.
They make him run.
All of those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the woman feeling them, to do things that make the man go away.
But it’s a strangely common dynamic, that also takes place inside dating situations and new relationships without women (or men) really being aware of it, and understanding what’s going on.
And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens to you, that I’ll help you avoid this painful situation in your own future…
And maybe you can start to understand what’s going on a little better, if you think about what it’s like when a man you’re NOT attracted to, desperately wants your attention, affection and your time.
Have you ever had a guy pursue you?
As he’s trying to get your attention, approval and affection, all of his pleading and effort just seems to bug you more and make you want to get away.
Even if all he’s doing, is telling you great things about yourself and how he feels about you?
Strange and interesting…
Choices And The Paradox Of Attraction
I’m always fascinated by the idea that we humans don’t always understand the message that we’re communicating to others…
So often we think that because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we’re trying to say.
Have you ever seen a woman who dresses over-the-top sexy and wears way to much make-up?
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don’t think that her appearance is communicating the message to men that she thinks it is”…?
Yeah, I have too.
Well, here’s the deal:
If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” … but he isn’t open to the situation at that time, or he isn’t ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to backfire.
It’s going to trigger a feeling for the man, that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.
The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a man feels it, YOU’RE DONE.
It’s like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a man feels the “Instant Ewww”, he’ll start behaving differently.
In short, he’ll back off or even disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?
I got it from watching WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word “Ewww”, when describing how they felt about a guy that was “confessing his love”… and of course, these were guys that weren’t loved in return by the woman.
Men do the same kind of thing with a woman they’re not attracted to.
Often they try to be “nice” about it. They let the attention pump up their ego a bit, and then they create what is often an unconscious barrier in their mind, that closes off communication or contact with her.
And the resulting vacuum sound you hear, is what’s happening as any ATTRACTION and interest he might have felt, evaporates.
So what causes the “Instant Ewww”?
And why would a man feel it, towards a woman who was trying to be nice… a woman who was giving him attention, a gift or telling him how she feels?
Because if you think about it from HIS perspective, you’ll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you’ve created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, men know when they are getting some “special attention” from a woman.
And they usually know it from the beginning.
But now that you’ve started pursuing him and talking about how you feel, you’ve created a NEGATIVE TENSION that can be VERY uncomfortable.
You’ve triggered an emotion that can actually repel a man and make him even more detached from his emotions.
Here’s the thing…
You can’t “make a man like you” or “change how he feels about you”, by doing nice things for him.
Doing “nice” things for a man who isn’t attracted to you, HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling, that makes it so he’ll perhaps NEVER like you.
Men are the worst at this, by the way.
They make this mistake over and over again in life, because they’re doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They’re doing it, because they don’t have an understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend and you like them, and you want to make them like you more… and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.
On the other hand…
If you have a man that you “like” in a romantic way, and he doesn’t “feel it” for you, and you do something nice for him, because you want HIM to like you more, it will BACKFIRE… and he will not only NOT like you more, but he will most likely distance himself from you.
Women think that they need to communicate verbally when they like a man… as if that’s part of the necessary process of getting a guy.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like him>Tell him you like him>He likes you
Well, remember… if you follow this pattern, yourself, with men who aren’t already ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to BACKFIRE.
If he’s not into you, then it goes like THIS:
He thinks of you as a friend>You tell him you like him>He gets the “Instant Ewwws” and withdraws…
There are really TWO answers to this problem.
The first answer, is what to do if you’re in a situation where you like a particular guy, but you don’t know if he likes you back.
DON’T GET HEAVY WITH HIM.
Don’t buy him a big gift, do something nice to show him how much you think about him or write him a love letter…
Don’t send him a note to his work that says, “From your secret admirer”.
Don’t call him several times, without hearing from him.
And DON’T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for him.
If you want to know how he feels about you, do something to ATTRACT HIM and see how he reacts instead of telling him you love him and hearing the crickets chirp as you wait for his response.
As a rule of thumb, don’t get heavier than HIM. Use SIGNALS from him to find out how he feels… and if you don’t know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.
Asking a man if he’s interested in you in a romantic way, or if you are “his type”, will actually DESTROY the chances that his attraction and interest in you will grow.
The SECOND answer, is to not get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.
And how does one do that?
One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.
One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.
One does that by knowing what you’re doing FROM THE BEGINNING.
And what’s the best way to learn THAT skill?
I thought you’d never ask…
Well, I’ve written about attraction before and I’ll write about it again.
In my eBook, I talk about some of the very best ways to learn how to make man feel ATTRACTION for you.
But above and beyond the meeting and attracting men “stuff”, I also talk about how attraction, communication, psychology and emotions all play into the longer term “stuff” around dating, and creating a solid foundation for a future relationship.
In my eBook, I go deep inside the mind of a man to tell you the secrets and truths that lots of women will never know about.
The eBook is called “Catch Him And Keep Him”.
I’ve spent several years now, studying the ways that women (and men) who are “naturals”, communicate using their words, voice tone and body language.
The way they integrate all these, makes them MAGNETIC to be around. And you probably know what I’m talking about, if you know any women who seem “lucky in love”. Where everything involving men seems to come easily and effortlessly to them.
And I’ll tell you… it’s not magic.
You don’t have to be gorgeous or young.
And you don’t have to be LUCKY.
What you DO have to do is LEARN.
It’s a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY woman can learn it if she wants.
But you’re not likely to figure it out by “trial and error”. Many of the keys to making men feel ATTRACTION and want to be around you for the long-term aren’t “obvious”, at all.
In fact, many of them make no sense… and they’re the LAST thing you’d do in a particular situation, if you didn’t know the SECRETS.
For more about these secrets, go check out my eBook.
It’s jam-packed with insights, concepts, tips and secrets.
Go here to check it out:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Thanks and best of luck in life and love.
i love the advice….
what does he mean he says men are intimidated by beautiful woman that he is intimidated by my beauty? but he and I have been dating on, off for past 6 months..
he also says Im too intense I should chill what will be will be?. then he says I am such a beautiful person sometimes it’s hard to believe..
I came across this advertisement on a dating site that I joined to keep in touch with some friends. I think he is full of crap. Also when I keep un subscribing to his ” newsletter”he sends me more. When I go to the site to un subscribe it says I already exist, but still sends me letters. This has been going on for months. I write and send e-mails..still he sends me letters.
Women need to know their is no one answer for anyone person. He says things like” don’t get heavy with him” Don’t do this, or that…telling you to change your personality. A man should love you for what you TRULY are and not what you pretend to be…stupid really.
Perhaps asking on here and saying UN-SUBSCRIBE ME….
I have seen this advice cause a lot of misery for a beautiful female I know…
This guy’s advice is very basic. Good for people just starting out in the dating world. However, I absolutely hate his writing style. Writing one sentence per line, you have to scroll down a whole lot to put it all together and get the meaning. Also the fluff adds to the annoyance. It goes like this:
“are you ready?”
“i’m going to tell you now.”
“open your ears, because this is really important information.”
“are you sure you are ready? because i’m really about to tell you.”
“make sure you are listening, because you are going to miss it.”
“are you positive that you are ready? because here i go.”
“i’m going to tell you the big secret, really i am…”
“here it goes…”
“buy my e-book and you’ll find out.”
you are not patient person, i see it. maybe that is the number one reason why you need dating advice ?? in relationship is the most important patience.. if you do not have patience to read great advice from this man, than how will you have enough patience to wait for some things in realtionship??
fabulous tips and advise.. you write sooo well.. thx for this.. its def a fave.. well done!!
confusing….these tips are boring …do this ,dont do this… what u knoow i have seen girls who have got the guys they wanted by getting heavy with them
Christian carter is amazing!!..im always looking for good advice when it comes to boys and love..and christian carter helped me get a much clearier understanding of what men really think and feel..and its definately helped me in many ways!!
Rosina Mueller says
Please remove me from your list. I don’t need any more emails.
Why do you make it so difficult to unsubscribe?
How can you make a Relationship work when you’re in one state n he’s in another?
[email protected] says
what a crock of sh!7!
Here is a novel idea: say what you feel about someone. Either they return their feelings or not. If not, you’ve saved yourself a lot of headache in the long-term. If yes, then you are both happy.
End of story. No crap. No mind-games. No subscribing to shoddy newsletters. By making love into a game, you’re only screwing up yourself and other people.
I’m a guy .Don’t be hating the truth. It may be difficult to understand.The best way to attract a guy at first is to look attractive, physically fit and healthy.Want almost any guy? Lose the excess fat . You will be fighting them off with a stick.We are like scobby doo on steroids and you could be the scooby snack.Yes even a classy guy.We will work on the relationship later. If he doesn’t think your pretty through his eyes there is not much you can do.move on.
I’m a guy .Don’t be hating the truth. It may be difficult to understand.The best way to attract a guy at first is to look attractive, physically fit and healthy.Want almost any guy? Lose the excess fat and look better. You will be fighting them off with a stick.We are like scobby doo on steroids and you could be the scooby snack.Yes even a classy guy.We will work on the relationship later. If he doesn’t think your pretty through his eyes there is not much you can do.move on.
Hi, why my boyfriend sys Do u know how much u are Beautiful and i spend the most of time with you apart of any girl? and he cry when he drop me off ?and why he says i dating any other girl ?and after he laugh ?and what is this mean he says bring money at home bby ? what is mean when he says someone does care ? whats that mean he says i going to married in september and laugh?
Amethyst sharkey says
How can u get a man to like u? I’m only 11 years old and trying to impress a boy named tanner hill. He has red hair, blue eyes and I really love him. I’m not sure if he has the ewwwwwwww feeling, he’s only in grade seven. I LOVE TANNER HILL. There I said it. There’s nothing you can do about it.
Amethyst sharkey says
I’m looking on another website. This is all unuseful. U can make guys like you, it just takes time. After awhile, either he likes you or he doesn’t. Simple as that
Amethyst sharkey says
This is the most horrible crap I’ve ever read.
Amethyst sharkey says
My clock is 2 hours ahead. It sais 12:04 but it’s 10:04.
City girl says
I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t need. Some of us got left behind because we were left on our own with children whom we wanted, but didn’t set out to bring up alone. Men don’t like other people’s children so unless a woman is rich she won’t marry again (me neither), but all of us want to marry again. My children are adult children. I look fabulous. I studied again. I’ll always have a job (always have had), but now sadly my age is this big number. I’m not ready for men 10yrs older than me, but the men my age settle for 29 to 39. Internet dating is a beautiful thing and has provided 20 to 25 dates, I liked about 4 alot. One forgot to tell me he works in the Middle East, where he was returning the next day. Another forgot to tell me that he was 8yrs younger than me (or was that me not reading profiles again), the third one forgot to tell me that he had a ‘fuck buddy’ and that he was on medication for ‘black moods’. The last one I fancied was kind to me. He wasn’t rude and he didn’t do anything wrong. I just didn’t hear from him again. I left it there (obviously). We had a first date in a nice pub after work on Fri, and the 2nd date was a dinner the following weekend on the Sat night. Wow! But he didn’t hold my hand on our way to the car, and although he kissed me goodnight it was with closed lips. Oh dear! I wanted to snog him. I understand. He has ambivalent feelings about me and wants to go on dating. He was enough for me but I wasn’t enough for him.
I’m very neat, very tidy, and well groomed. I live and shop for clothes in a big city and I have enough money to look current. I have an athletic body and am thin. I blow dry my hair and wear minimal natural make-up. I don’t smoke and I ever only have one alcoholic drink (so not a boozer). I don’t tell jokes, don’t swear, don’t get loud, but am talkative enough. When I’m out I eat whatevers going and I enjoy a meal out wherever it is. My manners are good so no obvious outer clues. My friends were saying 2 nights ago that I’m single because it’s easier. However, I think it’s me. Iv’e been on my own so long that I don’t know how to be a good partner. I just don’t have the experience and I don’t give off the right clues. I’m tired of all the casual stuff. It doesn’t make me happy anymore. My needs have change. I’m trying to change my attitude etc along with it. Why can’t I catch up? My email and details are confidential please. Regards City Girl sharing.
Amethyst sharkey says
City girls awsome. I don’t know her, but moms been there before. Anyway, it’s me amethyst again, it’s 9 days since I wrote a message. I sent a note to tanner hill, saying that I love him yesterday. He read it to the whole lunch table he was sitting at and wrote a note to me saying that he’d NEVER like me, so give it up. I’ll never give it up, but I’m pretty discouraged. Any advice from anyone BUT Christian Carter?
Amethyst sharkey 11 says
The last comment, it’s amethyst sharkey, 11! Not 19!
Amethyst sharkey 11 says
Sorry it’s 19 as that’s the say. Um stupid.
wow!!!!!!!!!!! nice advice
i love a guy but he is my best friend and cant express my feelings towards him,,,,,,,,if i did the i am afraid to lose him what can i do,,, please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maryann Elder says
I am not able to get into my ebook. It has a password question and I am not getting it right could you please email me my number again.
AMETHYST SHARKEY NOW NOT TELLING AGE. says
amethyst sharkey is over tanner now. embarresment is gone and my feelings are alwaysed messed up. i still think that christian carter is an idiot about making guys like you, other than that, im awsome, popular, didnt take christian carters advice and 7 boys are in love with me. ha ha ha christian. your advise is not working. so THERE!!!!!
christian im new to this so forgive me if i mess up ok.im having big problems and i need your help on what to do im not in a relationship havent been in one for a while i mean a long time I cant help but to blame myself im lost I dont know what to do thay dont last long.Im confuesed.please help im always attracted to men i cant have. I want my own.
u can guess says
ok im not over tanner.