Now, I’d like to answer a question that I hear all the time from women who are getting back out into the dating world after getting divorced or leaving a long-term relationship.
Maybe this is something you’ve been curious about, too.
You’ve met a man who’s over 40.
Let’s say he’s never been married.
He’s got a great career, is fairly successful, and has a lot going on in his life.
You find him very fascinating and attractive, and you think about how much you’d love to have a man like this in your life.
You date him a few times, and he seems like a great guy, but something feels a little “off” in the things he does and says (even though you tried to ignore it or deny it).
He seems a little defensive, a little reserved – specifically when it comes to letting you know how he feels or what he wants from a “relationship.”
He almost seems SCARED or turned off by the idea of anything long-term or “serious.”
He gives you the impression that he’s just into having fun, seeing you once in a while, but he’s not into anything more than that. He doesn’t say it directly, but you have a feeling this guy is just into playing the field.
There are the little clues.
He has dates with other “friends” and always seems to be busy every night of the week.
He never introduces you to his close friends or family, and when he does, you’re just “a friend.”
He likes to do things and hang out in places with a much younger crowd.
You really like this guy, but you know it’s probably hopeless. He is only interested in women to have fun with, and maybe even women much, much younger than you are.
And then there’s the man who WAS married before. Maybe he’s even got kids from his previous marriage or relationship.
He’s loving, responsible, and you sense that he could be a great long-term partner.
You have a great connection and you have a lot in common.
Then suddenly, (and particularly AFTER you’ve had an amazing and intimate time together) he pulls back a little.
He tells you he wants to “go slow” and “not rush into anything serious”, which is fine and you agree.
But then a little while later he completely withdraws and acts like he wants NOTHING to do with a serious relationship after all.
He acts very “into you” one minute, and very loving, then doesn’t call you for days, or acts distracted and distant. You’re confused and hurt, and you don’t know what to do next.
Maybe he gives you a “been-there-done-that” speech, or makes you feel like you’re the “clingy” one who wants so much more than he’s willing to offer.
He leads you to believe that he’s not interested in anything more than being a “good friend” because he’s done the marriage thing, and he’s not into that anymore.
Or he’s never been married, and isn’t really interested in getting married at this point in his life.
You feel like he’s getting ahead of himself, so you try to let him know that you don’t mind taking it slow, but nothing helps.
You want to date a man who’s close to your age, but a man your age doesn’t seem to want anything real.
It’s like you can’t win!
Which leads you to ask yourself:
Do older, successful men just have more “baggage” when it comes to love and relationships?
Or are they commitment-phobes?
Is it virtually impossible to meet a single or divorced man over 40 who wants to settle down with one woman, raise a family, have kids, and have a happy, committed relationship?
A lot of women write and tell me that it’s their experience that men over 40 just aren’t available for a relationship anymore.
Either the men have been married and don’t want to marry again, or have never been married and don’t intend to in the future, or they’re just looking to have fun.
They seem to be carrying around a bunch of “baggage” from the past, and they’re afraid to have a committed relationship. They want to keep their “freedom.” Maybe they only want to date women half their age.
This is a fascinating phenomenon to me.
Not that men over 40 are being seen as having “baggage,” but that so many women are having this experience with these men who are 40-plus years old.
What’s going on here?
And what can you do if you want to have a committed, long-term, quality relationship with a man over 40, but you keep having this negative experience?
To answer, I want to point out that first and foremost, we all as human beings look at others according to what they can give us, or what we need from them.
If you push aside your own needs and look at the man as being simply HUMAN, you’ll realize you’re identical.
You want love, but you’re afraid to take risks because you’ve been wounded.
He may feel the same way.
And hey – we all have baggage from relationships that have broken our hearts, on some level.
The more wounded we are, the more defensive we can become if we don’t heal those wounds.
If a man acts defensive and cold, and seems to be afraid of love or commitment, that COULD mean that he has all kinds of baggage from a prior relationship. He got hurt. He’s afraid of risking it all and getting hurt again.
If you look at his defenses, they look really annoying and harsh to you. What you may not realize is that you have your OWN set of harsh defenses that may not be as apparent to you.
Hey, don’t get the wrong idea.
You don’t want to get involved with a guy if he doesn’t want to get close to you. But you can have a bit of COMPASSION for where he’s coming from.
If you look out there and you see all these men who want to run around and don’t want to be in a committed relationship, usually those men are afraid of falling in love and needing a woman.
It’s ironic, but statistics will show that when a man and a woman are in a long marriage together, and the woman dies, the man will die shortly thereafter.
It’s not true so much for women.
If the old man dies first, the woman is more resilient and goes on living for years afterward.
Which shows that men are actually more vulnerable and more afraid to take a risk and be vulnerable and attached to a woman, because he literally fears that he might DIE without her!
If a man isn’t “ready” because he’s still dealing with the baggage from his past, it doesn’t mean that you should wait around for him to “get ready.”
But definitely have some understanding about WHY he’s afraid or why he’s resisting being in a committed relationship.”
In my experience, men over 40 – just like many women over 40 – have experienced a lot of disappointment and pain in their love lives. In trying to defend themselves against more of that pain, some men may appear to have a lot of “issues” and be callous and selfish.
As humans, we have different ways of dealing with things from our past.
But I also know that there are many, many men over 40 who would love nothing more than to find a great woman, commit to her, have kids or help raise a family, and experience true and lasting love in their life.
The key is to RECOGNIZE a great man when you meet one, so you don’t waste your time with a man who may not be “ready” or willing to have a real relationship with you.
For example, I think it’s important to understand the stages of MATURITY men go through in their lives.
It’s not chronological.
You can meet a man who’s 25 years old and already very mature and ready for a loving, committed relationship where BOTH his needs and his partner’s needs are important to him.
Or, you can meet a man who’s 45 and still just a “boy” in a lot of ways that affect how he is in a relationship.
If you know what stage of maturity your man is in, you can better understand where he’s coming from and what you can – OR CAN’T DO – to change the way he is in a relationship.
If you’ve ever experienced these with a man:
> He comes on strong at first, but then disappears
> He changes his mind about you in a moment, for apparently no reason
> He talks about wanting to travel and “explore” the world and live an adventurous life (often without you in it)
> He’s controlling and inflexible at times
Then you’ve been experiencing certain symptoms of a man’s maturity level, from a “boy” all the way to a mature and self-possessed “King.”
In my program, Inside The Mind Of A Man, I explain in detail everything you need to look for when you meet a man to know whether he’s still a self-involved “boy” or whether he’s a purposeful and focused “king.”
I also help you easily and quickly recognize his maturity level by listening to how he talks about sex, what he thinks of his job, and what he does in his spare time.
Why is all this important?
So that you can tell whether or not a man is potentially RIGHT for you early on. This way, you won’t waste many months or years trying to “change” him into something he’s not.
There are 3 profound truths about relationships:
1. The man you CHOOSE is the one you GET.
2. YOU are ultimately responsible for your own love life and selecting the right man.
3. You can’t change a man, “make” a man become mature or help him work on his issues. He has to do that in his own way, based on his own internal motivations.
This is why I am going to make an important suggestion and help you by giving you powerful tools for choosing and understanding a man.
If you’re ready to learn what makes a GOOD MAN and what qualities and personality traits signal a mature, “together” man so that you don’t have to wonder if he’s going to be right for you for the long-term…
Then I recommend you let me send you a copy of my “Inside The Mind Of A Man” program.
You can try this program for yourself for a full month before I ask you to pay anything.
Go to this link right now and check it out:
If you’re ready to stop meeting “boys,” jerks and players, and you want to finally be able to say “YES!” to the right man for a change, then you need to get “Inside The Mind Of A Man” CD or DVD program.
I’d love to hear how my “Inside The Mind Of A Man” program changes the way you understand and relate to ANY man.
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.
P.S. You may not want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway.
If you truly understand men – and that includes how they think and feel in relationships, what their “issues” are, what they love about women and what they can’t run away from fast enough…
Then you wouldn’t be feeling frustrated or sitting around wondering “why did he say that?” or “why is he acting that way?”
It’s time for you to change your life and change the way you see and experience men and relationships.
Once you get “Inside The Mind Of A Man”, you’ll be amazed at how knowing the TRUTH about men and why they do what they do can be the difference between a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment, and a lifetime of disappointments.
Check out my total NO-RISK offer and try this program free for a month:
Throughout all of this text, there is the constant mixture of ‘loving’…’dating’..and ‘marriage’. why? The fact is, by the age of 40 or later – us men have often figured out the intentions of most women. This is not hard to do, and we are not stupid. The ultimate goal seems to be ‘marriage’..which is simply a legal aspect of bringing the state into relationships. At this age we have seen many of our friends decimated financially and emotionally by divorce and saddled with huge fiancial problems after the divorce. Do we REALLY want to go through the same? So how is it, that once a woman discovers you are not ‘into’ marriage feels this means you are not open for a committed relationship? Like it or not, many of the courts and laws of the country favour the woman in divorce. Usually too at this age many women come with significant ‘baggage’ such as children, fiancial debt, drink problems whilst as men we have become significantly wealthy that a large part of our time is spent actually managing our own money for investment whilst women have spent everything they have and much more. Sex is good, but it doesn’t control our brains like when we were 18.
reality sux aye aye aye says
when will woman wake the fuck up and realize that if a guy has been hurt a few times he will be scared and its woman fault if they cant find a nice guy coz you woman chose your modern way of living based on seeing men as a comfort zone for comfortable living and just some thing to sleep with until something better comes along. Men have an instinct that tells them if a woman has had too many partners they are unfit mothers and partners and are scared of that pattern why ?? duhhh coz his x partners where like that coz thanks to american media and bullshit woman do what the media tell them and feel unless a guy can give them unrealistic materials and comforts that he isnt good enough,so what the fuck was woman freedom about or equality seems its one sided rather than its true value.what do monkeys do when they are hungry ? they exchange sex for food um shit doesnt sound far of what so called female values are based on ,so much for equality aye.so keep it simple stupid (kiss) base your likes on the person not the gains from the person
Hmmm… seems like there’s only comments from the men here. Speaking from a woman’s point of view.. I’m not looking for a man to support me entirely but I do expect a man to work whether it’s intellectual or physical work doesn’t matter. I’m not looking for a man who can “keep me in the style I’ve been accustomed to” because I’ve always supported myself and don’t have or require a fancy lifestyle. Do you also believe that all women have had many sex partners? I’d like you to know there are quite a few of us that have not and we do not trade sex for support either in or out of marriage. Personally I am one of those. I find it truly offensive for a man to also imply that they are the ones who are always hurt by the women. HONESTLY? I think it’s just as evenly divided both ways and that in a majority if cases “it takes two to tango” both into and out of a relationship. I’m pretty morally, ethically, mentally, spiritually and sexually stable. Do I have my faults? SURE plenty but no more so then anyone else. It is my opinion that if we reinstituted emotional maturity and ethics in relationships (both men and women) we’d all have an easier time. I’m currently single and yes, I’m looking for marriage but that is because of my spiritual convictions. I do not find either sex to be a utopia and blameless in the singles game. I do NOT believe men have more difficulties then women or vice versa. They’re just different. What I do believe is that if you look to blame the opposite sex for their differences you will remain single, which is fine, if that’s what you wish. Just be upfront about it. Honesty still is ALWAYS the best policy and that’s not confined to one sex.
The real clue is in the first few paragraphs…
“He’s got a great career, is fairly successful, and has a lot going on in his life.”
He KNOWS your a potential gold digger who will try to wipe him out in divorce.
Nothing more or less.
Humm…. I think what I’m hearing from the male section is that women are gold diggers, users and takers… Being a wife to a man who loved his money more than his family and his drink more than his money, I’ve met more men who haven’t made it to a maturity level in life and actually want to be good husbands. They seem to be more into their own egos and what makes them feel satisfied. At 54, I would love to find a great guy who wants the love and respect I want to give and receive… I hear an awful lot of men talk about how they have been victimized, but stats show that men who’ve been divorced usually remarry within a two year period and women within 5 years, due to trust issues from what I’ve read. The divorce rate is higher among second marriages than in first marriages and women my age have 13% chance of remarriage…. So after dating a lot of different men over a 9 year period, ( I waited a good 3 years to date after my divorce as I wanted to be emotionally ready) I’m still single. I’ve made good friends and one of my best friends is a really great older man who has been a strong mentor and father to me. From his perspective he’s not impressed with the things I tell him about the men I meet. My personal opinion is that men who’ve gone through a divorce don’t work on forgiving their ex spouse or themselves or they may justify their actions and have resentments about women. I know for a fact, when a person doesn’t deal with or won’t deal the pains from the past, they don’t heal and they bring all that with them into the next relationship. So what a man may be most afraid of is not just finding the wrong woman, but looking inward to correct what might be causing him not to be the man he wants to be. I know I work at being the type of woman I want a man to love and respect and I want the same from the person I hope to end up with… It means that your willing to take a risk and put someone else first even if it hurts. Relationships are more important than gold. Investing in someone is hard, but if you have the maturity level to love then it’s even easier to be loved in return. I’m sorry for most the men I meet. Their lives seem shallow and even lost at times. I really do want to find that someone, but so far I’ve met a lot of someones who aren’t ready for anyone.
yeah yeah says
I’m over 40 and male. I’ve noticed something…when I get into a conversation with a female that indicates I’m interested…I notice that one the first questions she asks me is about my income. Would you ladies like to explain why you do that?
I don’t know about this crowd. But many a women these days have great careers. They also accumulated alot during their 1st long marriage. Their children are grown. We are only looking for Honesty, Integrity, and Sincerity. Already have all the tangibles I need thank you. Warm body that stays all night only requirement.
Not all women are the same men need to understand that just as not all men are the same! I wear my heart on my sleave and I love like I have never been loved before even after being hurt. Yes men are afraid to commit after being hurt and its those types of women that ruin it for women like me who want to be loved. Money doesnt make the world go round and personally its all materialistic. I fell in Love with an older man who suddenly became to close and decided to leave me because he was afraid I would leave him when he got older (he is 21 yrs older) he then bounced into bed with another woman not even a week later because he didnt want to be alone, hence once again I was hurt but not because of my own doing but because some women DO NOT know how to treat a man and it leaves them ruined for the one that comes along! ME!